Regret not haveing more children

nic_santorini

I am 39 years old and childless, married with a living cancer, I really really want children and most of my friends my age are on their 2nd baby, but if I have one, the oestrogen will feed the dormant tumours and wake them up - so the decision is a no brainer and it really hurts because I want a baby so badly. If you want one, can afford one, have enough love to give one, then do it. Don't regret what you have not done.

Deep_In_Debt

OP, you're not too old. A colleague is expecting twins, she's 43 and the twins are very imminent! She looks so healthy and refuses to give up work. My parents had me "late" in life...both in their early 40's.

I'm 45 and childless; but that was through choice.

lostinrates

Chakani wrote: »

OP, my mum had me at 37 and my brother at 40, she is now a fabulous energetic grandma to my two children, and has been able to be a great support to us while we got used to being parents. From my experience of being the child of a mother of that age, there are no regrets for either us or our parents.

I was the youngest child with a gap of almost twenty years, and now, in early thirties am finding that my mther needs more and more help. She has had two major ops relating to ''old age'' in the last year is rapidly losing her hearing and mobility and is prematurely (IMO) cranky and ''confused'' and while I gladly care for her when needed she's very old for her age (in her seventies.) She simply wouldn't want to, or be up to, having a baby or a toddler to care for.

We can control...to a degree, how we age...diet and exercise etc, and its increasingly available to know what we need to do, but not everyone does.

I DID feel the impact of having older parents, as did DH. We decided early on we didn't want to be older parents though we don't think our parents were bad, its not how we would want to parent. Is also fair to point out a big age gap can be wonderful, I was very close to my sister when I was little, it did lead to a lot of jealousy and resentment later when I was entering early adulthood, things being different for teenagers twenty years apart. I know plenty of great parents in their forties, but I'm just balancing the anecdotes with my own experience.

Sassers

Hi there :wave: after reading this thread, I just wanted to add my experience and maybe something from a different point of view...
I have just turned forty and I can't have children. I was never really maternal in the first place, but when I had an op four years ago and the decision was made and out of my hands, I was devastated. I've got over it and decided that I will enjoy my life whatever, and I don't envy mums when I see them, struggling away with their little ones.
I've been accused of being very selfish by virtual strangers who don't know the whole story, and why should I care about their opinions?
And if I had a pound everytime somebody has `oh it might happen one day' or `you never know' I'd be debt-free and a very rich woman by now...and the bl00dy three wise men would be knocking on the door asking to come in......!
And although I haven't seen a star over my house or any camels, I would honestly say go for it now while you still can. (And I hope this made you smile a bit....:p)....
Big hugs to you
Sassers x

Money_maker

nic_santorini wrote: »

I am 39 years old and childless, married with a living cancer, I really really want children and most of my friends my age are on their 2nd baby, but if I have one, the oestrogen will feed the dormant tumours and wake them up - so the decision is a no brainer and it really hurts because I want a baby so badly. If you want one, can afford one, have enough love to give one, then do it. Don't regret what you have not done.

Brave and touching post. Really puts things into perspective.

So sorry that things are this way for you x

SingleSue

busiscoming2 wrote: »

I shall come at this from a different angle.

I found that when I was about 39/41 I really wanted to have another baby, but it passed, I think it is your body's natural way of letting you know this is your last chance before you get 'too old'. So although you say you regret not having another child, maybe it just feels worse at the moment because of your hormones?

Oh I am so glad you have said that...I thought it was me being silly!

I am nearly 41, had a hysterectomy nearly 10 years ago and have never regretted it since....but just recently I have been having dreams about holding a little baby girl in my arms and getting a nice warm fuzzy feeling about it (even though having a baby myself is an impossibility)

Saying that, I don't think I would cope if a little baby girl came my way! I am way way past nappies and night feeds :rotfl:The thought of it makes me go cold!

Edit - my ex sister in law was 40 when she had her first, 42 for her second. Apart from being more tired, she has never regretted having children so late.

catkins

Although I do not think 39 is too old, why on earth do you want another baby? Your children will be grown up soon and you will be able to enjoy yourself with your OH. You have only been together 9 years - think of all the places you can go and things you can do without a baby tying you down. Oh and the sleepless nights, the crying, the tantrums - you must be mad

vixarooni

My mother was 40 and my father was 44 with a 13 year old son when i arrived. My father was in a bad accident when i was 12 and he nearly died. My parents took early retirement when i was 13, and now my dad has parkinsons and my mother is his full time carer. I guess you never know what the future holds, but i wouldn't change my family for the world. Yea i've probably missed out on family holidays altogether (we've only had one with the 4 of us when i was about 4 or 5) BUT my parents have lived and done everything they wanted to do so all their attention was focussed on me, especially as my brother was off getting married!

It can be done, and you only live once is my motto!! I'm 24 now, and i want children later rather than sooner!

Mrs_Arcanum

Whilst in hospital for my eldest (when aged 36) there was a lovely lady who had a boy when she was 46, (her sons at the time were 20 & 22) she thought she was starting the menopause.

There are many people who have what I call double families. A couple of children when they are young, then a couple more when the eldest are a perfect age for babysitting.

My dad was 55 when I came along, my mum 36.

onlyroz

catkins wrote: »

Although I do not think 39 is too old, why on earth do you want another baby? Your children will be grown up soon and you will be able to enjoy yourself with your OH. You have only been together 9 years - think of all the places you can go and things you can do without a baby tying you down. Oh and the sleepless nights, the crying, the tantrums - you must be mad

I have to say that this would be my thought. I love my two kids, but I am so much looking forward to the day when I can actually get a lie-in at the weekend. You're now at the stage in your life when you could go out and have some great experiences - and take your kids to some amazing places. If you have another baby now then all of that will have to be put on hold yet again.

I think you should get on with enjoying the kids that you have.