Forum Home» Debt-Free Wannabe

Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know - Page 2

New Post Advanced Search
Important update! We have recently reviewed and updated our Forum Rules and FAQs. Please take the time to familiarise yourself with the latest version.

Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know

edited 19 April 2011 at 5:34PM in Debt-Free Wannabe
116 replies 19.1K views
2456712

Replies

  • RASRAS Forumite
    28.7K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    quantic wrote: »
    I don't mean to be sexist with this but my male friends seem a lot more understanding then her female friends? I think this is just in our case though and I am not suggesting for a second that all women are like this. Its must be frustrating for my OH seeing them going shopping all the time and going on holidays loads when we can't. Well, we could in the sense of putting it on a CC like all her mates do but we don't want to be slaves to debt!

    Hi
    Are you sure about the statement I highlighted? Is that really really we, or is it I?

    A couple of pointers; women worry more about relationships and read more into stuff (which may not even be there); being sexist but I am one.

    And maybe learn a trick from BIL managed DS's capacity to spend well.

    Each month there was along list of things she wanted to do or have. They simply could not afford it.

    He would work out the finances and ask her what she wanted" We have this much this month, so you can have the new curtains, a night (brief weekend) away or get the plumbing for the washing machine done?"

    He left her to choose and went with her choice, no grumbles. It was not long before she found ways to get the new curtains and a social event (by buying very cheap seconds fabric and getting them made up and sourcing a good deal).
    The person who has not made a mistake, has made nothing
  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K posts
    Feels nice in a weird sort of way to know other people are in the same boat. I think its difficult for my OH as she is the kind of person who likes to please everyone else before herself. She doesn't feel gutted about not being able to do things for herself, but because her friends get annoyed. I'm used to doing less as I had to save up the deposit (I did this before meeting her). But its taking some adjusting as she was a bit reckless in the past.

    I might be being paranoid, but from time to time it actually feels like people resent us for having what we have, and not having any debt anymore, so sometimes it feels like they deliberately do things and almost wish we where in the same mess as they are?

    It just feels pretty shitty, we spent more on going to someone's wedding last month then we spent on Xmas presents for each other. Weddings are so excessive these days... It feels like every occasion feels like its way over the top now... stuff like christenings are what weddings used to be?

    One of my OH's friends asked us for a YES/NO on coming to their wedding the other day, and needed to know within 2 days - the cost per couple was £1900...who has got £1900 that they would wanna spend on travel and accommodation, never mind clothes, food, drink etc?

    I honestly don't know how our friends manage all of the stuff they do, out of all of our friends, we earn somewhere towards the top of them all, (combined income), have the cheapest house and still struggle. They must have some serious debt to service their lifestyles....
  • jinky67jinky67 Forumite
    47.8K posts
    quantic wrote: »
    Feels nice in a weird sort of way to know other people are in the same boat. I think its difficult for my OH as she is the kind of person who likes to please everyone else before herself. She doesn't feel gutted about not being able to do things for herself, but because her friends get annoyed.

    Is your OH the cause of your debt problems? She sounds like a keeping up with the Jones's type to me.

    She needs to toughen up, as do you, and say sorry we cant afford it, end of.

    If people dont like it thats their problem, and suggests they are not very good friends after all
    :heartpulsOnce a Flylady, always a Flylady:heartpuls
  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K posts
    RAS wrote: »
    Hi
    Are you sure about the statement I highlighted? Is that really really we, or is it I?

    A couple of pointers; women worry more about relationships and read more into stuff (which may not even be there); being sexist but I am one.

    And maybe learn a trick from BIL managed DS's capacity to spend well.

    Each month there was along list of things she wanted to do or have. They simply could not afford it.

    He would work out the finances and ask her what she wanted" We have this much this month, so you can have the new curtains, a night (brief weekend) away or get the plumbing for the washing machine done?"

    He left her to choose and went with her choice, no grumbles. It was not long before she found ways to get the new curtains and a social event (by buying very cheap seconds fabric and getting them made up and sourcing a good deal).

    No, it is definately we. It just seems a lot more difficult with her friends then mine most of the time. If I tell my male mates that I'm skint, most of the time they will just accept it, and say nothing. Or suggest that they will take a hit and pay this time and i'll pay next, or that we can just hang out.

    With her girl mates tho, its never just a cuppa or a nice cheap meal. For example, she got cheap tickets for horse riding this month (few quid)... this has now turned into... Lunch in town at an expensive place, horse riding, tea at another expensive place and then a few drinks on the quayside...

    So something that was bought through a deal website (so she could see her friends without spending a fortune and drive to avoid taxi's) and was supposed to cost like £12, has now turned into 2 meals out, drinks and 2 taxi's....
  • If we say we're skint our friends usually respect that and back off.
  • Important update! We have recently reviewed and updated our Forum Rules and FAQs. Please take the time to familiarise yourself with the latest version.
  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K posts
    jinky67 wrote: »
    Is your OH the cause of your debt problems? She sounds like a keeping up with the Jones's type to me.

    She needs to toughen up, as do you, and say sorry we cant afford it, end of.

    If people dont like it thats their problem, and suggests they are not very good friends after all

    Before we both moved out we could service all of these social things, so never built up any debt, now that we have our own place we cant do both... so its more like - how do we handle the transition into being independent while maintaining a social life?

    At our worst point we only had about 4k debt from the house, we have none now, but I can quite easily see us going into debt if we continue to keep up with everyone.

    She is not the type of person to want the same things as everyone, in a material sort of way, but sometimes when she is going out with them in clothes from 3 years ago and they have a new outfit every single time they go out, it makes her a little sad as she feels a mess.
  • jinky67jinky67 Forumite
    47.8K posts
    quantic wrote: »

    She is not the type of person to want the same things as everyone, in a material sort of way, but sometimes when she is going out with them in clothes from 3 years ago and they have a new outfit every single time they go out, it makes her a little sad as she feels a mess.
    Well you just have to remind her, that all her friends are probably up to their eyes on debt and will never pay it off. Whereas you two are being perfectly sensible and only buying what you can afford;)
    :heartpulsOnce a Flylady, always a Flylady:heartpuls
  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K posts
    The reason I started this thread is because, when I was at the wedding the other week someone said to me when I was stood talking to them; "You and OH's problem is, your too sensible."

    We are not that sensible really, we buy stuff we don't really need and are excessive in some ways which we shouldn't be. But we seem to be the exception in not having any debt right now, and almost everyone else we know does have. Someone even said, your 20's is for having fun, and your 30's is for paying it back.
  • I'd rather be sensible now than in debt when I'm pushing 60.
  • jinky67jinky67 Forumite
    47.8K posts
    quantic wrote: »
    The reason I started this thread is because, when I was at the wedding the other week someone said to me when I was stood talking to them; "You and OH's problem is, your too sensible."

    We are not that sensible really, we buy stuff we don't really need and are excessive in some ways which we shouldn't be. But we seem to be the exception in not having any debt right now, and almost everyone else we know does have. Someone even said, your 20's is for having fun, and your 30's is for paying it back.
    Be secure in knowing you are right and they are wrong:D
    I hated being in debt, it was one of the things that split me with one of my ex's cos he didnt seem to care about it.
    Funnily I now have none, and he has loads....smug? me? never:rotfl:
    :heartpulsOnce a Flylady, always a Flylady:heartpuls
This discussion has been closed.

Quick links

Essential Money | Who & Where are you? | Work & Benefits | Household and travel | Shopping & Freebies | About MSE | The MoneySavers Arms | Covid-19 & Coronavirus Support