marriage break up, debts and gaming

Tropez

Mojisola wrote: »

I think it's very unfair to suggest that CapQuest Help should have allowed her OH to tear the house to bits. They're already in serious debt - how would having a wrecked house help their situation?

If her OH is not shocked enough by having to leave the family home then there's very little will reach him at the moment. It's his problem and until he accepts that, there is very little CapQuest will be able to do to help him.

He would hardly wreck the house. I'm sure as a gaming addict he would know how fragile his precious Playstation is. He pulls out a few cupboards, makes a bit of a mess - and either during his little tirade or shortly after he realises the extent of his behaviour. You can trigger the catalyst of change by allowing people to display the extent of their problem so that they can see it through you.

You're suggesting that there is nothing that can reach him despite the fact that there's been several suggestions so far that he does recognise he has a problem and would like to change but lacks the willpower to do this - he's weak and based on many of the comments around here lately it would seem to be a common affliction of most men but that doesn't mean that he is beyond all help.

Charlie1978

We've had this issue in our house. It took many arguments and lots of talking for us to come to some sort of arrangements. I've got to admit... I ended one relationship because of gaming (I had just had a baby and the dad did nothing but sit on his playstation. He didn't bother working either). BUT, this time I can actually see where my OH is coming from and instead of being a nag and seeing it through completely biased eyes I had to re-evaluate my thinking.

My OH works FT. He actually works really really hard. This is, as he says his hobby. He has Tuesday nights as his Xbox night. That's solely a 'do not touch' night where if he wants to come off early and we watch some telly fine but if not I have no say in it. He will often play at the weekends too but I tend to go out during the day of the weekend and he looks after the kids. Most often they are playing together and he sorts their dinner out and does all the washing at the weekend too.

I used to feel really annoyed at the time spent on the console. And we had a massive barney one day with me going off on one and him sending me a long e-mail explaining his side of things. And you know what? I hadn't considered a lot of what was put in that e-mail. He left me to think about it and I did just that. Our marriage was on the line before that e-mail but it did actually change everything. He was right. He didn't go out until all hours with his mates getting pig drunk and I never saw him. He didn't do nothing around the house and expect me to do everything. He works hard and has a hobby that he wants to spend time with and didn't see an issue as long as we could agree to times.

So that's what we did. We now have a comfortable existence where I no longer mind at all. If I don't want the Xbox on all I have to do is say. Before I used to stomp around and get annoyed. Now if I just say 'can we do something' it is good enough.

There is a compromise if you're both willing to stick to it. We have a baby due in 5 weeks and obviously our compromise is going to have to be re-written. But i'm not worried. I'm actually thinking life is pretty good right now. We both get what we want just in smaller doses

Tropez

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

the cab said 200 to 258 is the recommended housekeeping for a single person.

its only 46.15 a week and i have 2 cats to feed out of that.

looked into your cheap broadband link and called the cheapest. they confirmed im not in a cheap broadband area and its 12.99 per month

It depends what housekeeping covers though.

I feed three whippets on £25 a month and it is a good quality food and whippets consume more than cats. Make sure you're shopping around for your cats food and check some of the online retailers. Be aware of special offers at places like Pets at Home too.

My first job as a single person out on there on my own, paid £750 per month after tax and I was able to run a house on that. Of course, we have inflation to consider, but some of my friends are still running their homes on equivalent wages. Admittedly the level of debt is a sticking point but you can negotiate with creditors to freeze interest and only pay off the debt from that point on. If you're only paying minimum payments but still paying interest then you're going to struggle.

Is that 12.99 for unlimited broadband and if so do you need unlimited?

Also, it should be said, the items that were purchased on store cards and via catalogues - do you really need them? Or could you not look to start selling these off on eBay, or at a car boot or anything else? Most of us hold on to things we don't actually need - maybe it is time to start putting things aside to sell?

