Step Fathers..........

Silver_123

Thank you very much. I feel I have been holding everything together for some time, OH was made redundant in June last year so we have only had my income plus child tax credits, it has been very hard. We had an insurance for our mortgage thankfully - however he starts a new job next week. It has been a difficult year, but I have quite a well paid part time job and we have been trying to keep our head above water.

shelley_crow

He must be absolutely terrified of your husband if a child his age has developed a noticeable tic and stammer.

It's a no brainer to be honest, I'd rather go bankrupt than stay with someone who is mentally abusive to a child.

Lara44

I agree with many of the other posters that your husband's behaviour is not on. Have you re-read your initial post? It is pretty damning. It is particularly worrying that your son has a tic and stutter, did these develop due to the way your husband has been treating your son?

I don't think I could have married someone if they weren't able to love my kids. Basically because kindness is what I look for in a partner first. In your position now, I think I would leave whatever the financial consequences. However if you don't want to do that I would strongly suggest family therapy. These sound like they are your husband's issues and he needs to get help to understand why he has been bullying, and to stop it, and finally to see if it is even possible to build bridges between your husband and son. There will also be a lot of work for your son to do to build up his confidence again if he is to blossom into an adult who can live his life to the full. As the poster above suggests he may be disappointed in you, and there may be a lot of work that needs doing to renew the relationship between the two of you.

If the way your husband acts is as bad as your initial post suggests, isn't your life being made a bit miserable by all this? It must be hard to see your son belittled and to constantly see the worst side of your husband. Isn't it also ruining your relationship with your husband? If so, you really owe it to both parties to call time on this behaviour. But an ultimatum won't do as it simply brushes the real issues under the carpet. It sounds like you will need help to address the root causes of why this happened, and a lot of time and willingness to get past the hurt that this has caused on all sides.

thebaileys

Get rid of him, sharpish, before he destroys your poor son's life!

He is a bully, who has already done some damage (tics and stutter)

You should always put your children first, and it takes a long time to recover when you have suffered from abuse, he is 16 and a child, he might just be able to recover from this.

inspirespirit

You can always find another husband. You cannot ever replace your son. You have to leave.
I was in exactly the same position and it took me a while to go, but I did. You have to forget the house, the equity etc. Save up enough for a deposit on a flat and you and your son get out. you will get help if you only work part-time. Help with your rent, working tax credits etc. You will feel empowered and liberated.
We are happier now than we have ever been.

sock-knitter

i have twin sons your sons age, i would put my kids before any man, i would not allow any man to treat my kids like your hb has treat your son.
protect your son, he needs you, hb can sort himself out

