12 year old daughter caught stealing from us

Fruit_Gum

Hi

I'm just after a bit of advice really as I'm not sure what I should do next.

My husband has a jar on top of the wardrobe in our bedroom that he chucks his loose change into. We usually dip into it when window cleaner/milkman knock on door to be paid. I'm estimating that there is usually around £20 ish in there in copper and silver.

I work shifts and when I'm on an early (usually 2-3 times a week) I get in around 4.30pm. My daughter gets home around 4 and is in the house on her own for half an hour these days.

Yesterday whilst I was at swimming with DD2 my H called me and said he had caught our 12 year old daughter stealing money out of it. He had come home from work early and caught her in the act.

He told her off and took her laptop and mobile off her. Her friend was supposed to be sleeping overnight so that's been cancelled now as well. When I came in I didn't initially say anything to her because I was so disappointed in her. I dont know if I'm being niave or what but I never ever thought for one minute she would ever steal off us. She doesnt go without things, and is generally a well behaved loving child. I'm devestated if I'm honest. How will I ever learn to trust her again? There's been times when she asked for money for subs for clubs and I've let her take the £2 out of my purse without even checking. What if she's been taking more? She told her dad it was only the second time she's ever done it but I'm betting that it's more than that.

She's home from school now and I've tried to talk to her about it but she just stares at me and shrugs her shoulders when I ask why she did it.

Do you think the punishment fits the crime? Should we ground her/stop clubs or punish her further.

This is the first time I've ever really had to deal with anything like this and I'm not sure what I should be doing/saying.

My H seems to think that most kids have probably taken from their parents at some stage in their lives, but I know I never stole off mine as I was to scared of what the consequences would be if I got caught!

I'm also worried if she has been doing it anywhere else? Her grandparents for example?

What should I do?

FG
X

pigpen

Does she get pocket money? If not it may be time to consider it if all her friends have 'income' and she has none it could be that.

Or she could be being bullied and said bully wants cash

Or she might have started her periods and be too embarrassed to tell you and been buying pads.. yes it does happen!

Or it could be just because she wants it..

Without getting any kind of reply from her it is fairly difficult to see why she would be taking it.. especially if you give her money for other stuff if she asks.

[Deleted User]

Great logic pigpen, i wouldn't have thought of those, well i supose you are on no10!

Fruit_Gum

She doesn't get pocket money. I told her she could have some if she earned it, ie doing some chores. She did start off a couple of days laying the table for dinner and moving the post afterwards but decided she got bored with it and stopped soon after. I've told her a few times she can have pocket money but she has to earn it by helping out. I even said she could decide what chores she wanted to do but even that didn't help.

She's does tell me most things and is not being bullied. She does have quite a good network of friends and is enjoying high school very much.

She hasn't started her periods yet, in fact she's under a consultant as she is quite under developed for her age (she is very petite). I got told 4 months ago when she had a scan that she is nowhere near ready for starting her periods as yet.

On wed she rang me and asked if she could go to the shop for sweets. I asked her how she was going to pay for them and she told me she was taking it out of her money box. She has approx £60 saved up from christmas and birthday money that she hasn't spent as yet. Im guessing she took the money from the stash on top of our wardrobe

ailuro2

At least she admitted it!

My sis would have said it was me!

No electronics, no clubs, no treats for a week.

At the end of it ask her again why she did it, she'll have had a whole week to think up something to tell you.

From now on count the money from time to time and make sure no more is going missing.;)

Could be worse, it could be cigarettes she was stealing - that's the only thing I ever stole from my parents.:o

digitalphase

I dunno, it's a difficult one. TBH I would have given her a bit of pocket money in the first place, but if you did that now it seems almost like you're rewarding her. I understand you wanting her to do chores, and she is old enough, but she should have a bit of spending money for sweets each week. The £60 she has saved up can go towards clothes or something worthwhile.

Suggest to her she can have regular pocket money each week if she does at least three things around the house e.g. helping unpack shopping, laying the table (I know you already suggested that), bringing her washing down, hoovering her bedroom. If she does that she can have a bit of money, if she doesn't she can't. Oh and I'd hide the money pot until you can trust her again.

mrsspendalot

pigpen wrote: »

Does she get pocket money? If not it may be time to consider it if all her friends have 'income' and she has none it could be that.

Or she could be being bullied and said bully wants cash

Or she might have started her periods and be too embarrassed to tell you and been buying pads.. yes it does happen!

Or it could be just because she wants it..

Without getting any kind of reply from her it is fairly difficult to see why she would be taking it.. especially if you give her money for other stuff if she asks.

