Regret not haveing more children

Raiya

Hi all...

i do come on here often but didnt want this showing up in my everyday posting so created new account.

Im feeling so low lately because i really regret not having anymore children when i felt i was young enough.

Im 39 and have 2 already with my ex H they are 18 and 12. Have been with my OH now for 9 years, he doesnt have any of his own. Over the last few years we have thought on and off should we or shouldnt we but for one reason or another it just didnt happen. I felt ok-ish about it and felt happy and lucky to have 2 already, but just lately its taking over my life that i didnt have 1 with OH and im so down and very tearful about it.:(

I know 39 isnt "old" but personally to me i feel its too old for me to start trying for a baby. I keep thinking if i did and just say lived till i was 60(i know i could go before or much later) then i would be leaving my child at the age of 20 and i would not see them fully grow up or they would not have their mum for some of the important things in life like when they married or had kids themselves.If that makes sense.

I just cant get over the feeling of regret and its making me feel so low...i just wish i had thought and felt this strongly about it 6/7/8 years ago.

I hope im making sense? Any advice of how to move on from this and get a grip as its taking over my life/thoughts 24/7.

TIA.x

AlwaysWorking

How does your OH feel about you having a child together? 39 isn't considered old nowadays so I'd advise you to talk to him and go for it if he's in favour. Okay, so you might be dead in 20 years time....or to quote the old saying, you could get run over by a bus tomorrow! Plenty of people have children young and sadly don't live to see them grow up..there are no guarantees in life.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. xx

gonzo127

meh i will be blunt as i think you are being a bit silly,

i was in you OH's position nearly 3-4 years ago, in that i hadnt got any children of my own and my wife had 2 from her previous marriage (then age 11 and 16), we decided to go for it, she was 38/39 at the time

anyways in a few months our wee one is going to turn 3 and although it has been a bit harder on my wife in some ways because she was older when she had her, she has also found it a bit easier because she hasnt been as stressed about things as she is more relaxed, it has also motivated her to get healthier and has lost over 2 stone and is so much fitter than she was when we decided to go for it.

really if you main worry is that you might die when you hit 60, all i can say is !!!!!! women you could die tomorrow walking accross the road, are you going to let that stop you going out somewhere? if it is truely something you want and you can afford to support the child then there should be nothing stopping you looking into it (does your OH actually want a child?)

one bonus we also appeared to have gained with having the wee one with the our other 2 being teenagers is that both of them have said they are going to wait to have children until they are settled and they both appear to mean it, which should at least mean contriception is not going to be an after thought for either of them

edit - you should probably remove you post sign of as its a bit of a give away

misspointy

Hiya,

That's a very difficult one to answer. But, are you really sure you and your partner don't want a baby together?.....because I'm not totally convinced by your post (but, maybe that's just me). How does your partner feel about it all? Is there pressure to have a baby?

If you and partner definitly do not want a baby why do you feel guilty, after all it is a big decision to make and if you feel you are too old then surely it is the right decision? BUT 39 is not too old for a baby at all, and stressing whether you will be here in 20 years time to look after the child isn't relevant at this point.....who knows anyone of us could die before we get to see our children grow up.

Anyway sounds to me like you both want to have a baby.... so go for it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

McKneff

Talk about it with your OH.

Friend at work had hers 2 years ago when she was 44, never regreted it for a moment and i have to say she looks 10 years younger than she did. Little Cathering keeps her on her toes.

If yu dont talk about it now, you will not only regret not having more children yu will regret not talking about it while yu were still fertile, the clock is ticking.

Hope everything turns out for you

sjc3

Raiya wrote: »

Hi all...

i do come on here often but didnt want this showing up in my everyday posting so created new account.

Im feeling so low lately because i really regret not having anymore children when i felt i was young enough.

Im 39 and have 2 already with my ex H they are 18 and 12. Have been with my OH now for 9 years, he doesnt have any of his own. Over the last few years we have thought on and off should we or shouldnt we but for one reason or another it just didnt happen. I felt ok-ish about it and felt happy and lucky to have 2 already, but just lately its taking over my life that i didnt have 1 with OH and im so down and very tearful about it.:(

I know 39 isnt "old" but personally to me i feel its too old for me to start trying for a baby. I keep thinking if i did and just say lived till i was 60(i know i could go before or much later) then i would be leaving my child at the age of 20 and i would not see them fully grow up or they would not have their mum for some of the important things in life like when they married or had kids themselves.If that makes sense.

I just cant get over the feeling of regret and its making me feel so low...i just wish i had thought and felt this strongly about it 6/7/8 years ago.

I hope im making sense? Any advice of how to move on from this and get a grip as its taking over my life/thoughts 24/7.

TIA.x

39 is still young. My mum had my brother at 42. You may live till you are 60 or go on to get a birthday card from the queen. Cant live your life worrying about when you drop dead or you wouldn't do anything. God forbid you went young your kids would have each other and other family members to see them through.

If you and your oh feel stongly enough about it go for it. Nothing worse than having a big regret.

McKneff

meh i will be blunt as i think you are being a stupid,



There is blunt and sheer rudeness, this is rude, please edit your post. There really is no need to call anyone stupid, the OP said she was feeling low. That is not going to help

Raiya

Hi thanks for replies.
My OH is down the middle he'd be happy to have one of our own but wouldnt be too upset if we didnt.

I know i could die tomorrow(pray i dont) but if i was to then im quite happy in the knowlegde my 2 exisiting children would be well looked after by ex H or if he was not around then by one of his family as he has a huge family. I on the other hand have no family at all to speak of and my OH has virtually none apart from his parents who are in their 60's and an uncle who's not far off 70. So if i or other half ended up not being around there would be no one else.

I realise im being somewhat stupid but i feel it would be unfair to have another child at my age incase the worse was to happen. I just need to find a way to get over the regret.

galvanizersbaby

I'm 38 and due to have my third baby in June (my 2 a bit younger than yours OP at 7 and 8 years)

For my OH this is his first

I occasionally have an :eek: moment when I realise I'm going back to the nappies and sleepless nights but on the whole I am delighted I've got the chance to be pg again.

I think on the issue re what age you die as other posters have said they are no guarantees in life.

If you were to die at 60 then your 12 year old may not have married or started a family yet - they may never marry or have children.

Raiya

Gonzo
"edit - you should probably remove you post sign of as its a bit of a give away "

im usure what you mean by this?

galvanizersbaby

Raiya wrote: »

Hi thanks for replies.
My OH is down the middle he'd be happy to have one of our own but wouldnt be too upset if we didnt.

I know i could die tomorrow(pray i dont) but if i was to then im quite happy in the knowlegde my 2 exisiting children would be well looked after by ex H or if he was not around then by one of his family as he has a huge family. I on the other hand have no family at all to speak of and my OH has virtually none apart from his parents who are in their 60's and an uncle who's not far off 70. So if i or other half ended up not being around there would be no one else.

I realise im being somewhat stupid but i feel it would be unfair to have another child at my age incase the worse was to happen. I just need to find a way to get over the regret.

I don't think your being stupid OP if you feel that strongly that you shouldn't have another child then all you can do really is make the most of the two you have (sorry if that's not much help)
I guess many of us have regrets in life but I guess you move onwards and upwards