Step Fathers..........

pinkclouds

fifi_browne wrote: »

hb jealous of close relationship I have with son and he continually belittles him, makes horrible snide comments, and on the whole is quite vile.

If you really want to know my opinion: I'd divorce him. In fact, I wouldn't have married him in the first place. My kids are always first, before anyone else.

As harsh as it sounds, I'd also say that if you continue to stand by this "vile" man then you will lose the "close relationship" you have with your child. Your precious son trusts you to care for him and promote his well-being and you are allowing this man to crush his sense of worth. However, I am sure you are already aware of this. I'd guess you posted knowing that people would urge you to divorce.

vodkafrog

With regards to offering some advice, it would appear that one thing you cant really do is nothing. As many others have highlighted the effects of a young person being under such a high level emotional distress and critisism can have long term implications for their Mental Health. I do not want to alarm you, however my work in this field results in me seeing the effects of people who do nothing. Some times with heart breaking irrevicable outcomes.
If you feel the relationship is viable, you could consider talking to you GP with regards possibly accessing family therapy, this could help identify why you husband targets your son. Possibly likley to be some events in his own life. However in the mean time you must act to reduce the exposure your son has to this high level of emotional abuse. Good Luck.

Rich_by_Name_2

vodkafrog wrote: »

With regards to offering some advice, it would appear that one thing you cant really do is nothing.

Best single sentence on here.

Errata

I can only read what the OP has written. It seems to me that the OP would rather protect her mortgage than protect her son and her options are to accept that is the person she is, or change.

RufusForever

If your partner's been out of work for a while and you're out at work some of the time, are there times your son is at home just with your partner? If you see how nasty he is in front of you, how much nastier he could be if you're not there.
For the people who accuse some posts of being judgemental, I can only reply to what the OP has said.
OP look at your first post, you say what he's like to your son and then say "- other than that - he's not a bad person" - are you being serious?
You're an adult, as is your partner, you can deal with whatever you have to with regards to your relationship/house/mortgage - do what you should do as the only person your son has to look out for him, get him out of that situation.

churchrat

Are you a good mother? if so, put your child first. Always.

Fang_3

OP you should be ashamed of yourself. You're failing to protect your child from an abuser. Continue to not protect him and you become worse than that abuser. You don't have a decision to make - any decent parent wouldn't even consider it.

smartpicture

It's always easy to tell someone else to leave their husband and home, it's not always easy to face up to and put into action when it's your husband and home. Just look at all the women who tell wives who've been cheated on to leave without a second's thought, but it's a different story when it happens to them.

I agree that if it doesn't stop then divorce is the best option, but I don't think it's helpful to make statements like 'divorce him of course' as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do.

Some assertiveness training would certainly be a good start - maybe for your son as well as yourself. Then try and have a calm talk with your husband saying that it's unacceptable and you can't accept it any more. Then every single time you see it happening, say out loud, that is not an acceptable way to speak to X, please stop. If he carries on, don't argue, walk out of the room with your son. The important thing is that even if it doesn't work and he carries on, you are sending a clear message to both your husband and son that this is unacceptable and he is in the wrong. That alone will be invaluable to your son, even if it doesn't work.

Then speak to CAB or a solicitor or friends who've gone through divorce, and start making a plan for how you could leave, start saving up money for a deposit on a flat. Now this is important - I'm not saying you have to leave, and taking these steps doesn't mean you have to leave - but taking these steps will give you confidence to know that you could leave if things don't improve, and you have a plan in place, and that will give you strength in dealing with your husband.

RufusForever

As much as I am sickened by anyone allowing this to happen to their son, I am completely baffled by anyone who says she should leave things as they are and now start trying to talk to her partner to sort it out - if I've read it correctly the OP said they have spoken about it.
In all honesty, how many of you would leave your child in this state? Maybe it's not so bad, I mean he's only got an intermittent tic and a stutter, could be worse, right.
The OP also is not trapped here, or that doesn't seem to be the case, she mentions friends and working so has an income, so appears to have the means to change the situation.

Judith_W

My dad remarried after my mum died when I was 13 (not the same I know). Step-mum (SM) was terrible to me and often acted like a petulant child. I stayed til I had finished my A-levels and chose a uni far away, eventually settling far away too. It really affected the relationship I had with my dad as i felt he sided with my SM over everything. He was a big believer of 'joint parenting' but did it even when SM was in the wrong. Things are much better now (in 20s) but only because I have forgiven their behaviour and only see them from time to time.

I wouldn't say walk straight away as that will also affect your son, but perhaps spend a week really noticing all your HB's behaviour and have a serious chat about how its not acceptable. If it doesn't improve your son should come first