Step Families

meritaten

I am really confused! lets see if I have this right.........your OH has a daughter who lives with her nan? she is a bit of a wild child but when you got together with OH you befriended her and now she has blanked you?

Dont blame her - from HER point of view her dad remarried and his missus was ever so friendly - but did you invite her to live with you? she gave you time but you let her down! I bet she was devastated! Dad had a new family and although you sucked up to her - you didnt want her! left her with her nan - not the same as being in a family is it?

as for you telling the social workers what you think they need to know and your OHs reaction - frankly he is being an arrrse!

jackieglasgow

I don't think that's an accurate assessment of the situation Meritaten.

Buddingblonde

meritaten wrote: »

I am really confused! lets see if I have this right.........your OH has a daughter who lives with her nan? she is a bit of a wild child but when you got together with OH you befriended her and now she has blanked you?

Dont blame her - from HER point of view her dad remarried
We are not married
and his missus was ever so friendly - but did you invite her to live with you?
She has her own room here and has always been told that she just has to say the word and she could live with us
she gave you time but you let her down!
How did I let her down? If anyone has let her down it is her father.
I bet she was devastated! Dad had a new family
we have no family
and although you sucked up to her - you didnt want her!
WHERE DID I SAY I DIDNT WANT HER?
left her with her nan - not the same as being in a family is it?
Her mothers dying wish is that her 2 children stay together - one of which isnt OH's. They were already living with their nan so OH agreed that her dying wishes should be honoured despite our concerns even then.
as for you telling the social workers what you think they need to know and your OHs reaction - frankly he is being an arrrse!

I appreciate you taking the time to reply but maybe you should read the posts properly before you make assumptions about me.

Buddingblonde

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I don't think that's an accurate assessment of the situation Meritaten.

Thanks Jackie - I dont know what I have written that allows for that interpretation!

meritaten

I am sorry if I mis interpretated the situation! your original post was a bit hard to read. but I still think that your step daughter may be seeing her own side of the situation. but, obviously I have got it all wrong and you are you are in the right so will bow out.

heretolearn_2

Sorry, I found the post a bit hard to follow, I misunderstood the grandma bit. Well, my comment still stands, but with her defending grandma rather than her mum.

I think you are doing all you can under the circumstances and your OH is being a twerp! But ultimately it is his daughter and you can't force him to be the type of father you think he should be. I hope you aren't planning on having kids with him; he isn't dad material, is he.

I understand your frustration as I have two stepsons and I've had to step back and think 'these are not my kids' as it was getting too upsetting for me. There have been things about their raising that I think are wrong and neglectful (nothing nearly as serious as in your situation, more things like their feet are in bad shape, wonky toes and corns, even as little kids, because their shoes and socks don't fit right, they spend most of their lives playing computer games, they sleep with bedroom main light on and are allowed to play hand-held computer games in bed till they fall asleep) but I've never got anywhere trying to discuss this with OH, so for the sake of harmony I've given up. Their kids, let them raise them as they want, even if it's not the same as I think it should be. I do feel a bit guilty sometimes as if I'm letting the boys down, but to push on these will not achieve anything and just cause trouble. Let's just say I've learned to pick my battles and keep to the REALLY important things.

I know these things don't in any way measure up to the problems your stepdaughter is facing but I think for your own sake you may need to make a decision here. Keep fighting for her and maybe risk your whole relationship, or make your points, then keep out of it.

euronorris

Buddingblonde wrote: »

I have in the past tried to build bridges with DD - we were friends on facebook and bebo and I would chat and keep her up to date with the kitten we had bought for her (that lives with us) and also I would text her to say hi etc. She however has defriended me on these things and is adament that she doesnt need another mum. If I thought that I could get her to engage I would. I have offered via OH to help her with the subjects she is struggling with at school as I have good passes in these subjects myself.

If her Mum's dead, she is probably terrified of getting close to someone in that way in case they 'leave' her again. That, plus her her grandmother doesn't exactly seem to have set a good example of what a loving guardian should be like. She most likely thinks you'll turn out the same, as I'm sure granny played all 'sweetness and light' at first.

You just have to keep trying, and not giving up. She's testing you.

Buddingblonde

Heretolearn, thanks for your insight into another step family situation - I have no other step family relationship to compair this to so it is good to have some feedback - the things that you mention are horrible to think (physical deformaties of their young growing feet) but as you say you have to learn to pick your battles. Over the years I have tried to do this but as her situation at home has gotten worse it becomes even harder for me to hold my tongue. I think I need to sit down and work out my own boundries within the situation to protect myself. I feel that I have battled for so long trying to get OH to become a better parent that maybe my pushing has made him even more resistant. We are 9 years together and I have no desire to breed with him (or anyone to be fair).
Euronorris - I think that you could have hit the nail of the head about testing boundries. This is a child who has never had boundries even when her mother was alive and has never had to face the consequences of her choices/decisions.
OH is now talking to me but we a SW meeting next week and I am seriously thinking about not going - I cannot be certain that I will be able to sit there and not pass comment - maybe that is the start of me building my own boundries.

heretolearn_2

'maybe my pushing has made him even more resistant.'

could be, I've had one big case of that, and his just not hearing what I was saying. One of them is nearly 11 and still wets the bed constantly. For years I've been saying 'take him to the doctor, there is a lot of help available, my son did the same thing and some tablets from the doctor cured it in one week flat'. I have tried for several years.

Last time I brought it up my OH flipped out, said 'do you think he is mental or something, needing to go to a psychiatrist?!'. !!!!!!? Said no, repeated the usual 'my son went, it's only the GP, it helped' story only for OH to say 'why didn't you tell me that before, I didn't know about that!'.

Sometimes you just have to distance yourself. You want to play more of a role but it's easier if you just think of them as a friend's kids - you are fond of them but how they are raised is nothing to do with you (other than obviously not being actually abused!)

I also think that everyone is very protective of their kids, even your OH, and any suggestion that they aren't ok is seen as a criticism of both the child and the OH, and they just want to deny it. Unless you are very tactful (and I'm not) it's hard to get very far.

Buddingblonde

Im not known for my tact - I tend to speak as I find - I am finding this a very refreshing insight into the dynamics of other step families - I think I find it harder as I dont have any children and this is thrown in my face when the sh*t hits the fan and I offer any sort of solution to this horrible situation. No matter what I say on the matter I am wrong.
Where we go from here depends on me - OH isnt going to change so all I can change is how I react to the situation.
I am still in two minds whether to go to this case conference on Monday - I think there needs to be a united front but without me trying to get involved from behind.