I agree with Pigpen .... I've caught my DD (who is not quite 11) doing this a couple of times. It is normally for sweets at the tuck shop at dancing, or for a drink from the tuck shop at school. When I've questioned her, she says all her friends get money for those things. When asked why she didn't just ask me for the money, she said she thought I'd say no as I'm always saying we can't afford stuff.

I don't give DD pocket money as I pay for her to do so many activies I can't afford both. However, her Nan gives them £1 a week so they do have some pocket money from elsewhere which they save for magazines etc. I buy them sweets every few days. So when I found she was raiding the penny jar, I said I would give her 20p a day for a drink from the school tuck shop. She has had problems with bullying at school for years, so thought 20p a day was far better than having her bullied for not having the money when everyone else did. It seems to have stopped the problem now.

balletshoes

I kind of agree with your husband OP, it is the kind of thing a lot of young kids would do (and probably feel very guilty about, but would probably keep going until they were caught).

Now that the warmer weather is with us, my sister will start giving her kids (middle school age) 50p a day to spend on their way home (theres an ice-cream van visits outside the school). If they want to buy anything that costs more than 50p, they have to save up. She doesn't give them pocket money as such, because as others have said, she pays for their clubs/activities etc.

Your OH has already punished your daughter by confiscating her things/cancelling her plans, so she'll know her actions have consequences.

easy

You seem very shocked. TBH I guess most children steal a SMALL amount from their parents at some time or another, It's quite thrilling you know. But with most children it doesn't go beyond that, don't worry tooo much. Also, don't assume she may also have stolen from grandparents or anywhere else, it's quite unlikely.

She does need to be earning some regular spending money tho', apart from anything else, she needs to understand the value of money, by earning it and spending her own money on the things she wants (how come you have coughed up money for things she wants in the past, if she has £60 stashed away ??).

My DS is 11 and has earned his pocket money for the last 2 years. He has his fixed jobs - empty dishwasher every day, carry washing up and down stairs for me (I'm disabled you see) do guitar practice every day, tidy his bedroom when asked, take out the wheely bin on bin day - For which he gets £5 per week. Jobs not done deduct 50p. Then if he wants a comic or sweets he buys them, this week he is using £2 to pay for his ticket to the school disco.

Let this weeks punishment over the theft run it's course, then have a "house meeting" where you and her dad say you have realised she needs to have some pocket money , but it comes with her having some responsibilities. Make a list of her jobs (include her in the process), and get her to tick them off each day. Deduct money for any not done, and don't give her money for clubs and so forth if she hasn't earned it. I guess in the past when she got bored with jobs, you just continued giving her money for clubs & sweets anyway ??

Oh, and make it clear that if she is caught stealing again you will confiscate something dear to her - mobile phone/ mp3 player/ make up whatever, or ban a privilege like TV or Computer for a week/month.

Fruit_Gum

Thanks for the replies.

She just came down the stairs and said "Mum I'm really sorry for what I did can we be friends"

We discussed it. She said she wanted money for sweets from the shop. I told her I thought she had money in her money box and she was using that but she then said she didn't want to spend it as she is saving up for a new phone.

She then got upset and started crying and said she prayed to god in communion today that I would forgive her. I very nearly started crying at that point as well!

I told her she can think about what chores she wants to do and I will give her pocket money for doing them. I def think this is a good idea. She also understands that she will be punished and no playing out/gadgets/clubs for a week.

Feeling a bit better about it now, although I feel guilty, they know how to pull at the old heart strings!

vicx

My cousin is in the same situation as you with her daughter (She is 13).

She's been caught stealing from the money jar so she can buy chocolate on her way to/from school, not just for herself but for her friends too. She isn't allowed to eat alot of choloate as she has recently found out she is diabetic so it has been hard for her to stop or even cut down on chocolate and sweets etc resulting in her having to steal money to buy more chocolate and sweets.

She gets pocket money each week by earning it with the house chores - hovering, wahing up, getting the washing in etc but this still does not stop her from stealing. Each time her parents have caught her stealing they have taken her laptop and mobile phone from her for a week and/or grounded her but she still doesn't learn. She even searches the house high and low until she finds her laptop and mobile and ends up stealing again to top up her mobile phone.


I think taking her laptop and mobile phone from her for a week is the correct punishment for your daughter stealing from you. Hopefully she will learn that what she has done is wrong. I would also suggest counting the money in the jar or even place a few silver or copper coins on top of the money - that way you will know if she has even moved the jar.