marriage break up, debts and gaming

Tropez

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

Hes only tried to cut down before. He doesnt think he has a problem he says its his hobby.

But you have said that he gave the indication that he was willing to sell the Playstation to remain as your partner, but then, for whatever reason, went back on his word. Pursue this. Ask him to explain why he was at first willing but then unwilling to sell the Playstation? It may help him realise that he is, in fact, addicted to it and cannot function without it.

At least on some level he recognises that the Playstation is a problem, at the very least in your relationship. It might be difficult to "cure" him but it isn't impossible. The seeds for regrowth are already there.

CapQuest_Help

Tropez wrote: »

But you have said that he gave the indication that he was willing to sell the Playstation to remain as your partner, but then, for whatever reason, went back on his word. Pursue this. Ask him to explain why he was at first willing but then unwilling to sell the Playstation? It may help him realise that he is, in fact, addicted to it and cannot function without it.

At least on some level he recognises that the Playstation is a problem, at the very least in your relationship. It might be difficult to "cure" him but it isn't impossible. The seeds for regrowth are already there.

He said on wedneday he couldnt come home withit it. Then on friday he said to me on the phone he hasnt gamed since he left.

one of those statements is a lie.

his gaming addiction has turned him from a bluntly honest man to a liar and I cant believ e anything he says anymore:(

Raspberry_Ripples

Tropez wrote: »

.......I would also like to mention that where you say that his gaming has got you in to debt, I do not think it would be appropriate or fair to blame this on him. People do not run up £12k debts on credit cards and catalogues if they're looking after their finances properly. While he may not have helped, he does not need to be blamed for something that is not wholly his fault as it will simply fuel any depression he may be experiencing along with the feelings of worthlessness that may well have contributed to his excessive gaming in the first place.

Lovely sermon, thank you

But OP did say that her OH is self employed and he spends more time playing than working.

No work = no money, therefore in order to pay for the bills etc, she has borrowed money. Please correct me if I am wrong OP.

CapQuest_Help

Tropez wrote: »

If he is an addict, then he needs help, not ultimatums.

Many men and women, of all ages, enjoy video games as the pass time they are intended to be. However, it does unfortunately happen whereby someone becomes too immersed in a particular game or particular type of game and this is often due to problems in the home life that the game provides an escape for. Unfortunately, it is not a healthy escape, as the fantasy world of the video game coupled with the relatively high level of control that most video games give the player results in a situation where someone becomes more psychologically dependent on the game simply because this life is better than the one he or she is leading.

In this case, it isn't hard to understand why he might be exhibiting signs of addiction to his Playstation. It may well be that in the time leading up to his increase in gaming he was already suffering from a form of depression, the games became the key to making him feel better and thus the psychological dependency has occurred, fuelled heavily by the difficult financial situation that has taken hold of your relationship and pushed him further into that void.

What you need to decide is whether you want a relationship with this man or not. You can kick him to the curb and have nothing more to do with him, but in doing so you run the risk of forcing him to play games to a serious level of personal detriment - both socially and in regards to his health. If you do want a relationship, then you need to get him into the doctors office, and you need to start looking at addiction-related psychotherapy. You also need to make sure you take none of his crap - none of the "just five minutes", none of the "I'll cut down", nothing like that - if he wants to get better, and you want him to get better, then you both need to display an element of strength and control. Make him see how destructive his behaviour is and be firm about it.

I would also like to mention that where you say that his gaming has got you in to debt, I do not think it would be appropriate or fair to blame this on him. People do not run up £12k debts on credit cards and catalogues if they're looking after their finances properly. While he may not have helped, he does not need to be blamed for something that is not wholly his fault as it will simply fuel any depression he may be experiencing along with the feelings of worthlessness that may well have contributed to his excessive gaming in the first place.

I have tried to help him. just before he left he said we could remove it from the house so i put it in my c ar boot that night to take away the next day.
shortly b efore 4am i woke as he was creeping down the stairs to get it from my car. he brought it in, I took it and begged him to be strong and promised him every help and support, i hid it.
He told me he wouldnt go to work until he played, then he told me he was tear the house apart to find it if i didnt give it to him:(
Thats why I gave him the umtimatium:(

All the debt is not down to him, we took on too much when times were good and he worked hard.

