Eeek! Mother-in-law's here to stay

Needhelpsaving

Your a saint!!! Hell would freeze over before I let my MIL move in - she's bad enough now!!!!! :rotfl:

EmilyQ

Hi there... I'm not sure if anyone else has pointed this out yet but I think if your MIL is not well and 87 years old, shouldn't you be sincerely happy that she's there??? A chance to look after her and be there for her, make her feel part of the family like she is?

I'm sorry but that's just the way life is. It's now your turn to show love and respect like she did with your wife, after all those many years of sacrifice. It's the natural order and balance of things.

Don't get me wrong. I don't especially like my inlaws. But you do these sorts of things because that's what love is all about.

Wouldn't you want the same when you're not feeling well and in your late eighties? Wouldn't you want your own family to love and want to look after you?

If it was me, I'd be suggesting to my wife that the MIL could permanently stay. Poor woman. I hope she gets better soon.

Pitlanepiglet

We live with my elderly and partially disabled father and we've just arranged to move 90 year old MiL closer to us, so it's a subject that I'm familiar with. Nobody should underestimate the difficulty of providing care for someone. Sometimes it's a good solution, sometimes it's a really poor solution for ALL involved and everyone does need to be honest about how they feel about it.

We have a granny annexe so that we all have independence but Dad is supported and assisted with food, medication etc. and has someone around for him.

MiL is moving from a sheltered accommodation flat to an Abbeyfield House. Abbeyfield is a national charity and they provide lovely houses. Residents get their own room with meals provided (how many meals varies by location). It's not a residential or a care home, it's a community and MiL is really looking forward to the company (having lived to nearly 91 friends are in short supply!). The residents meet for morning coffee, lunch and high tea and there is a house manager on site all day to help with whatever needs to be done. They get issued with call buttons as standard and are required to keep them with them.

It's a really nice solution for those who still want some independence but don't want the hard grind of making their own meals etc. She struggles to dress herself so social services are putting carers in morning and evening to help her.

For my MiL it's a good solution, she we can't have her here - we've already got one oldie and actually she's really looking forward to having people around her, she lives a quite isolated life where she is at the moment.

I'd recommend looking at Abbeyfield homes, they reasonably priced and in MiL's case as she gets pension credits and attendance allowance most of the costs will be met for her.

GDB2222

The other BIG issue for us is that my wife is just finishing her university degree that she started 4 years ago. She ahs found the course quite difficult, but she has worked really hard at it. Final exams in a month, but she has managed to do precisely 2 hours work on this in the last 4 days. This is what is really eating me up. Her brother, who lives 150 miles away, does nothing at all, except issue instructions. I have just emailed him with the date of MIL's next hospital visit and asked him how he proposes to get her there, as it's his turn to do something.

My wife and I have invested so much effort in this degree, which my wife really wanted to do, and I am just so so upset about this happening now and her brother not helping at all.

Blodwen

EmilyQ wrote: »

Hi there... I'm not sure if anyone else has pointed this out yet but I think if your MIL is not well and 87 years old, shouldn't you be sincerely happy that she's there??? A chance to look after her and be there for her, make her feel part of the family like she is?

I'm sorry but that's just the way life is. It's now your turn to show love and respect like she did with your wife, after all those many years of sacrifice. It's the natural order and balance of things.

Don't get me wrong. I don't especially like my inlaws. But you do these sorts of things because that's what love is all about.

Wouldn't you want the same when you're not feeling well and in your late eighties? Wouldn't you want your own family to love and want to look after you?

If it was me, I'd be suggesting to my wife that the MIL could permanently stay. Poor woman. I hope she gets better soon.

I do agree, up to a point. If my mum was on her own I'd love her to come and live with us and it would break my heart to see her living alone or away from family, but I know OH wouldn't have it (even if it was his own mum) as he's seen the problems it can cause. His gran went to live with his parents when he was a kid, and it was partly to help them out as she had sold her own house and was lending them some money to buy theirs. However, even though she had her own granny flat she never (to cut a long story short) stopped interfering in their lives, and in the end it was a huge factor in OH's parents divorcing. 20-odd years on and gran, who is in now her 90s and practically deaf and blind, still lives with OH's mum, who struggles to work a few days a week to get by and essentially still be a full time carer even though she has 2 siblings - one (who lives abroad) comes over and takes gran out for her birthday/Christmas and then disappears for another 6 months while the other one (who lives in the next county) means well but 'isn't the nursing type' so only takes a turn when OH's mum needs a break.

