Eeek! Mother-in-law's here to stay

downshifter

EmilyQ wrote: »

I don't underestimate for a second how difficult it would be. But that's just me. In this thread we're talking about a mere two weeks to look after an 87 year old woman who probably gave up 20 years of the best years of her life to raise her children.

Gosh, I hope my children never think that about me. I didn't sacrifice anything to bear and bring them up - I had them because it was those 20yrs or so time of my life and that's what I wanted to spend that time doing. I would hate mine to think they owed me something for doing that for 20 + years, I didn't give anything up!! They were what I wanted.

I would want mine to help me if I needed it because they loved and respected me - and that love and respect needs to be earned by me, not because I'm their mother! Mine do, as do my grandchildren, - as I also love and respect my own mother because when I grow up I want to be just like her! We're just beginning to have the debate now about what additional support she might need (she's 85 and lives alone but with masses of friends and a caring 'gentleman friend' too) but that debate is being carried out jointly with her every step of the way. She has 4 children, one is disabled, one is useless and self centred, one has his head in the sand and the other is me!!

I bet you're worrying about nothing, she's probably desperate to get back into her own home to begin to set up her own life again. Talk to her about it and assume she will be going back in a couple of weeks, but be ever vigilant in case she drops hints about being worried about returning, then you can get to grips with what really needs to happen.

For the record, and my kids know this, I will gladly move into a home when the time comes, there is absolutely no way I will want to be cared for by my children or live with them. Absolutely none - they need to be able to get on with their own lives as I will mine!

DS

milliebear00001

Lots of people talking about 'owing', and therefore missing the point. It's not a 'you scratch my back...' business deal. It is family.

I recognise not everyone is close to (or even likes) their family, and I know there are circumstances that would make it impossible for some families to look after their relatives, but I believe families should, if at all possible, take care of their own.

I know I could rely on my family in a crisis before anybody else. I hope they know the same about me. I would hate to think they wouldn't feel they could turn to me if they needed help. I know my mum (for example) would hate to go into a home and be looked after by strangers. She would never ask me to take her in, but because I know how unhappy she would be, I would do everything in my power to stop it happening - whether chasing up the social care she might be entitled to to keep her in her own home, or by taking her into my home if need be.

Brb

It's incredibly difficult for the sons and daughters to tend to the more private needs of an elderly parent. I work in a care home for those with dementia and find it's the family that need more support than the resident. Caring for an elderly person (particularly with dementia) at home with little support can become lonely and desperate. In a good home the parent can rediscover hobbies, socialise with each other, have bingo nights, film nights etc and family can visit as often as they like. It is nice to see that some visit every day, some all day. The carers take care of the nitty gritty stuff and family are left to enjoy their relative (take for walks, out for the day etc).

The decision however to take that step and look for a good care home is generally fraught with feelings of guilt

catfish50

Brb wrote: »

It's incredibly difficult for the sons and daughters to tend to the more private needs of an elderly parent.

However, it's not incredibly difficult to be normally compassionate and civil. It's not really very nice for the OP to presumably pretend to be polite to his wife's mother, while posting behind her back about his desire for her to leave.

Brb

catfish50 wrote: »

However, it's not incredibly difficult to be normally compassionate and civil. It's not really very nice for the OP to presumably pretend to be polite to his wife's mother, while posting behind her back about his desire for her to leave.

Sometimes it's just good to have a whinge to get things off the chest. On an anon forum OP could do that without upsetting his wife nor any other members of the family.

On a personal note we nipped over to see my Mum today and she had a fall had an hour of "oh, don't want you worrying about me, I'm fine!!" (tried to mention a zimmer) shall have to google an alarm thingy and other options. Eventhough she knows I work with the elderly she won't hear of either me nor my sister fussing over her as we have our children and lives to live (err excuse me Mum YOU ARE part of my life!).

catfish50

Brb wrote: »

Sometimes it's just good to have a whinge to get things off the chest. On an anon forum OP could do that without upsetting his wife nor any other members of the family

Yes, I agree that it can help to let off steam when a person's trying to cope with a difficult situation. I find it hard to sympathize with someone who starts whinging the minute his wife's poorly mother comes through the door.

paddyz

Sounds like he just doesnt want to be pushed into looking after his MIL full time, sometimes the thought of being stuck in a situation is a bit scary,
OP heres a site for personal alarms http://www.aidcall.co.uk/personalcare/ could get that up and running in 2 weeks

Also you could contact your local council to find out if they supply them for people in need? hope MIL is ok and feeling better soon

mlz1413

EmilyQ wrote: »

I just still don't agree Im afraid. If any of my parents ever need our love and support, we will be there for them a hundred and 10 percent.

I don't underestimate for a second how difficult it would be. But that's just me. In this thread we're talking about a mere two weeks to look after an 87 year old woman who probably gave up 20 years of the best years of her life to raise her children. It utterly infuriates me that people are so quick to be selfish and only consider things from their own point of view.

My aunty currently lives with my parents and she has Down's Syndrome. She is 56 and mark my words, it's tough going for them. But we love her and she's family. She's part of us, so we all chip in and help out.

You do what you can for family. I just think it's a shame that people arent that little bit more considerate or caring.

Sorry EmilyQ but this is all spoken as would do and will do and not from experience and from have done.

I think most of us would do their best, more than best for any family member that needs their help, but once you have experienced it and done it you'll understand that only you can ensure your immediate family has the best done by them.

GDB2222 asking for 2 months to allow your wife to finish off 4 years hard work is more than fair, actually essential as it will allow her to move forward. I think Silvercars suggestions are very good.
But if the brother is issuing instructions then I'd put the phone down on him! how dare someone tell you what to do from a distance, I think your email to him is spot on.

Try and make a plan for how to cope between now and the end of the degree and then make another plan after that.

Also can the MIL go to the brother for the exam period? ie remove the responsiblility from your wife?

GDB2222

I am pleased to say that MIL has visibly improved in the 3 days since she's been with us - partly because we've been feeding her up. She was under 7 stone, fully clothed, when she arrived. She thought that she was just elegantly slender, but we all begged to differ. (Words were spoken - anorexic, gaunt. Holding haggard in reserve.) Anyway, she's off for some tests in the next couple of days to see what's wroing with her and then a visit to the doctor on Tuesday. Wife's brother is taking 2 days off work to see to this, which is pretty good of him.

She is welcome, more than welcome, to stay with us for a period of recuperation, but I am not very keen on her staying longterm. Nor is she, for that matter. We discussed that with her and agreed we'll review things in two weeks. If she carries on as she is, it looks like she'll be fine to go home in two weeks. She's really no trouble. My main concern is about wife's studies. MIL's main concern is that she normally smokes like a chimney, and we have a strictly no-smoking policy in the house. I am missing ITV3, though.

LPA is sorted now, thanks.