Missus_Aka

Get rid.....i am 23 i have a son who is 3 and have been with dh since i was 17...people tell me i am young and that i may meet someone else, this will never happen i will never have another man in my sons life (not saying there are not some great stepdads there are) because i what i went through when i was young.
My mum married when i was 11, before they got married he was nice to me, after he had the ring on her finger things were different, at 12 i would do all the dishes if there was the slightest mark i would do the lot all over again, if i did something wrong (small) i would get lectured for about 3 hours a time, he would not ask me how my day was and was spoken to only if he wanted something or if he wanted to have a go (my mum admitted to me that he never cared about me when i was 15), i caught him on websites that he shouldnt have been on and he turned it around that i had been grounded 2 weeks before for being 10mins late home and i was just trying to make trouble (this happened twice) i never had any birthday parties from 11-18 but my sister who is his has about £1000 spent on her every year (im not spoilt and i care the least amount about money but this just served to show me how differently i was treated, like i was a lodger) i was sent to a shrink when i was 14 because the school was worried ( i had gone through bulimia, self harm etc.) i did this because i felt like i did something wrong for him not to like/love me (even now i have to have everything perfect house, clothes, etc. so i know im not doing anything wrong, dh says i dont need to do this to make him love me but i cant help it) , when i was 14 we were arguing and instead of kicking him out as he was def in the wrong she packed a suitcase and sent me to live at my grans indefinitely while i was there i had appendecitis and had to have an op to take it out, he called his work and said my daughter is in hospital can i take couple days off, he never came to see me and didnt even phone my mum to check i was ok after the op, i had septecimia and could have died),he is disrespectful nasty and catty to all my mums family, when i had psd after i had my ds i had stayed at my mums for a week we had a small disagreement and he kicked me out middle of the night with my ds when i was begging to stay and crying my eyes out, the worst thing was that my mum just stood there....and did nothing, thats all she has ever done stood by and let it all happen, i love my mum but we will never have that relationship again, do you want your son to be me in a few years....disappointed with you for letting this happen. Just because he doesnt beat your son doesnt mean he is not doing damage whether you see it or not....the rest of my family have seen the damage this man caused me and none of them will speak to him as a result my mum doesnt speak to them, he has also since i have moved out done other things (to my mum) that i feel are unacceptable though i will not mention these, he is at the moment trying to make an effort with my mum, i no longer have any interest other than my mum being happy and my sister. There are other ways to neglect children then just not bathing them, feeding them depriving them of love and nurture can be just as damaging and hurtful, even when i write this my eyes well up as i hardly ever speak about it.
I dont say this to hurt you just to give you an insight of what your child may feel, i admit my flaws i am NOT perfect, but i was a good loving child by most standards who was very very happy with my mums family before he came along (even though we were poor and hardly had anything my childhood was blissfull) my mums husband to outsiders has a good job (earns loads) a nice house, dresses smart, charming to those he perceives that are at his level or higher (intellectually, financially wise) if this man really loved you he would have accepted his responsibilities to BOTH your children

Im sorry for the long post but this is just some things to illustrate how things were, i hope you find the strength you need

EastMidsGal

Wow, it is so interesting to read the replies to the OP. I agree your son has to come absolutely first, but it amuses me how I posted a few months ago about maintenance for my unborn child now I am no longer with the father. I explained that he had become abusive towards my daughter and I and I was accused of making it up, being financially motivated and told to stop breeding! I only asked about maintenance as I want to be able to provide for my child and not see him go without just because I am no longer with his father. Why should he suffer just because his father is a bully who is now shirking all responsibility?

The reason my ex is now my ex is because of the way he started to systematically bully me and then he turned his attention on to my daughter, putting her down at every opportunity to her face and in front of me. A few days after he first began starting on my daughter he spent an entire DAY doing nothing but sniping at her with me sticking up for her and him in turn getting angry with me. In the evening it escalated and nearly became violent between him and my daughter and I showed him the door immediately, there are NO second chances as far as my nine year old is concerned. He too was absolutely lovely when we first got together and I had known him a while beforehand as a friend, but as soon as I became pregnant, he was the one who raised the subject, and he thought I was then tied to him he very quickly changed. I asked him to leave immediately and as usual none of it was his fault, it was because I had been winding him up, and my daughter had been winding him up, honestly I swear she'd done nothing, he'd start on her and accuse her of winding him up even if she was just having a conversation with me. He decided to ignore me once as I was 'winding him up' just because I asked him if he wanted dinner!! it became like I could only speak when spoken to, but I am a grown up and in a position to defend myself my daughter is an innocent and needs my protection. This bullying went on for a week before it escalated into near violence and I told him things were over unless he changed rapidly.

I finally got him to leave that night but when I spoke to him the following day all his hatred and resentment towards me and my daughter came flooding out and the things he said are too disgusting to repeat and though I already knew I had done the right thing it just confirmed it.

I know I have gone on a ramble here but I was rather incredulous reading through the thread, I don't think people have been harsh with you, they rightly expect your child to come first in all of this. What amuses me greatly though is the difference in responses, you've received sound advice. I wonder where I went wrong...

Missus_Aka

eastmidsgirl just read your thread am im sorry that people are so judgemental and downright nasty about people they dont know, hope things are ok with your situation

Blackpool_Saver

Ok, this is what I am thinking, the original poster is also being abused by this baaahstard, and is too ill and weakened by it to face leaving, this is what happens in abusive households, trust me I know.

I would advise that you see someone from women's aid, they will help you to plan an escape route.