12 year old daughter caught stealing from us

gingin_2

I am afraid I used to do it. I used to take money to buy sweets for me and my friends when we went biking. I guess I was trying to impress them. It's dishonest, I know, but I have turned into a responsible adult who always toed the line otherwise but I admit I'd be disappointed if my kids did it.

I'd make her pay it back out of her savings and have a discussion again about pocket money. She needs to learn the value of earning and spending.

easy

Fruit_Gum wrote: »

You're right, I was/am very shocked. I always thought we had a pretty good relationship and I've always told her she can talk to me about anything and everything. Maybe a bit of niaveity (SP?) from my part.

Blimey, you are going to have quite a rocky ride when she properly hits her teens !!!

balletshoes

vicx wrote: »

My cousin is in the same situation as you with her daughter (She is 13).

She's been caught stealing from the money jar so she can buy chocolate on her way to/from school, not just for herself but for her friends too. She isn't allowed to eat alot of choloate as she has recently found out she is diabetic so it has been hard for her to stop or even cut down on chocolate and sweets etc resulting in her having to steal money to buy more chocolate and sweets.

She gets pocket money each week by earning it with the house chores - hovering, wahing up, getting the washing in etc but this still does not stop her from stealing. Each time her parents have caught her stealing they have taken her laptop and mobile phone from her for a week and/or grounded her but she still doesn't learn. She even searches the house high and low until she finds her laptop and mobile and ends up stealing again to top up her mobile phone.


I think taking her laptop and mobile phone from her for a week is the correct punishment for your daughter stealing from you. Hopefully she will learn that what she has done is wrong. I would also suggest counting the money in the jar or even place a few silver or copper coins on top of the money - that way you will know if she has even moved the jar.

with your cousin's daughter I'd remove her laptop and mobile phone out of the house completely so she had no way of getting it back until she'd earned it. A relative or neighbour could hold onto it in the meantime.

Spendless

Glad you've resolved it. i agree with what pigpen said. As a child whilst I never took from a money jar or purse, I did start not giving my mum the correct change when she asked me to go and get something from the shops, which was frequently on a weekend, as she and my dad both worked.

The reason? I had no other money of my own. I'd started secondary school and the other pupils did, either they had jobs (middle school system, so we were approaching 13 when we went), got pocket money or in some cases were given the equivalent of the child benefit as their money. My only way of getting money was either witholding the right amount of change, or skipping my school dinner and surviving on a bag of crisps stuffed in a cheap bread roll. As an adult looking back, the sensible thing to have done was to have raised the issue, but I think I thought I'd be refused, they'd taken on a lot bigger mortgage just as interest rates shot up (late 70s) and I was obviously aware money was an issue, as I recall not even fetching home the letter about a school trip once. It came to a head when my friend took money out a coin jar, and I was accussed because 'we know you haven't been giving us the right change when we send you to the shops'. Not long after that I did get a little pocket money.

I also used to wonder what planet my mother was on when I started my periods, as sanitary towels were never available for me to use. I used to buy my own if I was flush, or manage with toilet paper. Again was caught, and my mum said 'we don't expect you to buy your own'. mmmmmm how about putting them on the shopping list regularly then. Couldn't nick mums cos she used tampax which I didn't try till my late teens.

Still I take these lessons with me for my own kids.

Fruit_Gum

liam8282 wrote: »

It all seems a bit of an over reaction to me, if I am perfectly honest.

Your child has made a mistake, which is what children do. Hopefully she will learn from this mistake and not do it again.

If you are always so strict and OTT with everything like this, perhaps she is rebelling?

I'm not always so strict and OTT. The reason I asked is because I have never really had any problem with her until now. I didn't know how common it was for kids to steal from their parents. I'm sure she has learnt from her mistake, she has apologised and I genuinely believe she is sorry.

Fruit_Gum

bluenoseam wrote: »

Unfortunately though i think that as a parent you need to be a little more "strict" on things here. You said to her if she wanted PM then she had to earn it by doing chores which she did for a bit then stopped cos it bored her - sorry, but that's an important life lesson right there, we have all at some time or another been bored in our jobs, but we do it because if we don't we don't get paid! She's 12, that's a reasonable time to sit her down and get her told about the reality of life, that she can't have everything without atleast doing something in return - by 12 i don't think it's overly much to ask that she atleast deals with dishes after tea, it takes less than 10 minutes a night and simply put is the foundation for a good work ethic which will help her 10-15 years from now.