Mojisola

Tropez wrote: »

You're suggesting that there is nothing that can reach him despite the fact that there's been several suggestions so far that he does recognise he has a problem and would like to change but lacks the willpower to do this - he's weak and based on many of the comments around here lately it would seem to be a common affliction of most men but that doesn't mean that he is beyond all help.

Seriously!? You're really writing off half the human race as being too weak to control their desires? I must be very lucky with the men I know.

If I had struggled to help someone for over two years in a constantly deteriorating situation, I think I would have had enough. I certainly wouldn't feel it was my fault or responsibility to force him out of his addition.

I might offer a breathing space where he lived away from home and dealt with his addition while I did what I could to sort out the finances. If he was able to do that and I got back on a reasonable financial footing, it might be worth trying again.

CapQuest_Help

Charlie1978 wrote: »

We've had this issue in our house. It took many arguments and lots of talking for us to come to some sort of arrangements. I've got to admit... I ended one relationship because of gaming (I had just had a baby and the dad did nothing but sit on his playstation. He didn't bother working either). BUT, this time I can actually see where my OH is coming from and instead of being a nag and seeing it through completely biased eyes I had to re-evaluate my thinking.

My OH works FT. He actually works really really hard. This is, as he says his hobby. He has Tuesday nights as his Xbox night. That's solely a 'do not touch' night where if he wants to come off early and we watch some telly fine but if not I have no say in it. He will often play at the weekends too but I tend to go out during the day of the weekend and he looks after the kids. Most often they are playing together and he sorts their dinner out and does all the washing at the weekend too.

I used to feel really annoyed at the time spent on the console. And we had a massive barney one day with me going off on one and him sending me a long e-mail explaining his side of things. And you know what? I hadn't considered a lot of what was put in that e-mail. He left me to think about it and I did just that. Our marriage was on the line before that e-mail but it did actually change everything. He was right. He didn't go out until all hours with his mates getting pig drunk and I never saw him. He didn't do nothing around the house and expect me to do everything. He works hard and has a hobby that he wants to spend time with and didn't see an issue as long as we could agree to times.

So that's what we did. We now have a comfortable existence where I no longer mind at all. If I don't want the Xbox on all I have to do is say. Before I used to stomp around and get annoyed. Now if I just say 'can we do something' it is good enough.

There is a compromise if you're both willing to stick to it. We have a baby due in 5 weeks and obviously our compromise is going to have to be re-written. But i'm not worried. I'm actually thinking life is pretty good right now. We both get what we want just in smaller doses

My husband used to play in his free time. now he gets up about 4 am or before so he can fit an hour in before he has to get ready for work. he won't work a full day and is nearly always home before me - playing the playstation. he always says "ive just walked in the door" but its not true.
He wont start dinner, he wont do anything around the house or garden or DIY.
He constantly takes days off - ill, but its to play playstation really.

He gets angry if disturbed or interupted.
He has to have his playstation fix twice daily or all day.
on his days off, which he takes to many of, he can play for 10 hours.
despite being deep in dept and struggling to pay for everything he recently bought a leather gaming chair with built in speakers and ive seen him buy things via his playstation.

The lies are the biggest problem. Pretending to work & sneeking home while im out working. lying about what hours he works, lying about money. hes even pretended to talk to people on the phone about not being able to get work for the next day & when he went to bed I pressed redail & he had been pretending to talk to someone.

CapQuest_Help

Tropez wrote: »

It depends what housekeeping covers though.

I feed three whippets on £25 a month and it is a good quality food and whippets consume more than cats. Make sure you're shopping around for your cats food and check some of the online retailers. Be aware of special offers at places like Pets at Home too.

My first job as a single person out on there on my own, paid £750 per month after tax and I was able to run a house on that. Of course, we have inflation to consider, but some of my friends are still running their homes on equivalent wages. Admittedly the level of debt is a sticking point but you can negotiate with creditors to freeze interest and only pay off the debt from that point on. If you're only paying minimum payments but still paying interest then you're going to struggle.

Is that 12.99 for unlimited broadband and if so do you need unlimited?

