Worry about leaving my son :((

lisaloo1977

JC9297 wrote: »

You don't love your child more than other parents love their children, you say a couple of times how much you love him - as if to say it's easier for other parents because they don't love their child as much.
I am not sure how me saying I love my child, translates to me thinking others love theirs less??? I never said anything of the sort:eek:
It is just that you are unable to rationalise the fear that something could happen to you whilst you are away from him, this is what you need to work on. The risk is minimal, as others have said you are more likely to die in a car crash and as someone else said if the unimaginable did happen would it make it better if he was with you?
Of course it would not be better if he died, I also understand the likelihood of anything happening is minimal. But have you never feared anything in your life?


Yes, you could take him and still have a great time but it wouldn't be the special time your lovely husband planned for just the two of you.(Are you sure you'd be happy leaving him in the care of unknown hotel staff whilst you went out, this would worry me more than leaving him at home with my mum.)

[/We would have a good time with him, my husband agrees and is happy for him to come. Yes he didn't book that, but nothing to stop him adding our son on. Leaving him with an unknown staff member is not an issue, it's a really good hotel we always use the brand and have never had a problem. I feel very secure that he would be just fine for the 3 hours. So I guess that means I can let go of him and be independent, it's just the flights I fear!!!:o

lisaloo1977

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Me too! Scary enough on the rare occasions we had a baby monitor in a hotel and we were downstairs with the children just upstairs, could not have left the building with them in the care of someone I'd barely met! And I'm one of the more laid back mums I know ...

It's not just someone you have barely met though, it's someone who is trained in childcare and who works at the hotel for that reason.

I watch plenty of parents drop their child off at hotel children's clubs and go off to do things offsite or just lie by a pool. I don't see any of them worrying about doing it?

mummyroysof3

I wish i hadnt looked at this thread now, bet you lot will have me down as an awful parent as the longest ive been away from mine is about 6 hours and never overnight, they are 1, 3 and 5 lol

Ettenna

My initial reaction is grow some, go with your DH on this wonderful trip and leave DS with his grandparents to have fun. If your plane was to crash and you were to die then you wouldn't know what was happening in his life anyway. I would rather leave my children with their grandparents than with some stranger in a hotel in a foreign country - no matter how well qualified they were.

I think you would regret this for a long time if you weren't to go. Have you got time to go on a fear of flying course?

Spendless

It wouldn't worry me to leave my kids at holiday clubs or with hotel staff. I've done it both abroad and at home (holiday playschemes that I'm using for the 1st time). I more worry about whether they'll be on their best behaviour for whoever is in charge and if they aren't then they'll be consequences and apologies but at least I won't have to see the hotel staff every again ...unlike my MIL, who I will.

I wasn't aware that you could go offsite whilst using holiday sites babysitting/kids club service? Perhaps that is just where I've been. I know I loved it last year when there was an evening kids club running and we dropped kids off there, before going to the (expensive) restaurant onsite just me and hubby...that was fab. When we took kids out to eat one evenign we went off site cos it was cheaper.

Have you made your mind up what you are doing lisaloo?

lisaloo1977

Nenen wrote: »

You are not stupid and of course you love your son, just as the vast majority of mothers do. However, as other posters have said, you need to be VERY careful not to pass your separation anxiety on to your son.

Having told your son you are going it is likely to be very confusing for him if you now change your mind - particularly if you say something like you can't bear to leave him as this really will cause psychological issues for him.I would never tell him we did not go because of anything to do with him, that would be wrong on so may levels.
Regarding him asking you if you don't love him enough(Did not say it to me, he said it to his daddy and was of course told that we love him, and that he was going on a holiday to the seaside to stay with nana and grandad with the dog) to take him with you, you could tell him something like - of course Daddy and I love you VERY much but sometimes it is nice for us to spend special time together, just like mummy and *son's name* like doing x together and daddy and *son's name* like doing y together and *son's name* and best friend like doing z together... Mummy and Daddy also want to go to a special shop to choose you a present together while we are away.

My husband's mother couldn't bear to be parted from him and constantly worried about awful things happening to her so he became a very anxious little boy. By the time he was twelve, he started to resent his mother and their relationship became very strained. To be honest their relationship never really recovered as she never learned to let go and he found her attachment overbearing. His relationship with his father also suffered as his father got fed up with being constantly relegated to second place.
I am parted from him lots, he goes to play with friends and has slept over at his cousins and nanas house, its not the being away from him, he will be fine, spoilt rotten and get to play with his 4 cousins who we live miles away from, its the blumming plane journey.