By the sounds of it this is a kid who wants for very little - you've already mentioned subs for clubs etc and phones, how are those paid for? She's rightly saving away for a new phone, but do you think that's reasonable if she's not currently paying for it now? If her friends all have computers etc that they can use at home, it's massively cheaper for them to chat away on MSN/FB whatever as opposed to texting! By 12 myself & my older sister were already well on our way to understanding how things worked as adults, we had our "pocket money" which we could use for treats etc - this migrated to when i went to high school we had these new fangled "card accounts" for lunch etc, so i was given my pocket money + lunch money on a Monday morning and i had to use this to cover my "expenses". If it so happened that i was a little more careless with my cash then I'd say to Mum and we'd find out why & well, it didn't happen again - she'd cover my shortfall that week, but with the understanding that it would be taken off my pocket money the next, this also covered my clubs (although lets be fair it was less than they'd charge these days!).

However at the same time, i did the whole dishwasher, dishes effort, helped out where i could and generally did things which were asked of me (with the exception of tidying my room i will admit!) - i'm 26 now and honestly it's given me the sort of lessons in life which are priceless, both in terms of respect for things & my whole attitude towards money & the nice things it can give you if treated right. I'm not advocating being all 100% evil parent and all that, but sometimes a bit of tough love can actually work - not that the softly-softly brigade would ever let you hear about it!

Hiya, yes you are right, I let her get away with giving up doing the table and clearing pots because it was easier to do it myself than to listen the moaning about it. That is def going to change. I've told her to have a think about what chores she thinks she can do and we will decide together if that is suitable/enough.

With regards to her mobile, she has a cheapish phone that we bought her when she started high school. I pay £10 per month and she gets £40 worth of credit. Once the £40 has gone she has to wait until the following month where it automatically tops itself back up. I don't mind paying this as its worth the £10 so I know she is safe.

The only other thing she has money for is brigade which is £2 a week plus a dance club after school which is £2. She meets up with her primary school friends one day in the school holidays and they usually go to the cinema/macdonalds which I give her £10 for. That's it, I don't think it's overly excessive, although if she starts getting odd money she could probably go out more.

Mojisola

Fruit_Gum wrote: »

Hiya, yes you are right, I let her get away with giving up doing the table and clearing pots because it was easier to do it myself than to listen the moaning about it. That is def going to change. I've told her to have a think about what chores she thinks she can do and we will decide together if that is suitable/enough.

If the job isn't done without moaning and whinging, then she doesn't get paid. Make it a condition she has to comply with.

You could always demonstrate how annoying it is by constantly moaning about what a drag it is for you next time you're taking her to a club!

mountainofdebt

balletshoes wrote: »

with your cousin's daughter I'd remove her laptop and mobile phone out of the house completely so she had no way of getting it back until she'd earned it. A relative or neighbour could hold onto it in the meantime.

No its far easier to remove the internet cable and sim.

Frustrates them even more when they have the equipment but can't use them.

kafkathecat

Personally I don't think children should have to work for pocket money, you are the parent not the employer. Children should help out in the home because they live there but pocket money should be unconditional. Having a little of your own money each week to spend as you wish makes you think about budgeting etc.

RadoJo

Ha ha - I once stole £20 from my Dad to buy tapes, and not only was I never caught but I didn't feel guilty and have grown up to be a law abiding citizen nonetheless! I think it's just something kids do when they start to become aware of money and having things that they want to buy for themselves without realising that their parents will probably be open to the idea of giving them either pocket money or money for chores about the house. I think because parents seem to avoid talking about adult financial situations in front of their kids (quite rightly in most cases) it just becomes a subject that kids find it hard to bring up. For all I was never shy and retiring as a child, the adult taboo of talking about money somehow trickled down and I never found it easy to approach them to ask for money, whereas I would quite shamelessly use the parental taxi service/food bank/hotel facilities!
OP - I know I could be writing this from prison as far as you know, but I hope you can rest assured that a child stealing from their parents doesn't necessarily mean that they will become a career criminal, especially one who sounds as sorry for what they have done as your daughter does!