But I havent been able to make anything other than minimum payments for some time as Ive been carrying the home bills and the shopping for some time. Plus the shopping was for two and we had a very expensive sky package he wouldnt let me cut down but he couldnt afford.

CapQuest_Help

Raspberry_Ripples wrote: »

Lovely sermon, thank you

But OP did say that her OH is self employed and he spends more time playing than working.

No work = no money, therefore in order to pay for the bills etc, she has borrowed money. Please correct me if I am wrong OP.

Ive only been able to m ake mimium payments and he wouldnt let me cut back on things (hes been kidding himself) but he kind of left me scraping to pay for them.

Ilovecubbage

Tropez wrote: »

If he is an addict, then he needs help, not ultimatums.

Many men and women, of all ages, enjoy video games as the pass time they are intended to be. However, it does unfortunately happen whereby someone becomes too immersed in a particular game or particular type of game and this is often due to problems in the home life that the game provides an escape for. Unfortunately, it is not a healthy escape, as the fantasy world of the video game coupled with the relatively high level of control that most video games give the player results in a situation where someone becomes more psychologically dependent on the game simply because this life is better than the one he or she is leading.


Sooo, sooo true, unfortunately.

Tropez

Raspberry_Ripples wrote: »

Lovely sermon, thank you

But OP did say that her OH is self employed and he spends more time playing than working.

No work = no money, therefore in order to pay for the bills etc, she has borrowed money. Please correct me if I am wrong OP.

Of course, but debts owed to catalogues are rarely necessary purchases.

Mojisola

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

We have been rowing about this for nearly 2 years but its got much worse as time has gone on.

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

I have tried to help him. just before he left he said we could remove it from the house so i put it in my c ar boot that night to take away the next day.
shortly b efore 4am i woke as he was creeping down the stairs to get it from my car. he brought it in, I took it and begged him to be strong and promised him every help and support, i hid it.
He told me he wouldnt go to work until he played, then he told me he was tear the house apart to find it if i didnt give it to him:(
Thats why I gave him the umtimatium:(

If you've given two years of your life to this struggle and he still behaves likes that, I think you've got to step back from him for your own sake.

Addicts do need help but until he recognises the extent of his addition, he can't be helped.

Jinx

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

When ive got my car paid off I will be able to increase my payments.

I just wanted to say I did this too, so it can be done. Paid off my overdraft first then did my own DMP for the rest. I just want to reassure you that you can do it how you like and you can change your payments along the way to suit current circumstances.

Having read the comments of others I just wanted to say, although your hubby appears to be addicted and you may want to give him another chance; he doesnt have to be with you while he sorts himself out does he? Surely your welfare and that of your pregnant daughter are just as important?

Tropez

CapQuest_Help wrote: »

I have tried to help him. just before he left he said we could remove it from the house so i put it in my c ar boot that night to take away the next day.
shortly b efore 4am i woke as he was creeping down the stairs to get it from my car. he brought it in, I took it and begged him to be strong and promised him every help and support, i hid it.
He told me he wouldnt go to work until he played, then he told me he was tear the house apart to find it if i didnt give it to him:(
Thats why I gave him the umtimatium:(

All the debt is not down to him, we took on too much when times were good and he worked hard.

But I havent been able to make anything other than minimum payments for some time as Ive been carrying the home bills and the shopping for some time. Plus the shopping was for two and we had a very expensive sky package he wouldnt let me cut down but he couldnt afford.

But you could hide it somewhere he would never have found it, then just let him tear the house apart. With many addicts, they need to realise when they hit rock bottom before they are open to help and seeing the consequences of their actions is one way in which to assist them in seeing that they have hit rock bottom. Ultimately, it depends on whether you want to help him or not. Helping in these situations isn't just begging someone not to do anything, it is about taking control of the situation and calmly but forcefully explaining that the object of addiction has a powerful, destructive hold on the addict.

How was he preventing you from cancelling the Sky package? Was it in his name? If he was unable to pay for it then did you choose to pay for it? Sky won't let you run up huge debts with them - you miss one month's payment and your service is suspended until the payment has been made. If he couldn't afford it then surely this occured?