Step Fathers..........

sashadesade

Well it's already clear your son's sufferng because of this (the tics/stuttering), so what's it going to take before you get rid of your husband (who is a vile bully, by the way)? Are you waiting for your son to have a breakdown, maybe attempt suicide? What'll make you realise how damaging this is for him?? If I were him I'd be moving out as soon as possible and you'd never see me again, because I'd take your failure to stand up for me to mean you don't really care.

Gigglepig

This situation is not good so things need to change change... there are several ways it could change, and it is up to you to find the best solution for you :-) For example:

- If you want to stay, see a family therapist - perhaps you and HB first and then include the kids
- divorce
- If you do not feel that divorce is right for you at least in the short term, try to get him away from HB as much as you can - for example visit family on weekends and just bring the kids, or perhaps your HB needs a loooong holiday abroad on his own this summer.
- find a different living arrangement for your son (granny flat in your house, boarding school?) that he would be happy with - but please put your son's needs first and make sure you do what is right for him, not just most convenient for you. If you send him away he may feel abandoned and rightly so if you pick you HB above your son. So this may not be a good idea.

My suggestion would be to try serious counselling right away, and in parallel make arrangements so you can divorce if necessary, also make plans for the next 6 months and over summer which reduce the time your son and HB needs to spend with each other so you can look after your son's needs in the short term (summer camps, holidays, take the kids on weekend visits to relatives) - and if you do not see a significant improvement over the next 6 months despite giving family counselling your best shot, divorce.

pukkamum

My step-father was exactly the same way with me and i can honestly say he ruined my childhood.
I also have a lot of anger towards my mother for allowing him to treat me that way, i could not see how she could possibly stand by and let him mentally abuse me day after day because it is mental abuse.
I have since many years later realised that his treatment towards me was a way of 'punishing' my mum he basically used me to cause distress to my mum.
At the age of 7 i heard the only man i had known as a father tell my mum he was leaving her because he could not stand living with me.
Unfortunately she begged him to stay and they stayed together til i was 15.
I think the most tragic thing for me was that i adored him and all i ever wanted was for him to love like he did my little sister.
I would go to bed at night and cry myself to sleep thinking i must be an awful person for someone to hate me so much.
He died four years ago and i was absolutely devastated, like an abused dog i still loved and adored him.
I felt such anger with myself over never confronting him about his treatment of me and it wasn't until i had a dream where he was still alive and i asked him if he had ever loved me and he laughed and said of course NOT that i finally felt free and able to move on.

For the sake of your sons future self esteem, confidence and self worth (all of which were stolen from me) leave this man now before something terrible happens as i personally felt close to suicide at times.

zagubov

Do you realise your son's at a point where he needs his confidence and your support to prepare himself for life? At 16 he''s probably got exams to do, got decisions about his education and future, has to choose "A" levels or Highers or whatever. All this could be scuppered by the poisonous atmosphere at home.

This is a critical time and if you don't help him make proper decisions now it'll take ages and a fortune to get his life back on track. Stand up for the guy, this is your big chance to launch him properly into his future life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

fifi_browne wrote: »

Even though we have a HUGE mortgage? and probably little equity???????? It sounds frightening!

Is it really worth losing your son's love for?

pukkamum

fifi_browne wrote: »

Even though we have a HUGE mortgage? and probably little equity???????? It sounds frightening!

This was one of the excuses my mum uses for why she didn't leave him and it made not a jot of difference to me all it told me was that the house and money were more important to her than my wellbeing.
Can i ask if you love this man?

heretolearn_2

Please do something. Your poor boy has lived with this for three years. How much longer?

Stepparents and kids don't always hit it off. They certainly don't always develop a loving/parental relationship. And I don't think that matters - as long as they can behave decently towards each other. My OH and my son don't connect at all, they don't understand each other, and there's been a bit of friction now and then, but they've always been polite and nice to each other, treat each other with respect, and that's good enough. They can act like 'friends of a friend'. that'll do. Your man has proved that he is incapable of behaving in any way like a normal decent person to your child. He didn't have to love your child. But he's chosen to abuse your child. For 3 years. And so far, you've chosen to stick your head in the sand about that, thank goodness you've now realised it can't continue. You have to act. sod the mortgage. You only have one chance with your son - you are going to lose him because you've badly let him down. I hope you'll only lose him through his leaving, and not because he develops a mental illness or commits suicide. Teenagers are very vulnerable.If you try hard you might still be able to work it out.

jackieglasgow

inspirespirit wrote: »

You can always find another husband. You cannot ever replace your son. .

Did you see this, OP?

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Ok, this is what I am thinking, the original poster is also being abused by this baaahstard, and is too ill and weakened by it to face leaving

I too wonder if this is the case.

SkintGypsy

Growing up I always knew my Mum would always put us first, even above my Dad. She told me that once, although I can't remember why. I believe she would have done anything to protect us if she had ever needed to. Financial security is important, but your son's emotional well-being is far far more important. If he gets damaged in this way, he might never be the man he was supposed to be. Personally, I would go ape-!!!!!! on his !!!. No-one messes with my babies.

LadyMorticia

I feel for your poor son.

It's really hard being 16 as it is, let alone being treated that way by your mum's OH.

Saying "Well he doesn't like me either" is a bit of an immature response.

I agree your son has to come first. Partners will come and go but no man should ever risk destroying a mothers relationship with her kids.

Either he bucks up his ideas or I'd have my bags at the door.