Step Families

Buddingblonde

Please can someone give me some perspective here - I am thinking the worst here and have no idea what to do for the best. I feel ill just thinking about the situation.

Savvy_Sue

I'm going to be brutal ...

This is not your DD. This is your SD. There is absolutely nothing YOU can do (apart from the serious harm on your OH which you know wouldn't help).

You could phone the emergency SW, how could things be worse?

Chances are that if your SD refuses to come to stay with you, they wouldn't make her. They might find a foster family: she'll run away.

She is hurt, damaged, distressed. Sounds as if no-one has ever said 'no' to her, and put boundaries round her.

But sadly you're not going to be able to do that.

Is grandma in hospital now?

BTW if there are pets you could also contact the RSPCA, if you have concerns for them too. I know I would ...

Buddingblonde

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'm going to be brutal ...

This is not your DD. This is your SD. There is absolutely nothing YOU can do (apart from the serious harm on your OH which you know wouldn't help). Might help me!!

You could phone the emergency SW, how could things be worse?

OH went off his nut last time I contacted SW - we have a good relationship except for this damaged relationship with him and his daughter. This comes time and time again so close to being a deal breaker that after 9 years of this I dont knowwhat to do or where to go to change this.

Chances are that if your SD refuses to come to stay with you, they wouldn't make her. They might find a foster family: she'll run away.

She might but I think that if push came to shove she would go to her other grans rather than care or here. At least I hope she would apply a little common sense.

She is hurt, damaged, distressed. Sounds as if no-one has ever said 'no' to her, and put boundaries round her.

She has never heard no from anyone!


Is grandma in hospital now? Yes - will be for a few days.

BTW if there are pets you could also contact the RSPCA, if you have concerns for them too. I know I would ...

I would too - I am a massive animal lover but I know if she is in the house then they will be well looked after.

Thanks for taking the time to post - am hyper here - not good!

make_me_wise

Buddingblonde wrote: »

So rather than OH saying sorry you have to come here so we can look after you he said ok thats fine.
This is a 14 yr old who drinks and smokes who will have full access to the house who has been bunking off and using the house as an open house for all her pals - the chances of her going anywhere is nil!

Im not a parent myself, but the thought of a 14 year old who has drink issues and smokes being in a house on her own rings alarm bells with me. Is that even legal, I dont know at what age kids are allowed to be alone in a house day and night with no guardian/parent looking after them. That just seems way to young to me.

I dont know your OH so really dont wish to judge him. However if he wont force his child to be in his care whilst there is no-one else to look after her, then I think you should follow your gut feeling.

She cant be left to fend for herself, is she able to look after herself properly?

Savvy_Sue

Buddingblonde wrote: »

OH went off his nut last time I contacted SW - we have a good relationship except for this damaged relationship with him and his daughter. This comes time and time again so close to being a deal breaker that after 9 years of this I dont knowwhat to do or where to go to change this.

Look, if you haven't changed it in 9 years, it's hardly likely to happen now. Again, being brutally honest.

I don't know if your OH can 'mend' this relationship with his DD. I do know that you can't mend it for him. If that's a deal breaker, you should start packing.

Buddingblonde wrote: »

She might but I think that if push came to shove she would go to her other grans rather than care or here. At least I hope she would apply a little common sense.

teenagers are not noted for their common sense. Is her other gran prepared to have her?

A question: would she accept your OH moving into her gran's while gran's not there? Not that gran seems to be much help in any case, but is the issue not being 'at home'?

Buddingblonde

Other gran offered to have her but not her pets - we would have no problems having the animals as we have some of our own and often sit other peoples.
OH could stay there but given the reastion to the thought of any parental input is unwanted by SD.
I will go up today to SD and see if she is ok - probably take her other gran up and see if we can get something sorted. She is too young to be on her own but is very mature for her age as she controls the household due to grans alcohol issues and poor health so her would argue that she is fine to be there alone - it is the fact that she is a child who keeps very bad company who has no controls placed on her that worries me more. And if something happens to her Gran we will never hear about it - god only knows what would happen then.

