12 year old daughter caught stealing from us

Fruit_Gum

kafkathecat wrote: »

Personally I don't think children should have to work for pocket money, you are the parent not the employer. Children should help out in the home because they live there but pocket money should be unconditional. Having a little of your own money each week to spend as you wish makes you think about budgeting etc.

I'm not expecting her to get on the floors and scrub them! She has agreed to putting her clothes away when washed/ironed, setting the table and clearing it and put the recycling in the correct bins. I don't think that is too bad, or maybe I could get her doing more;)

easy

kafkathecat wrote: »

Personally I don't think children should have to work for pocket money, you are the parent not the employer. Children should help out in the home because they live there but pocket money should be unconditional. Having a little of your own money each week to spend as you wish makes you think about budgeting etc.

No, LOVE should be unconditional, but there is nothing wrong with pocket money being seen as a reward for participating as a responsible member of the family. It is part of learning about the realities of life. After all, the rest of us have to do something to gain money, and children can begin to understand that work ethic early.

I agree that having "your own money each week to spend as you wish makes you think about budgeting etc", but you learn it's woth much better if you have had to make an effort to acquire it.

Fruit_Gum

RadoJo wrote: »

Ha ha - I once stole £20 from my Dad to buy tapes, and not only was I never caught but I didn't feel guilty and have grown up to be a law abiding citizen nonetheless! I think it's just something kids do when they start to become aware of money and having things that they want to buy for themselves without realising that their parents will probably be open to the idea of giving them either pocket money or money for chores about the house. I think because parents seem to avoid talking about adult financial situations in front of their kids (quite rightly in most cases) it just becomes a subject that kids find it hard to bring up. For all I was never shy and retiring as a child, the adult taboo of talking about money somehow trickled down and I never found it easy to approach them to ask for money, whereas I would quite shamelessly use the parental taxi service/food bank/hotel facilities!
OP - I know I could be writing this from prison as far as you know, but I hope you can rest assured that a child stealing from their parents doesn't necessarily mean that they will become a career criminal, especially one who sounds as sorry for what they have done as your daughter does!

Yeah, she never asks for pocket money it was my suggestion to her that she can have it if she wants (providing she does a little bit of something that is).

Guess I was a bit shocked (and certainly niave)! She's generally a good kid. All is forgiven though she understands that she cant have the laptop back for a week. Thanks for the advice to all much appreciated x

easy

Fruit_Gum wrote: »

I'm not expecting her to get on the floors and scrub them! She has agreed to putting her clothes away when washed/ironed, setting the table and clearing it and put the recycling in the correct bins. I don't think that is too bad, or maybe I could get her doing more;)

Well, you can always offer her an additional task now and then if she wants a little extra money for something special.

Fruit_Gum

easy wrote: »

Well, you can always offer her an additional task now and then if she wants a little extra money for something special.

Hmm my windows could do with a good clean :rotfl:

BitterAndTwisted

You can attach any conditions to the receipt of pocket-money that you wish although I do understand the concept of living together and everyone making a contribution and don't think that it's necessarily wrong. Unfortunately, some parents do go down the road of taking the bin out equals 20 pence, bringing in the washing equals 50 pence and so it goes on. Then before you know it no-one will do anything just to help keep the wheels of the household oiled. In the end it just becomes negotiating/arguing the appropriate wage.

KiKi

She sounds a little like me when I was that age. I was obscenely good and obedient with a great relationship with my parents. And the WORST thing in the world when I did something wrong wasn't the punishment, it was worrying that my parents would be disappointed in me, or not forgive me.

You forgiving her has obviously worried her, so to be quite frank, you've brought up a daughter with a conscience, who understands there are consequences. Many kids do something like this, and if you catch it early, deal with it as you have, then you've stopped it progressing. She also knows what to expect from you in future because you've set the boundaries, and the fact that you carry out your threats of punishment means she knows she can trust you to do what you say. And now she's learning the value of money.

You sound like a great parent to me.

KiKi

Mojisola

kafkathecat wrote: »

Personally I don't think children should have to work for pocket money, you are the parent not the employer. Children should help out in the home because they live there but pocket money should be unconditional. Having a little of your own money each week to spend as you wish makes you think about budgeting etc.

I'm in complete agreement with this. The jobs that need doing round the house have to be done for us all to keep on living in a reasonable environment. Children should take on their share as they grow up just because the jobs need to be done.

Fruit_Gum

KiKi wrote: »

She sounds a little like me when I was that age. I was obscenely good and obedient with a great relationship with my parents. And the WORST thing in the world when I did something wrong wasn't the punishment, it was worrying that my parents would be disappointed in me, or not forgive me.

You forgiving her has obviously worried her, so to be quite frank, you've brought up a daughter with a conscience, who understands there are consequences. Many kids do something like this, and if you catch it early, deal with it as you have, then you've stopped it progressing. She also knows what to expect from you in future because you've set the boundaries, and the fact that you carry out your threats of punishment means she knows she can trust you to do what you say. And now she's learning the value of money.

You sound like a great parent to me.

KiKi

Thanks Kiki I try my best.

Don't get me wrong, she's no angel. Gives me a bit of backchat, eye rolling and huffing and puffing from time to time, but I kind of expect that so 9 times out of 10 I let it go, however when I hear off other parents what their kids get up to I suppose I've been quite lucky so far. Just hope it stays that way.

easy

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You can attach any conditions to the receipt of pocket-money that you wish although I do understand the concept of living together and everyone making a contribution and don't think that it's necessarily wrong. Unfortunately, some parents do go down the road of taking the bin out equals 20 pence, bringing in the washing equals 50 pence and so it goes on. Then before you know it no-one will do anything just to help keep the wheels of the household oiled. In the end it just becomes negotiating/arguing the appropriate wage.

Oh I agree, which is why we don't do it that way. Ds's pocket money is set at £5 per week, but he only gets the full amount if he has done all that we (reasonably) ask of him, in a reasonable manner. So, if he refuses to do one of his chores in a strop one day, he loses 50p, regardless of which chore it is. If we ask him to do a little additional task - feeding the dogs if I'm busy at feeding time, for example, or making me a cup of tea when I've just come in from work - we don't add to his pocket money, that's part of living in the family.

However, washing the car would consitute an extra payment, cos it's a significant extra job.

And sometimes, if he's been an especially lovely little poppet and all seems right with the world, I might give him a cuddle and 50p to nip to the paper shop to get himself a creme egg (or 80p to get us both one ), cos extra treats are allowed too.