12 year old daughter caught stealing from us

BitterAndTwisted

All kids can be tempted to pinch money especially when they don't have any pocket-money coming in. Have a chat with your daughter with your OH present and see if you can come to some agreement about what might be an appropriate amount.

I'd keep a very careful eye on any cash in the house for some time and I would let your daughter know that you are doing this. She needs to build up your trust in her again.

I'd also not be tempted to apply any more sanctions than the ones you have implemented already: she knows you disapprove and you have punished her. Let that be an end to it. If you've brought her up right she will be feeling very guilty

EDIT: Cross-posted, I see. I'd be very reassured that you have brought your daughter up right if she's been praying in church for your forgiveness. Now, let her earn it.

PZH

Fruit_Gum wrote: »

... but I know I never stole off mine as I was to scared of what the consequences would be if I got caught!

And what would your parents have done?

Maybe adopt this approach as it obviously worked on you :A

Fruit_Gum

phoodless wrote: »

And what would your parents have done?

Maybe adopt this approach as it obviously worked on you :A

My mum would have sent me to Coventry for goodness knows how long (she can be very stubborn). My dad probably would have given me a smacked backside! The silent treatment would have been far worse though!

easy

vicx wrote: »

ends up stealing again to top up her mobile phone.

In that instance I would confiscate the mobile phone. Totally, end of.

Fruit_Gum

easy wrote: »

You seem very shocked. TBH I guess most children steal a SMALL amount from their parents at some time or another, It's quite thrilling you know. But with most children it doesn't go beyond that, don't worry tooo much. Also, don't assume she may also have stolen from grandparents or anywhere else, it's quite unlikely.

You're right, I was/am very shocked. I always thought we had a pretty good relationship and I've always told her she can talk to me about anything and everything. Maybe a bit of niaveity (SP?) from my part.

I've told her that I will be checking now if any money goes missing until I get my trust back in her.

liam8282

It all seems a bit of an over reaction to me, if I am perfectly honest.

Your child has made a mistake, which is what children do. Hopefully she will learn from this mistake and not do it again.

If you are always so strict and OTT with everything like this, perhaps she is rebelling?

adindas

This is the first time you catch her, right ... ?
I think you need to sit down together and ask her whether the pocket money that you have given to her is enough or not ...

Also, the people steal if they have an opportunity. If you put your money in the cupboard then she does not have opportunity to do so.

At the end she is still your daughther and your duty to educate her ....Give her love .....

amersall

When my son was 11, he took 2p from my purse, i picked up the phone and told him that was stealing and i am going to phone the police, he was mortified and said he would not do it again.
He learned his lesson and never took anything again. my sis said that i was "cruel" and "it was only 2p", but it does not matter what it is you are taking from someone else, it does not belong to you and that in my book is stealing. He is 27 now and cringes when i retell the tale (serves him right lol).

To op.. glad you worked it out with your daughter, sent a shiver down my spine when she said she prayed that you would forgive her,aww bless her x

Hoof_Hearted

The crime has been committed and your daughter has been told off. She is clearly sorry and highly embarrassed. I think it's important not to overdo it. Don't prolong it -- forgive her and move on.

I do think you are being a bit hard on her regarding pocket money. I think a small basic amount each week without chores is not unreasonable. She could then earn more is she helps around the house. The other thing is to remove temptation -- don't leave loose change around.

bluenoseam

Unfortunately though i think that as a parent you need to be a little more "strict" on things here. You said to her if she wanted PM then she had to earn it by doing chores which she did for a bit then stopped cos it bored her - sorry, but that's an important life lesson right there, we have all at some time or another been bored in our jobs, but we do it because if we don't we don't get paid! She's 12, that's a reasonable time to sit her down and get her told about the reality of life, that she can't have everything without atleast doing something in return - by 12 i don't think it's overly much to ask that she atleast deals with dishes after tea, it takes less than 10 minutes a night and simply put is the foundation for a good work ethic which will help her 10-15 years from now.

By the sounds of it this is a kid who wants for very little - you've already mentioned subs for clubs etc and phones, how are those paid for? She's rightly saving away for a new phone, but do you think that's reasonable if she's not currently paying for it now? If her friends all have computers etc that they can use at home, it's massively cheaper for them to chat away on MSN/FB whatever as opposed to texting! By 12 myself & my older sister were already well on our way to understanding how things worked as adults, we had our "pocket money" which we could use for treats etc - this migrated to when i went to high school we had these new fangled "card accounts" for lunch etc, so i was given my pocket money + lunch money on a Monday morning and i had to use this to cover my "expenses". If it so happened that i was a little more careless with my cash then I'd say to Mum and we'd find out why & well, it didn't happen again - she'd cover my shortfall that week, but with the understanding that it would be taken off my pocket money the next, this also covered my clubs (although lets be fair it was less than they'd charge these days!).

However at the same time, i did the whole dishwasher, dishes effort, helped out where i could and generally did things which were asked of me (with the exception of tidying my room i will admit!) - i'm 26 now and honestly it's given me the sort of lessons in life which are priceless, both in terms of respect for things & my whole attitude towards money & the nice things it can give you if treated right. I'm not advocating being all 100% evil parent and all that, but sometimes a bit of tough love can actually work - not that the softly-softly brigade would ever let you hear about it!