I try to step back from all this - if OH isnt bothered then I shouldnt be bothered but it is so worrying that any child should be in this kind of environment.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Dear Lord - this man sounds bloody useless. If he is prepared to break up over you trying to ensure his own child is safe and loved, then he isn't a man worth wasting another 9 years on.

You can't help her - between your OH, her mother, grandmother and the rest of the family, she has been damaged so much she will not want to be cared for by you - and seeing as her own father doesn't really give a !!!! about her, I am not surprised.

It is sad, but it isn't your fault your OH and the rest of the family has let her down so badly - but I wouldn't spend another moment with someone like that, who needs to be pushed to do something for his child, that obviously has so little paternal instinct that he sees nothing wrong in smoking, spliffs, being left unsupervised, everything.

I would phone the SW, tell them that the grandmother isn't there and she is alone with drugs and beer, etc, and let them deal with it.

Whilst I packed my bags.

jackieglasgow

I'm afraid I tend to agree with Jojo Buddingblonde, your OH sounds rather f3ckless, and I would have reached the end of my tether long before now.I think its time you stopped worrying about the child and what you can do for her, because all you can do really is call her Social Worker, and start thinking about your relationship, and if you really want to be tied to such a man for the rest of your days.

Buddingblonde

Dear Lord - this man sounds bloody useless. If he is prepared to break up over you trying to ensure his own child is safe and loved, then he isn't a man worth wasting another 9 years on.

He isnt prepared to break up with me - it is me that is tempted to break up with him.

You can't help her - between your OH, her mother, grandmother and the rest of the family, she has been damaged so much she will not want to be cared for by you - and seeing as her own father doesn't really give a !!!! about her, I am not surprised.

I cant help the way that I feel about the situation - I wonder sometimes why I cant step back from this (probably because I am horrified that anyone would treat their own flesh and blood like this).

It is sad, but it isn't your fault your OH and the rest of the family has let her down so badly - but I wouldn't spend another moment with someone like that, who needs to be pushed to do something for his child, that obviously has so little paternal instinct that he sees nothing wrong in smoking, spliffs, being left unsupervised, everything.

It sounds so ridiculous doesnt it that anyone like that is worth being with - due to his own pretty horrific upbringing I am not suprised that the concept of parenting is completely lost on him. He is kind, generous, loving (not with his own blood family family but with his aunt and his step father and with my family and grandmother), intelligent, funny, hard working and so on (but by no means perfect - he can be lazy and stroppy when he wants). He has had substance issues in the past and had the strength of character to give it up himself without assistance. He has all the faculities and emotional intelligence for a light bulb moment re: his daughter but seems for whatever reason determined not to.

I would phone the SW, tell them that the grandmother isn't there and she is alone with drugs and beer, etc, and let them deal with it.

I drove by the house last night at the back of 11 - all the lights were out so she obviously wasnt home. I have no idea who she is staying with but spoke to her other gran who rang her on her mobile earlier and she is staying with a friend (although wouldnt say where). If I get one whiff of her being there alone then I will be ringing SW (I made that decision last night - cant have this on my concious if something happens.

Savvy_Sue

Buddingblonde wrote: »

He isnt prepared to break up with me - it is me that is tempted to break up with him.

I think the point JoJo was making was that in 9 years he's not 'stepped up' for his DD, despite your obvious encouragement - not all men get that from their partners, some are quite hostile to any suggestion that the man should give his children priority over them for any reason at all.

JoJo couldn't stay with a man like that. Not sure I could either. Like you, this girl's situation would worry me badly. But knowing that I couldn't do anything to help, I might break up with her Dad rather than continue to have his mess in my face, if that makes sense.

I know this sounds awfully defeatist. Sadly I fear this lass will need to sink a lot deeper and hit rock bottom before she even sees a need for change. All I'd be able to do was pray the help she will need was available when she asked for it.