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Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know

edited 19 April 2011 at 6:34PM in Debt-Free Wannabe
116 replies 19.1K views
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Replies

  • quantic wrote: »
    The reason I started this thread is because, when I was at the wedding the other week someone said to me when I was stood talking to them; "You and OH's problem is, your too sensible."

    We are not that sensible really, we buy stuff we don't really need and are excessive in some ways which we shouldn't be. But we seem to be the exception in not having any debt right now, and almost everyone else we know does have. Someone even said, your 20's is for having fun, and your 30's is for paying it back.


    Tbh, if that was me I would have gave them a pat on the back and thanked them for the compliment and felt rather chuffed with ourselves :)
    YNAB is my new best friend. :)
  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K posts
    I think we are at the stage in our lives which comes with lots of expenses, lots of people getting married, having kids and stuff. Which means we have to attend lots of events. My OH's mam asked her what she was getting her niece for easter... she said an egg and she was a bit surprised. Why does everything have to be such a big deal these days, its all about who has the best car, biggest house, spends the most money on their wedding, spoils their kids. Wish everyone would just take a step back. Everyone whines about having to work so much but they wouldn't have to if they didn't go as mental with buying stuff all the time.

    I feel a lot better now knowing that we are not alone in this situation and I agree that it will probably help in seeing who is really our friends. Maybe everyone will realise eventually on their own when they can't pay the credit cards anymore and start to be more reasonable. Its funny, people I know !!!!! and moan about how much their car finance etc costs them, then soon as its paid off they get an even more expensive car.

    My OH's friends have this little saying: "The whole package", apparently, my OH now nearly has this (meaning Good car, nice house, nice things and good job etc)... they have their priorities all wrong clearly. One of her friends who gaves her the most stick about money met a guy recently, and when my OH asked her what he was like she replied; "Well hes got a nice car and a good job but we don't get on that well... so not sure what to do."

    Sad really.
  • GeorgieFTBGeorgieFTB Forumite
    437 posts
    quantic wrote: »
    Thats what I keep telling myself, be a litte bit sensible now and i'll be glad in the future.

    OK, I don't see it as being sensible really...

    I've just read your thread from the start and I'm not quite in your position, I've got a great set of friends that are all similar stages of our lives and recognise that we don't all earn the same...

    I'm a 28yo single mother who has just bought her own house, so skint does not even come into it... I've gone so far past skint that it's a dot on the horizon, however I've done it with only mortgage debt, so I'm proud of myself!:D (I do realise that most on here will want to slap me and tell me I'm not skint but all I see is that I owe 6 figures...)

    An acquaintance of mine, when I told her that I had just completed on the house, said 'wow, that must have taken some work, I'm not sure I'll ever manage that', she is now a friend mostly because she didn't say I was 'lucky'...

    You and your OH will work out a balance, but it does sound like she needs to stand up to her friends a little, the horse riding sounds fun, and to be honest if I hadn't seen a friend for a while I would want to spend more than a few hours with her not really being able to speak to them. So I would have mentioned going to dinner after. As I said I'm tight so knowing money issues would have already looked at vouchers!!

    Good luck and I hope your friends are real friends...

    Gx
    Mortgage at 08/10/10: 110k:eek:
    Current Mortgage:... £109,200 :eek:
    OPs 2011: 100.50/4000
    Current MFD: 02/10/45 :shocked: (will be 63!!!)

    Make a payment a week challenge TW 100/123.79
  • timbstoke wrote: »
    It's not necessarily a case of your male friends being more understanding, but (being a touch stereotypical here) women tend to talk about everything, and if your OH is missing out, she's going to assume they're talking about her. Men tend not to worry too much about what their friends are doing with their private lives - the conversation would be "Where's Bob?" "Not coming, he's broke" "Oh right. Did you see Stoke on Sunday?" whereas 'the girls' would spend half an hour analysing it.

    Was having really stressful day........you are spot on - this made me laugh, thanks:rotfl:
  • josephine82josephine82 Forumite
    362 posts
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
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    I think it is difficult for anyone in the OP's position, especially when you have friends that don't care about having a budget, or saving money, or having debts.

    I found the best way with my friends was to be honest. Say that I'm being a bit frugal this month and I'm trying to pay a loan off early, or making friends come round to my house as I'm having a cheap month because I'm going away next month, or something. My friends and family have got used to it now!

    It is annoying when people do things that are ridiculously expensive and you just can't afford it- like a few months back my friend invited me to her hen night which was actually a weeks all inclusive holiday in Rhodes for £600 :eek:. CRAZY!!