You mention how awful it would be for your son to be an orphan but it would be pretty horrid (and far more likely) for your son to be brought up by parents who have separated because you couldn't control your fears and have thrown an incredible present back in your husband's face. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean to be unkind, but sometimes you have to suffer pain yourself in order for your children to feel free to enjoy life to the full. You have already said your son will have a wonderful time at his grandparents - let him enjoy this without worry. Meanwhile, you go with your husband and have a super time! Agree with all of the bottom part of that. Having just read your post to my husband, he says he would not leave me, ive just wasted my birthday present thats all. He understands i have a fear of flying, he is also with me about 10 times a year sat on a plane so knows i fight the fear. Its just a new experience this time not taking our son.

Personally, my husband and I juggled very tight finances and tried to get away for a long weekend every couple of years from the time our youngest child was three (so old enough to explain where we were going and understand we would be back). This meant we maintained the importance of our marital relationship and this has been such a help now our three children are all independent and we're facing empty nest syndrome. Our three are all now adults (youngest still at university) and are well-balanced lovely young people with whom we have a great relationship. My dh and I have also managed to notch up 30 years of marriage this year! Come on - you CAN do this!

:T:T:T Congrats on the 30 years and three children, and i do appreciate your words of advice:)

If we go or dont go, or even if we take the munch with us, im sure we will all have a fantastic time where ever we are.

pinkclouds

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

I wish i hadnt looked at this thread now, bet you lot will have me down as an awful parent as the longest ive been away from mine is about 6 hours and never overnight, they are 1, 3 and 5 lol

Don't be silly! I would never leave my kids behind to go on vacation and neither would my parents. I don't see the point in pretending to be a childless couple when we're not and us and the kids would miss each other too much. It wouldn't even occur to me to go to a restaurant sans kids unless it was explicitly agreed. You sound just like me.

However, if the OP and various other posters are happy to leave their kids with appropriate carers for a week or two, then that's okay too. The important thing is that the kids are being well cared for and are totally safe and secure.

angelil

January20 wrote: »

It's not just being brave. It's helping your son grow up and develop to the day when he will have to leave you to live his own life.

You say he is a mummy's boy. What if you transfer your anxiety about being separated onto him and he finds himself unable to make the most of the opportunities that will present themselves to him because he will have to be away from you?

For instance, nowadays, school provide the opportunity of school trips to very young children (Y3-4). What if you actions today mean that in the near future he won't want to go on such trip? How will that affect his development, his friendships, the way other kids see him?

For me, it wasn't being brave letting my dd go away on her own, it was starting her development into what she has become: an independent young adult.

My parents didn't do that for me. When I was 10-11, I still couldn't go and stay at my grandparents because I missed home. When I was 12 my grandparents died. How I regret now that I didn't spend more time with them!

ditto this.

In addition, OP, try to think of it this way: when your son (and any other children you might have) grow up and leave the nest you will have to maintain a positive relationship with your other half without using the children as a crutch. I am not saying you are doing that now (at all!!!) but think alone time is important to a couple while they have children, not just for their current relationship but also for their future relationship after their children have left home. It is important to spend quality time with ALL of the people who are important to you - not just your son - and this trip that your husband has organised will give you the chance to do that in a way that it sounds like you do not get to do very often. You do not stop being your own person when you become a parent so why not give yourself a chance to indulge yourself as a person rather than just in your capacities as a mum?

Others in this thread have also shared their stories of how leaving their children from time to time has only been positive, in the best possible way. I have mine to add: my parents went away at least once a year without us from when my sister and I were pretty young: if I was 8 when they first went away (and I think I was younger) then my sister then would have only been 5. We were both always fine. Remember that in any case you cannot legislate against life; good and bad things happen so often by chance. At some point my father was flying to America for business once a month at a time when my mother herself was not that keen on flying, but she had to get used to the idea and be strong for us - otherwise what kind of role model would she have been for her children?

I hope you manage to go on this trip and to have a great time doing it I recommend following the advice from the others as well in terms of overcoming your fear of flying - remember that the activities you do day to day can be much more risky statistically

lisaloo1977

Am i going indeed?

Well yes i most likely am, how can i miss 3rd row seats from one of my fave men.

I am going to take my fear and hopefully go with it the same way i do when my son comes on planes with us. Hope the big bird gets off the ground and stays there until its time to come back down:D

Todays positive thinking is "You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change"

Can i just say that whilst i fear flying, i dont wrap my son in cotton wool, he is very much the little boy and is not really scared of anything, well except Tower of Terror, but he still went on it twice:eek: and whilst on a very bad bumpy plane journey into Borneo where most of the people onboard were praying, muttering or whimpering my son had his hands in the air as if he was on Thunder mountain. :T

I dont claim to love him more than anyone loves their children, i love him as his mum and leaving him for the first time to get on a plane which terrifies me, has just given me a wobble thats all.

Thanks for all the responses

DUTR

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

I wish i hadnt looked at this thread now, bet you lot will have me down as an awful parent as the longest ive been away from mine is about 6 hours and never overnight, they are 1, 3 and 5 lol

You would be an awful parent if you passed on the negativities to your children, Nenen earlier in the thread has summed it up well in the 1st line.
:cool: