Step Families

Buddingblonde

My OH has fallen out with me due to a coversation I had with his daughters Social Worker.
OH is living with a maternal family member and has done since her mother died. OH and the person have joint shared parental rights and the residency order is with the family member (as agreed by both families as step daughter has a sibling that isnt OHs so it was agreed that they would be kept together).
OH has never been a good father and when DD came to stay with us at weekends I would be the one to play with her, feed her, arrange activities for us etc etc. OH would stay in bed all day while we were up from 9 onwards doing things. As she got older she stopped coming to us as she didnt want to. Contact then dwindled as OH and DD didnt push each other for a relationship.
It turns out that for the last 2/3 years DD has not been attending school regularly. The family member that she lives with has had an addiction issue and has never had much control over the two children. They have run wild and done what they wanted.
Everyone is told different stories of why this has happened and no one has a clear understanding of the family situation. School are told one thing, OH and his family another, GP another until the school referred her to SW for non attendance.
The first SW was s**te and would not accept the situation - they didnt manage the case well and left off all details about me and OH. He then left and a new Sw took over the case. She was advised that DD had nothing to do with her paternal family (despit OH paying her monthly pocket money and maintainence and seeing her at least once a month. It was only by chance that the SW called when DD was out with her dad. She eventually found us (the family denied knowing where we were or how to contact us). The home situation has worsened considerably with DD sibling and her partner moving into the house, not working and growing and using drugs in the house. OH was made aware of this the other week and I asked him if he was going to inform the SW of this. He said he would.
The issue is that OH sees no problem with drug issue as he used to be a daily user of the substance himself. I however have serious concerns about the family situation. So I advised the SW that DD had mentioned substance use but that I didnt know the ins and outs of it all. I advised OH that I had seen the SW (as she works in the same small town as me and has been contacting me by email as she can never seem to get OH when she tried to get him - mostly cos her doesnt get back to her). OH went nuts and said that I shouldnt have told the sw about this. He asked why I had and I tod him it was because I knew he wouldnt mention it so SW would then be getting a selective truth from us as well as from DD other family. I was so angry - as was he - that he is more concerned about me telling the SW the thruth than the fact that DD is not going to school and is running wild (she is in her teens).
We have been together for nearly 9 years and the only issue that ever causes fall outs is his DD and his role and the issues that surrounding her upbringing.

Whaaaaaa - I could scream!!! (as I am sure you could if you have made it this far).

Insight and comments would be useful so I can get some prospective.

GobbledyGook

A lot of people will probably say it's not your place, but personally I'd have done the same thing.

Does your OH want your step-daughter to live with you? Could it be that he's worried that if the situation worsens then your step-daughter would have to come and live with you and he's worried about the responsibility?

balletshoes

Having a sibling myself who is dealing with parental responsibility issues right now - you did the right thing. I think adults who are directly involved can sometimes lose sight that its whats best for the child thats the important thing - and that means the SW and court system getting the full story and facts from everyone involved.

Buddingblonde

I think that OH has been a poor father this far and that he would be happier without her living with us - he however would never admit this.
We have a case conference coming up and I think OH is worried that she could be "dumped" on us. However it would take a lot worse that this for her to be removed from her current home.
OH has always encouraged me to be part of the SW issue - he has asked me to contact SW or get details or attend appointments when they are held.

RazWaz

As a child who grew up in a house where there was heavy drug use, you did the right thing.

Buddingblonde

balletshoes wrote: »

Having a sibling myself who is dealing with parental responsibility issues right now - you did the right thing. I think adults who are directly involved can sometimes lose sight that its whats best for the child thats the important thing - and that means the SW and court system getting the full story and facts from everyone involved.

The SW says that she never gets the same story twice from DD and her maternal family. They lie, cheat (the maintenence is paid cash in hand so it doesnt affect benefits) and steal (DD has stolen money on previous occasions from OH's parents home).

mrs_marty

I agree, at the end of the day you dont want the teen straying into that lifestyle, if it was my step daughter I would do the same in a flash. It sounds a horrible situation and you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Would your other half consider having his daughter come live with you?

Buddingblonde

He says he would but seeing as the lack of effort he makes with her and has always made with her I dont think he would want her here.

Buddingblonde

Can I just thank you to all who have responded - I was starting to think that I had done something seriously wrong!

RAS

Buddingblonde wrote: »

the maintenence is paid cash in hand so it doesnt affect benefits

Mad. It does not even affect benefits now!

Rikki

If you OH is paid cash in hand you have no formal record. This can cause problems if the CSA get involved as you cannot prove what you have paid. Child maintenance no longer affects benefits.

You have put his daughter first, I would have too.