Neighbour being a pain - dad very depressed

catkins

Caroline73 wrote: »

So do your parents talk about her to lots of people?

cavework

My parents are also in their 80's.
Quite often my Mum or Dad would say someone had ignored them in the street or that they had heard things said when one of them was in the front or back garden.
The problem was that they were both hard of hearing and Dads eyesight was not that great.
So people WOULD say hello but he wouldn't hear them.. he would then ignore them next time !
People would talk in the passage next to their house but what they thought was said and what was actually said was totally different.
Sometimes elderly parents will say things to get your attention, in their mind they are right but they usually have a lot of time on their hands to worry about the smallest problems which then get blown up out of all proportion.
You say your parents know people who know her first husband .. TBH what went on with her first husband or her second is of no concern to your parents and bringing that up will only cause more problems.
The issue with the birds will settle down and they will return.
I have 2 cats but the birds still feed in my garden.
Perhaps you could try to talk to her .
Ask her if she would mind just keeping an eye out for them as she lives next door and you would really appreciate her help?
Good luck
x

catkins

cavework wrote: »

My parents are also in their 80's.
Quite often my Mum or Dad would say someone had ignored them in the street or that they had heard things said when one of them was in the front or back garden.
The problem was that they were both hard of hearing and Dads eyesight was not that great.
So people WOULD say hello but he wouldn't hear them.. he would then ignore them next time !
People would talk in the passage next to their house but what they thought was said and what was actually said was totally different.
Sometimes elderly parents will say things to get your attention, in their mind they are right but they usually have a lot of time on their hands to worry about the smallest problems which then get blown up out of all proportion.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
x

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cavework

Well I wish you the best of luck getting things resolved in your own way.

catkins

cavework wrote: »

Well I wish you the best of luck getting things resolved in your own way.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mojisola

catkins wrote: »

Now my parents have had a visit by the police that none of the family are to talk to her or the children and not to look at her or the children as she is apparently intimidated by my parents (who are in their 80's!!!). Now maybe people believe me that she is a crazy, nasty, spiteful, lying !!!!! (god only knows what lies she told the police in order to get them to bother coming out). If she had told the truth the police would have laughed at her

I really think you have to take this further. Most people who have truely awful neighbours who make their life hell can't get the police to take any action about them.

Are you sure they really were police officers? If they were, then they should have been visiting to hear your parents' side of the story, not treating them as guilty.

I would write a carefully worded, polite letter to the Chief Constable explaining how upset your elderly, law-abiding parents were after the visit from the officers, especially as they have done nothing wrong.

mishkanorman

well if the OP has family members going round to her house and she IS feeling intimidated than she has every right to seek police advice, I think the OP may be blind to any problems her parents may be causing.

Mojisola

mishkanorman wrote: »

well if the OP has family members going round to her house and she IS feeling intimidated than she has every right to seek police advice, I think the OP may be blind to any problems her parents may be causing.

Even if this is true, do you think the police should be taking the word of one side in any argument or should they visiting to hear the other side of the story before saying that someone is guilty?

RacyRed

Screen the fence between the gardens. Use large plants in pots that grow tall enough to prevent your neighbour seeing into your parents garden and vice versa.

Your parents sound lovely, friendly well meaning people. But were they were in the habit of chatting to their neighbour every time she ventured into her garden? Or are they at their window watching the birds, (and, unintentionally perhaps, their neighbour) every time she went into the garden? If so she may well be feeling a bit intimidated by them.

Lets face it, we all know lovely, well meaning, older people who can be really hurtful without having a clue that they are being so.

"What a shame you are on your own now with the children"
"Have you heard anything from your ex? How is he?"

I've been in the position where it can feel as if every time you go into the garden for a minute's peace, up comes a head and the painful comments and questions start. Always with a smile, always well meaning, but they grind you down all the same.

I'm not having a go at your parent's OP, but there are always 2 sides to any story. Your parents may have unintentionally been invading their neighbour's privacy - in her eyes anyway. If she feels like that, it might explain some of her behaviour and might be why she does not want to "hear" anything your family say about it. If none of you are understanding her side of the problem what is the point of her talking about it?

So use screening. Persuade your parents to completely ignore her and her children when they are in the garden, to be sure they do not watch through the windows when the neighbour is out. Don't observe her so much.

The birds will come back when they are hungry enough and have gotten used to the decoys. Move feeders away from the shared fence, place them in the middle of the garden so that your parents are looking down the length of their garden when bird watching, not indirectly at your neighbour's garden.

A few small adjustments and things may improve. The biggest clue for me was that the neighbour had stopped asking your parents to babysit - which parent gives up free babysitting unless they feel they have a very, very good reason?

I do hope that a balance can be regained.

Kay_Peel

This is a bizarre turn of events.

I'm reading between the lines here, knowing what might happen to cases like this in my Force. Your Force might be different and police officers may have the time to mediate in neighbour disagreements.

Here's the scenario:

Woman rings up wanting to speak to an officer because she says that she's having trouble with her neighbours. There's no need for anyone to attend immediately because there isn't a breach of the peace, damage, fight, threats or anything like that.

The job is given to a PCSO. It's not a priority and he/she turns up on the doorstep when they've done more pressing jobs. S/he listens to the woman's complaints and thinks it might be a good idea to give both sets of neighbours some friendly advice to keep well away from each other in future. (An experienced police officer would probably tell her that it wasn't a police matter).

The Incident log shows something like: 'Both parties advised, no further action required.'

If your parents are confused about why the police were called to their house then someone needs to clarify the reason with the PCSO that attended. What was the allegation? Why were the police involved on that particular day - why did she phone them? What were they doing wrong?

There is no hope of mending bridges with this woman now that she has upped the ante and entered the police incident system. Shut her out, batten down the hatches and keep away. (Which is probably what the PCSO said!)