Also, it should be said, the items that were purchased on store cards and via catalogues - do you really need them? Or could you not look to start selling these off on eBay, or at a car boot or anything else? Most of us hold on to things we don't actually need - maybe it is time to start putting things aside to sell?

That 12.99 is the absolute cheapest deal in my area, but I cant take it yet as im in contract till august.

That 46.00 is to feed me and the cats and cover cleaning materials and everything else that comes along.

I will have a carboot sale, but they dont start till the weather is better. I have things on ebay.

Tropez

Mojisola wrote: »

Seriously!? You're really writing off half the human race as being too weak to control their desires? I must be very lucky with the men I know.

If I had struggled to help someone for over two years in a constantly deteriorating situation, I think I would have had enough. I certainly wouldn't feel it was my fault or responsibility to force him out of his addition.

I might offer a breathing space where he lived away from home and dealt with his addition while I did what I could to sort out the finances. If he was able to do that and I got back on a reasonable financial footing, it might be worth trying again.

Actually, I'm not writing off the human race. That is why I said "based on many of the comments around here" - it was more a sarcastic comment than anything else. I actually don't believe that men being weak is a common affliction. I do, however, believe that a lot of people around here seem to think it is.

As for having enough, we don't actually know what has been happening for the past couple of years. This man could be seriously depressed which is a very common affliction for people who get caught up in life-destroying addictions. We do know that in order not to rock the boat the OP has, unfortunately, been doing things that have only served to further the behaviour - such as continuing to pay for Sky, when clearly their budget does not allow for this. It is a mistake, one that can be rectified in time of course, but a mistake nonetheless. We also know that in order not to rock this boat, the OP has continued to try and live as normal - in theory it makes sense but in practice it is only aiding to inform his behaviour and further the devastation of this addiction.

More importantly though, the point isn't what you or I would do in this situation, but what the OP wants to do, hence why my responses have always been about whether she wants to help him or not. She can dump him for good, although I get the impression she doesn't want to do that - but if she doesn't want to do that then she is going to have to help in some way. Sending him off to play games on his own is more likely to place further distance between her and her husband. If she wants him then she needs to help him.

CapQuest_Help

Tropez wrote: »

More importantly though, the point isn't what you or I would do in this situation, but what the OP wants to do, hence why my responses have always been about whether she wants to help him or not. She can dump him for good, although I get the impression she doesn't want to do that - but if she doesn't want to do that then she is going to have to help in some way. Sending him off to play games on his own is more likely to place further distance between her and her husband. If she wants him then she needs to help him.

I don't know how to.
I'm not sure he even wants to come home. I think he might like living in a bedsit with his playstation at the moment. I think he might have said that on the wednesday about bringing the playstation home to get me to say no, so he would have a reason not to come home.

Tropez

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

That 12.99 is the absolute cheapest deal in my area, but I cant take it yet as im in contract till august.

That 46.00 is to feed me and the cats and cover cleaning materials and everything else that comes along.

I will have a carboot sale, but they dont start till the weather is better. I have things on ebay.

But £46 per week is only £184, not £200. I realise you may be rounding things up (such as the £900 which was actually £872) for convenience purposes but it won't help you get out of the situation you are in. That is why I suggested you do the statement of affairs and post it on the DFW board because in your situation every penny needs to be accounted for due to the fact that the £16 difference between £200 and £184 is a significant sum when you are talking about having only £42 per month to pay debts with.

As for carboots - Scout troops will occasionally organise bring and buy sales. Keep an eye out. These are almost always under roofs.

Tropez

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

I don't know how to.
I'm not sure he even wants to come home. I think he might like living in a bedsit with his playstation at the moment. I think he might have said that on the wednesday about bringing the playstation home to get me to say no, so he would have a reason not to come home.

In that case, how about (much like a user above spoke of) writing down all of your thoughts and feelings into a letter, with as much detail as possible, and then just leave it up to him?

In the mean time, get yourself some help from the GP or local support groups.