    I think you should stick to your guns- maybe just explain why you are doing this and what you want to achieve- at the end of the day its all so we can have more money in the long run, and to do useful things with our money rather than paying it all on interest on credit cards!

    I usually just rant about how much I hated being in debt and how well designed my finances are and most people change the subject cos they get ashamed of how badly they are doing compared to me! :rotfl:
    Debt Free as of 2nd October 2009 :smile:
    May 2020: Mortgage Remaining £188,244
    May 2020: Emergency Fund £2,750/£5,000
    Mortgage Free Wannabe
  • sp1987sp1987 Forumite
    907 posts
    quantic wrote: »

    I don't mean to be sexist with this but my male friends seem a lot more understanding then her female friends? I think this is just in our case though and I am not suggesting for a second that all women are like this. Its must be frustrating for my OH seeing them going shopping all the time and going on holidays loads when we can't. Well, we could in the sense of putting it on a CC like all her mates do but we don't want to be slaves to debt!

    I do not think it is sexist, but I do think it reflects some of the differing things women/men do together, although these are in themselves generalisations. There are not many men who go out clothes shopping together. Lots of men are reluctant to go clothes shopping at all. Clothes shopping can be very expensive, especially when you hunt in packs and others tell you 'that looks lovely on you'. Women often have heels on when out and as it is seen as more dangerous for women to stagger about drunk at night, get taxis home. Money there is burning away.

    Men (although football matches, go karting weekends and large binge nights can be expensive) seem to be able to stretch £20 into a whole night, a takeaway and a stagger home. :rotfl:


    However, it seems like your OH is the one that has changed though, not her friends, who have always been overspending. They just seem to be carrying on as they always have and wonder why she isn't? Maybe that is the issue, that she was different before. Not that I am saying for one second that it is not a positive change. I think either you will have to accept that the friends have different views about money, or find new friends. It is not them who have changed (although they seem stuck in a rut). Your OH would want them to change to be more like her or to accomodate her new outlook, which is not how they are. Maybe if they all met a 'you' they might change their outlooks, but for now they are happy as they are. They derive their happiness from spending money (even when they do not have it to spend). That is quite a regular thing for people. Their social lives revolve around doing x or y a thing and she effectively wants to change the goalposts by doing z a thing. How can that be adjusted into a compromise that suits all parties?
  • sp1987sp1987 Forumite
    907 posts
    quantic wrote: »

    My OH's friends have this little saying: "The whole package", apparently, my OH now nearly has this (meaning Good car, nice house, nice things and good job etc)... they have their priorities all wrong clearly. One of her friends who gaves her the most stick about money met a guy recently, and when my OH asked her what he was like she replied; "Well hes got a nice car and a good job but we don't get on that well... so not sure what to do."

    Sad really.

    Your OH has picked these as friends though. I'll bet the bloke says to his friends "Well she is really good looking with a nice figure but we don't get on that well ...so not sure what to do".

    Lots of men will only go on looks and lots of women will only go on money or status. It is pretty irrelevant unless you end up unknowingly stuck with one. I dare say you can usually tell on a first date if someone is looking at you to pay because you have some money or disinterested in your mind because they are after how you look. As long as people only interested in trophy partners etc end up together then everyone gets what they want. Turn up looking a wreck or in an old car and then you can judge what somebody is interested in :rotfl:
  • theoreticatheoretica Forumite
    6.6K posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic
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    Has your OH thought about meeting her friends part way through a 'day out' if they are going for an expensive lunch she could come along for the coffee or meet them at the stables for riding. Similarly going for drinks, how about going along and drinking soda water? My friends hardly ever let me buy rounds as I am almost always on something non-alcoholic and cheap. Or if designated driver is a possibility some places give free drinks!
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • Have you ever thought that some of them may even be jealous of you for being 'sensible'?

    It's just an idea that's all!

    I found your comment about attending a wedding that was going to cost you £1,900 each strange! Who expects there 'guests' to afford that? Doesn't sound reasonable to me but what do I know!:huh:
  • This must be a challenge that many are facing up and down the country. I tend to dig my heels in, and refuse to spend money that I think is going to be completely wasted. It does cause a little friction with Mrs C - but the idea of being in poverty later in life is sufficient motivation to persevere.

    Stick with your approach - the world is changing; and those that fail to reduce their debt (or build capital reserves) are on a road to nowhere.
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