Why do I let him do this to me :(

pinkmoo

My hubby and I decided a few years ago we didn't want children. I'm not very maternal and the idea of birth....:eek: and as we're a bit in debt and don't expect to be out of debt until i'm 30 (4 years away) we can't afford a child.

My dad constantly goes on and on and on about how i'm depriving him of a grandchild (i'm an only child despite the face he wanted at least 5!) I've always put up with it but since we got married it's got worse.

I get a grilling every month to ask when i'm even going to "bother" trying. And that i'm no daughter of his, denying him the one thing in life he wants!! He annoy's the crap out of me, but I let it wash off, however now he's decided to make my mum feel bad. Saying she made me like this as she didn't want kids, and she should give up work so that she can babysit for me to reduce costs for me!!!??

So now she's feeling like rubbish and I feel like rubbish.

All of my friends just laugh at me and say "give it a couple of years" the older ladies I work with constantly make remarks about how "wierd" I am for not wanting children :rotfl:

It's making me feel like I must be a complete freak of nature, and although I can make light of it, it's starting to get to me more and more. I know there are others who don't want children, or decide not to have them fore financial reasons, but it's putting doubt into my head.... what if it does make me a freak, what if hubby only agrees not to have kids because I don't want them:(

Ahhh, my heads all over the place with it all.... am I a freak?

Pink

jinky67

No you are not a freak, and your Dad should not be putting such stupid pressure on you

Having said that, you are still young and things CAN change....but if they dont its no-ones business but yours and your OH's

sjc3

You dont sound like a freak to me. Just very sensible and grounded and know what you do and dont want in life. People do have wierd issues with adults who choose not to have kids. I think in the main it is a funny kind of jealousy. People told me for years how odd I was because I didn't have or at that time want children. Next minute they would be saying how envious they were of my spontanious lifestyle. You cant have both.

What is wrong with your dad that the only way his life can be complete is by you giving him a grandchild. You dont have kids just to expect them to give you grandchildren later on. If he is not happy with how his life has turned out thats down to him and his relationship with your mum. Not for you to make up for.

I told my family straight to stop commenting on me having kids. I wouldn't dream on commenting on someones choices re children. For all I know maybe someone cant have children rather than choosing not to have them. Its a very personal decision, you handle things your way

somethingsgottogive

You're not alone, and you are NOT a freak! Have a look at these threads from a little while ago

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2977000

and https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2763554

Tell your dad to back off - you wouldn't take it from a friend, why should you take that carp from him?

(There's also this one about people not wanting children because they don't even LIKE children
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2959070)

pinkmoo

Phew! I knew it couldn't just be me!!:p

I think it's because he's got my mum feeling rubbish and i'm mad at him for that.

I will just have to keep telling him that he's wasting his breath and try and ignore it some more!:D

There are some good threads here actually, it's not often I feel normal but right now I do!!!

Pink

sashadesade

You're not a freak, but your dad's being a selfish !!!!. I'm about the same age as you, married and also don't want kids. Some people think this is weird, but thankfully my parents realise that it's my decision and don't hassle me about it. If they did I'm afraid I'd just have to tell them NO, you don't get to live vicariously through me. I'm my own person and I decide what's right for me, I'm not having a kid just to please you!
That would hardly be fair on a kid anyway, would it? Being born to parents that don't really want it just to pacify someone else!

stelly

It's not just people who have no kids that get harassed.

I had DS when I was 20 and knew pretty much straight after that I didn't want anymore.

Friends used to ask when I was having another and were always so "shocked" when I said never.

But my MIL was a total pain. It was always "your still young you might change your mind" and "I really want a granddaughter". My OH had to say something though when she kept asking DS "wouldn't you really like to have a brother or sister".

It never really stopped until SIL had kids.

Some people seem to think you don't know your own mind. My DS will be 10 this year and I still know I made the right choice not to have any more.

And that's what it is - your choice.

Your the one who will have to look after and provide for it, not him.

digitalphase

No, of course you're not weird. It is entirely up to you and your hubby whether you want kids or not, and your dad is being very unfair and selfish.

I didn't want kids myself until I met my OH, then something just clicked and I realised I really wanted one. I am now expecting our first.

celyn90

I'm sorry but his behaviour is just ridiculous. If he carries on like that, he'll lose a daughter as well. And as for telling your mother she should give up work so she can look after any potential off-spring; that's just beyond unreasonable.

You are not a freak, not at all - this problem is in his head. At this point in your life you have made the decision as a couple not to start a family; it might change in the future, it might not - but if it does or doesn't that is up to the both of you to decide, not be pressured into it reproducing by somebody else. If your OH wanted kids, he'd tell you, so don't let things like that put any doubt in your mind. You sound like you both know what you want.

Things like this make my blood boil. I also don't have a maternal streak and I have no wish to give up work. I don't get any flack from my parents, but I do get it from OH's (his sister can't have kids, his brother probably won't). And they have been told - quite forcibly - that it is none of their business and treating me like a potential brood mare for the passage of their nut-job genetic material will get them nowhere - and if anything (sad, cold, heartless and harsh though it may sound) it will make me far less inclined to involve them if we do decide some time in the future to have children.

It's up to you how you handle this, but if it is starting to upset you, I think you need to tell him. I get the impression you have been gentle with him so he doesn't know where the boundaries of acceptable are any more. If he really wants to be involved with young people and children and has something to offer youngsters - there are a lot of charities out there that would bite his hand off for help.

cel x

McKneff

My daughter and her partner dont want children and that's fine. Its their business.

I have four other grandchildren from my son, I would love one from her but thats life.

Tell your father straight you have decided that you dont want any children so he is wasting his breath.

Another thing op, people only make you feel rubbish or anything else because you allow them to.
Dont allow them and good luck.

You may change your mind later on, you may not, either is fine, like i say, its your business.

pinkshoes

I wasn't really wanting kids, then discovered I was pregnant aged 30, and now have a 4 month old, who is adorable (although SO much hard work!).

Your dad is being an ejit! I would almost contemplate lying to him, and tell him you CAN'T have children, so will he please SHUT UP. If you do decide that you want children one day, and conceive, then just explain it as an "act of god" or "fate".