This isn't much help to the OP but I'm just saying you have to think about how it is going to impact on everyone in the household. Can completely understand about siblings not pulling their weight though. I really hope you manage to get to a satisfactory conclusion GDB.

silvercar

GDB2222 wrote: »

The other BIG issue for us is that my wife is just finishing her university degree that she started 4 years ago. She ahs found the course quite difficult, but she has worked really hard at it. Final exams in a month, but she has managed to do precisely 2 hours work on this in the last 4 days. This is what is really eating me up. Her brother, who lives 150 miles away, does nothing at all, except issue instructions. I have just emailed him with the date of MIL's next hospital visit and asked him how he proposes to get her there, as it's his turn to do something.

My wife and I have invested so much effort in this degree, which my wife really wanted to do, and I am just so so upset about this happening now and her brother not helping at all.

Wait for the sibling to say that you had the help when the kids were young with grandparents on the doorstep.

With only a month to go to finals I would be tempted to get some outside help in for that time and for your wife to study in the local library.

Just introduce MIL to a new carer as the person that is coming to sit with you every afternoon whilst your wife is out of the house studying.

Either that or start ringing MILs friends to get a rota together to drop in.

Your wife needs to remove herself from the situation to get some undisturbed time.

milliebear00001

stokesley wrote: »

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think my children owe me any favours. Anyway, some are born to nursing and some have nursing thrust upon them; I prefer to take my chances with the former...

I don't think that's old fashioned at all. Old fashioned would be doing what people always did in the past - i.e. taking in their elderly and infirm relatives and looking after them. Call me old fashioned, but that would be my preference.

It is fine if you don't want to be a burden to your family, but you are likely to become a burden to somebody, should you live a nice, long life. I can completely understand why an infirm person wouldn't suddenly become overjoyed about an underpaid stranger wiping their bum, and might prefer a loving, close relative to do it!

Would you do this for your spouse?

paddyz

I think most people would look after a partner doing all the personal bits as they have been in close personal contact with them during the whole relationship, but to care for a parent is different, some people have never even seen a parent naked, most likely never looked after them before in their lives, so to face that might not be such a natural easy thing to do for some.

I dont really want to think about my kids having to look after me around the clock inc personal care in my old age. to care for a elderly person can be really hard, especially if they have really high care needs.

EmilyQ

Blodwen wrote: »

I do agree, up to a point. If my mum was on her own I'd love her to come and live with us and it would break my heart to see her living alone or away from family, but I know OH wouldn't have it (even if it was his own mum) as he's seen the problems it can cause. His gran went to live with his parents when he was a kid, and it was partly to help them out as she had sold her own house and was lending them some money to buy theirs. However, even though she had her own granny flat she never (to cut a long story short) stopped interfering in their lives, and in the end it was a huge factor in OH's parents divorcing. 20-odd years on and gran, who is in now her 90s and practically deaf and blind, still lives with OH's mum, who struggles to work a few days a week to get by and essentially still be a full time carer even though she has 2 siblings - one (who lives abroad) comes over and takes gran out for her birthday/Christmas and then disappears for another 6 months while the other one (who lives in the next county) means well but 'isn't the nursing type' so only takes a turn when OH's mum needs a break.

This isn't much help to the OP but I'm just saying you have to think about how it is going to impact on everyone in the household. Can completely understand about siblings not pulling their weight though. I really hope you manage to get to a satisfactory conclusion GDB.

I just still don't agree Im afraid. If any of my parents ever need our love and support, we will be there for them a hundred and 10 percent.

I don't underestimate for a second how difficult it would be. But that's just me. In this thread we're talking about a mere two weeks to look after an 87 year old woman who probably gave up 20 years of the best years of her life to raise her children. It utterly infuriates me that people are so quick to be selfish and only consider things from their own point of view.

My aunty currently lives with my parents and she has Down's Syndrome. She is 56 and mark my words, it's tough going for them. But we love her and she's family. She's part of us, so we all chip in and help out.

You do what you can for family. I just think it's a shame that people arent that little bit more considerate or caring.

catfish50

GDB2222 wrote: »

MIL has her own bungalow, and she wants to get better and go back there. Look, we can nurse her okay for a couple of weeks if this is just an acute illness, and I'm pleased to do that as she was a great help to us when the kids were small. I just don't want this to become a long-term arrangement.

She's reasonably compos mentis, and I've been pressing my wife to get her to do an enduring power of attorney. Maybe, this time, they'll actually deal with it. I got all the forms, and so on.

Don't worry, you'll intuitively find ways of letting her know when her welcome is up. Just after the Power of Attorney forms have been signed, maybe? Don't forget to offer to help her with her will.