Step Families

Buddingblonde

The CP was last year and in the weeks before it happened she went to school every day so the case was dismissed.
The meeting we had 2 weeks ago said that attendence was plummeting and that OH was to contact every morning to get SD up (either by phone or going to the house). She is always up and both her and gran are saying that she is going to school. However school are now feeding back to us every week and she hasnt been going.
She would go if she was made to but Gran has no intention of making her go as she is an alcoholic who stays in all day and drinks and smokes. It was mentioned at the meeting that gran was using the house as an open house and lots of friends of SD were bunking off and staying there all day.

gizmo111

Buddingblonde wrote: »

The CP was last year and in the weeks before it happened she went to school every day so the case was dismissed.
The meeting we had 2 weeks ago said that attendence was plummeting and that OH was to contact every morning to get SD up (either by phone or going to the house). She is always up and both her and gran are saying that she is going to school. However school are now feeding back to us every week and she hasnt been going.
She would go if she was made to but Gran has no intention of making her go as she is an alcoholic who stays in all day and drinks and smokes. It was mentioned at the meeting that gran was using the house as an open house and lots of friends of SD were bunking off and staying there all day.

The only option is to issue court proceedings (i'm not sure how that works in Scotland) and move her to fostercare - wil lthat work do you think?

Buddingblonde

I think we would take her before that but as SW arent concerned about moving her from her grans care I feel the court would back SD right to choose where she lives. I will try and find out what is involved with court proceeding though - thanks for bringing that up.

sjc3

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Gran is buying SD cigarettes and at the SW meeting SD confessed she is smoking 20-30 a day. SW not concerned about this but I am furious. They would be more concerned if it was drink but in my eyes this is child abuse.

Good grief, what planet is the social worker on that she isn't concerned about this. I suspect she is on some kind of substance herself as she doesn't seem to be able to see the wood for the trees. This kid is being badly let down.

How come granny isn't facing prosecution for not making a young child attend school. She has responsibility for her and isn't taking care of this poor kid properly, no wonder she is going off the rails.

Buddingblonde

Thanks for that - I have no idea why the grandmother isnt being prosecuted or having SD removed from her care. SW has become so namby pamby that they will only remove a child if there is physical abuse (which in my mind smoking is) or sexual abuse.
I am so tired with all of this and even OH who is normally so laid back he is horizontal has started to get more involved - contacting the school and sw without constant nagging from me and also challenging Gran and SD about lies and stories they are telling.

sjc3

Dont know how you would both feel about this but cant you and OH go through the courts and get this kid transferred to you. I know she will be one heck of a handfull. She is still young enough though to turn things round and make a success of her life. Staying where she is will be terribly destructive to her health and her future opportunities. It is dreadfully sad. The way she is being dragged up by gran is abusive.

wannaberich81

Buddingblonde wrote: »

My OH has fallen out with me due to a coversation I had with his daughters Social Worker.
OH is living with a maternal family member and has done since her mother died. OH and the person have joint shared parental rights and the residency order is with the family member (as agreed by both families as step daughter has a sibling that isnt OHs so it was agreed that they would be kept together).
OH has never been a good father and when DD came to stay with us at weekends I would be the one to play with her, feed her, arrange activities for us etc etc. OH would stay in bed all day while we were up from 9 onwards doing things. As she got older she stopped coming to us as she didnt want to. Contact then dwindled as OH and DD didnt push each other for a relationship.
It turns out that for the last 2/3 years DD has not been attending school regularly. The family member that she lives with has had an addiction issue and has never had much control over the two children. They have run wild and done what they wanted.
Everyone is told different stories of why this has happened and no one has a clear understanding of the family situation. School are told one thing, OH and his family another, GP another until the school referred her to SW for non attendance.
The first SW was s**te and would not accept the situation - they didnt manage the case well and left off all details about me and OH. He then left and a new Sw took over the case. She was advised that DD had nothing to do with her paternal family (despit OH paying her monthly pocket money and maintainence and seeing her at least once a month. It was only by chance that the SW called when DD was out with her dad. She eventually found us (the family denied knowing where we were or how to contact us). The home situation has worsened considerably with DD sibling and her partner moving into the house, not working and growing and using drugs in the house. OH was made aware of this the other week and I asked him if he was going to inform the SW of this. He said he would.
The issue is that OH sees no problem with drug issue as he used to be a daily user of the substance himself. I however have serious concerns about the family situation. So I advised the SW that DD had mentioned substance use but that I didnt know the ins and outs of it all. I advised OH that I had seen the SW (as she works in the same small town as me and has been contacting me by email as she can never seem to get OH when she tried to get him - mostly cos her doesnt get back to her). OH went nuts and said that I shouldnt have told the sw about this. He asked why I had and I tod him it was because I knew he wouldnt mention it so SW would then be getting a selective truth from us as well as from DD other family. I was so angry - as was he - that he is more concerned about me telling the SW the thruth than the fact that DD is not going to school and is running wild (she is in her teens).
We have been together for nearly 9 years and the only issue that ever causes fall outs is his DD and his role and the issues that surrounding her upbringing.

Whaaaaaa - I could scream!!! (as I am sure you could if you have made it this far).

Insight and comments would be useful so I can get some prospective.

i think you have absolutely done the right thing

gizmo111

sjc3 wrote: »

Dont know how you would both feel about this but cant you and OH go through the courts and get this kid transferred to you. I know she will be one heck of a handfull. She is still young enough though to turn things round and make a success of her life. Staying where she is will be terribly destructive to her health and her future opportunities. It is dreadfully sad. The way she is being dragged up by gran is abusive.

The only way that will work is if she comes willingly - a her age she will run back to granny's if that is where she wants to be, no order from the court will change this, and forcing her will result in more broken relationships.

Buddingblonde

If I thought that the courts would force her to come here then I would push OH to move towards this. The problem is her age. Even the Senior SW said that if she was 15 and missing school like this that they would just paper over the cracks until she can leave as they cant make her do anything.
I personally think you can physically make a child go to school without having to resort to violence - but for that to happen she would need strict rules and boundaries 24/7 with rewards for good behaviour driving her to make the right decisions.

Buddingblonde

ARGHHHHH!
I am so angry with OH - I could seriously do him some harm!
Gran phoned earlier to say she is having to go into hospital and could SD come here - she will be in for a few days. I said that that wasnt a problem (I answered the phone) and that I would come round and pick up SD. Gran said she had rung 7 different people before ringing us but no one else would take her and her new pets (!!!!!!!!! OH has joint parental responsibility and she should be coming here).
OH was out when this happened but came in the min I got off the phone. He rang and SD was shouting and balling in the background saying there was no way she was coming to us and that she would make her own arrangements. So rather than OH saying sorry you have to come here so we can look after you he said ok thats fine.
This is a 14 yr old who drinks and smokes who will have full access to the house who has been bunking off and using the house as an open house for all her pals - the chances of her going anywhere is nil!
I am so tempted to drive by later and if she is in ring emergency SW but the fall out from that will be all out war!
Help - advice please x