12 year old daughter caught stealing from us

KiKi

easy wrote: »

And sometimes, if he's been an especially lovely little poppet and all seems right with the world, I might give him a cuddle and 50p to nip to the paper shop to get himself a creme egg (or 80p to get us both one ), cos extra treats are allowed too.

Can you get me one, too?
:EasterBun

Mmmmmm!

themull1

Total mountain out of a molehill. Give her some pocket money every week.

BitterAndTwisted

I certainly wouldn't accuse anyone for asking impartial advice of making a mountain out of a molehill. I think you're lucky to see it so cut and dried.

In my opinion the sure sign of wanting to be a good parent is to constantly question themselves about whether they are being sensible and reasonable and to ask for advice if they felt it was needed.

I find these kinds of discussions very interesting, so do please carry on.

Derivative

I see no problem with no pocket money without doing odd jobs around the house.
The only money I had until 16 was £1 a day for lunch.

Wouldn't go for the "20p for this, 50p for that" plan someone trotted out earlier, just a flat £10 a week or so for getting things done around the house. If you make it too little she won't bother.

Alias_Omega

Like its been said in the thread before, maybe some time ago it was time to receive weekly pocket money, be it paid in cash, cheque or via STO into the bank account.

We tend to have loose coins around the house (emptying pockets, savings jar etc) and one day they will start to go miss, which will be the time for our children to receive pocket money.

nad1611

Fruit_Gum wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

She just came down the stairs and said "Mum I'm really sorry for what I did can we be friends"

We discussed it. She said she wanted money for sweets from the shop. I told her I thought she had money in her money box and she was using that but she then said she didn't want to spend it as she is saving up for a new phone.

She then got upset and started crying and said she prayed to god in communion today that I would forgive her. I very nearly started crying at that point as well!

I told her she can think about what chores she wants to do and I will give her pocket money for doing them. I def think this is a good idea. She also understands that she will be punished and no playing out/gadgets/clubs for a week.

Feeling a bit better about it now, although I feel guilty, they know how to pull at the old heart strings!

It's easy to take this personally but I agree, her doing this is not that unusual. I think you should thank god you have a child who can show this much remorse, the idea that you and her are no longer friends was obviously worse for her than any other punishment. Alienating children sends them a huge message. Be careful not to over do it.

I think a small amount of pocket money would be good which can be added to when she either offers or does extra. I also agree that she should have been having jobs around the house from a much earlier age than this, she's obviously going to be reluctant bringing it in now. I think we do kids a disservice by doing everything for them and then when you did expect her to do stuff you allowed her not to do it!!
I can understand her reluctance at not wanting to use her phone money as she's obviously set her sights on something, but if she'd had pocket money she could have put half in her phone fund and spend the rest on something of her choice, negating the need for her to steal.

As you are punishing her, you need for the rest of your communication to be as normal, she's doing the time for her crime, so I don't think you need to labour the point she's aready demonstrated remorse. Time will give you a little perspective on this, I am thinking she's your eldest child?

Murtle

kafkathecat wrote: »

Personally I don't think children should have to work for pocket money, you are the parent not the employer. Children should help out in the home because they live there but pocket money should be unconditional. Having a little of your own money each week to spend as you wish makes you think about budgeting etc.

When I first read this, I didn't agree. However, looking back on my own childhood I have changed my mind.

Why do we live in society now that people don't like to things unless there is something in it for them?

We were expected to help round the house, because we lived there. We also got pocket money. Occasionally there were big or dirty jobs that my parents or neighbours would pay for us to do...cleaning bird poo of the porch roof was one of the enjoyable ones :eek:

When she is older, she won't get paid for washing up dishes after dinner, she'll have to do it herself...or pay for a cleaner to come in and clean for her.

ps...giving her the choice of chores to do, make them less like chores!

Good luck

Bambywamby

Imo I don't think stealing should be rewarded with pocketmoney. I think OP is perfectly reasonable asking her daughter to do a few jobs in return for some allowance.

Many children have and do pinch from their parents - it is how you handle it that will determine as to whether or not it continues. I think your husband has done the right thing withdrawing her laptop, mobile phone, friend sleeping over etc. I would say punishment enough. The most important thing is the conversation that follows - you need to try and establish why she took the money, why she thinks stealing it acceptable and finally an apology that is will not happen again - then let just let it rest.

geri1965_2

My mum used to give me her purse to go the shops and buy stuff, and I would often take some money out to buy myself a bar of chocolate without asking.

I didn't regard it as stealing, and would be horrified if anyone has accused me of stealing (even though it was, technically). I would never have dreamt of stealing from anyone else, my friends used to shoplift but I would never get involved with that.

It sounds like you have dealt with it in a sensible way.

Lunar_Eclipse

liam8282 wrote: »

It all seems a bit of an over reaction to me, if I am perfectly honest.

Your child has made a mistake, which is what children do. Hopefully she will learn from this mistake and not do it again.

If you are always so strict and OTT with everything like this, perhaps she is rebelling?

I totally agree with this, although understand the parents feeling disappointed; that's natural.

I also think it's obvious that she regrets her behaviour and that natural consequences (damaged trust, the repercussions thereafter & her natural guilt) instead of punishments would have sufficed. We need to guide them through their good and bad choices.

I think she really needs some regular money of her own to avoid this happening regularly moving forward.