Leave OH? Advice please

charlie792

I need some general advice about this situation Ive come to find myself in.

Me and OH have been together almost 3 years, living together for the past 8 months. Things were great, and you have to understand usually he is the nicest guy going but lately things have just been crazy....

It probably started before this, but the first time I really remember was valentines day, starting with snide comments about my hygiene or appearance - saying I don't shower/clean my teeth etc (not sure what planet he is on as I most definitely do) or he would start commenting on my clothes, or worse he'd just give me a disgusted kind of look and when I pushed him he'd come out with some comment about how stupid or disgusting I looked. I bit my tongue for a bit but it started becoming more frequent and to some extent almost obsessive. But it started to become the first or last thing he would say to me. Just two examples, I was saying goodbye to him at lunchtime (he comes home for lunch) and just as he was leaving he says 'your face is disgusting' - referring to a spot I had, and a few weeks ago, I bought a new jumper (the house is freezing so I wanted to be warm), litterally within 2 seconds of him walking through the door he said 'take that off you look ridiculous'.

Quite frankly I had enough but as I said he's lovely in normal circumstances so I put up with it....

Things came to a head on Monday, I handed in my dissertation so to be honest I just wanted to relax when I got home. When he got home from work I hadn't washed up - now we're not talking huge amounts here, we're talking about the plates from the night before.. Under normal circumstances I would have done it but as I said I wanted to just kind of chill for a bit.

Anyway as soon as he comes in there is no 'hi' or anything, not even asking about my dissertation, immediately he had a go at me for not washing up. Fine ok, except as I'm leaving the room I hear him muttering that I never get off my fat, lazy !!!! and do anything. To be honest this hurt me and I had a go at him back, we had a massive row and I told him he keeps treating me like !!!! and Ive had enough, he told me to leave. I packed some stuff and phoned my mum. My mum said I could go home and she would pick me up. Two hours later he comes in 'so your still here then' I said I was waiting for my mum, to which he informs me she's not coming. Apparently she text him or whatever telling she wants me to sort it (not just his side, I phoned my mum after and she told me the same thing), and said she would only pick me up if I seriously thought about it....Nice of her to tell me as Id been waiting all this time.

In the end I never got home.

Cue this evening......I came down ill this afternoon, spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, OH seemed quiet sympathetic when he came home from work. When I felt a bit better I went to see him in the study - he told me to stay in there with him. I was there for about an hour just sitting and talking with him before he totally flipped out. He couldn't get what he wanted to work, and suddenly turned round and said 'do you have to sit over me' - I simply said 'you asked me to'. To which he totally lost it, screamed at me how dare I tell him to **** off. I said nothing of the sort. He then proceeds to scream at me how much he hates me. I said to him calmly theres no need to get angry and take it out on me, but this seemed to wind him up further because I wouldn't fight back...

Ive left him to stew for a bit, and he comes in just now all nicely saying we should get some dinner, I asked him if he'd calmed down to which he just stood there in silence for a bit and then walked out.....

I feel like Im going crazy but that I have nowhere to go. It seems my parents aren't that crazy about me going back there, infact twice in the past Ive asked to go home and twice my mum has done this to me.
I have nowhere else to go, I have no money, nothing - he has to pay for everything for me as it is - I already owe him so much as it is.
I feel totally trapped.:(

System

thats exactly how he wants you to feel , is there a friend you can stay with ? because now he probably feels that your mum is backing him i doubt he will stop, the abuse will most likely only increase.

lullypops

all you can do is turn up on your parents door step...they wont turn around and say go away? surely? xx

Plans_all_plans

Yep, I'd leave him, you are well out of that relationship before his behaviour escalates into anything more serious.

If you'd just grown apart or had a specific difficulty then I'd always advise trying to work through it, but these personal attacks are just not on at all - even if he;s stressed.

I can tell you now that no man in my family (my husband, father, grandfather, FIL etc etc) would ever speak to their wives in such a manner, no matter what they were personally dealing with in their lives.

You've only lived together 8 months and his true colours are showing now. I'd be out of there without a second glance back and I wouldn't even tell him where I was going. Best wishes.

sjc3

You do realise you are being abused. Its one thing for a partner to have a bad day or to snap when really stressed on a rare occasion. What your oh is doing to you though is completely uncalled for, random and extreme.

It is not a coincidence that you have no one to turn to and that you are reliant on him financially. He knows this and is using it to control you and keep treating you this way.

It is very common for emotional/verbal abuse to escalate. Do you have anybody, any family or friends that you can turn to. My advice is get out and away from this pathetic bully you live with asap. There is nothing you have mentioned in your post, of what you have said or done that should provoke the kind of reactions or comments your partner is levying at you. I think you know it too.

If I thought one of my friends was suffering like this they would be under my roof and could stay for as long as they needed.

balletshoes

You need to leave him alone to sort out his issues - because believe me, if he's behaving like that towards you, he certainly has a few to work through!

He could well be feeling the pressure of being the only breadwinner etc- but calling you for everything at the least little (or even no) provocation is not on, and surely if your mum knew exactly what he's been saying to you, she'd accept that you really do want to leave him?

There is no way on this earth I'd leave my daughter with a man who was treating her the way your OH has been recently - she wouldn't have to ask me to come get her twice.

Call you mum, tell her you really are serious and you really are leaving your OH, and please come get you, now.

the_becoming

You know that this isn't right or normal. Its not likely to get better, I wish you all the best x

jackieglasgow

Get out. Now. Leave the flat and go and sit in a pub waiting for someone to come help you if you need to, but get away from this man. Has there been domestic violence in your parent's house? Does your mum realise you are potentially in danger? Don't just tell them you have fallen out, make it clear you are scared. Get away from this man as soon as you can, this will only get worse. Whether he hits you or not, this relationship is not healthy and will never be.

McKneff

Just pack a bag and get yourself home to your mums, she wont turn you away.

He's a vicious bully, yu would be far better out of there. Have some respect for yourself.

Why do yu not have any money, benefits, JSA etc.

debtfreewannabe321

I agree with above comments, leave him. Does your mum know the full extent of the abuse he's giving you? Abuse is not always physical as someone said above, he is verbally & emotionally abusing you, psychological abuse can sometimes be more damaging than physical. You are better off out of there, you've not been together long, i'd leave whilst i was ahead if i were you! Good luck

Tigsteroonie

OP, I can't help wondering on reading your post whether your OH is deliberately trying to drive you away for some reason? It's just that I'm getting the impression he is only nasty to you when he remembers to be so.

Leave now - nobody has the right to treat you like that. If you can't go home (and surely no Mum would turn away their own daughter?) then perhaps go stay with friends, as others have suggested.