Getting back together

Messrs_Arthur_and_Terry

ssedd wrote: »

Just wondered if anyone had ever successfully managed to get back with a partner after finding out they had been cheating?

I bet you want to knock the snot out of something. The perimeter fence has been breached by a fox and you aren't sure it won't be breached again, or worse you will be emotionally trapped if you return to it's confines.

Those post apocalyptic couples I do know, who have stayed together, change. They become oddly polite to each other, like they are forever walking on egg shells. It's almost like they have a permanent detour sign directing some emotions away from the loyalty receptors in their brain.

I shouldn't say this, but male infidelity does not seem to hold the same disdain that female infidelity does. I'm sure there is a whole lot of markers in our base emotions that suggests males playing up reinforces a stereotype that we are all just dogs, whereas females playing up rips and corrupts our moral fabric as a society.

I would hazzard a guess it takes a particularly strong male character to accept the situation and embrace the love of his life for the good she has provided in the past and the good she will provide in the future. It's a shame we don't have a spot in our skulls where we can trash humiliation, betrayal, vengeance, etc.

We are all just boys and girls at heart, doing stupid things along the way that prove it so.

Kimberley82

I was the partner that cheated.

We have now work through it, it has been very hard work for both of us but has been worth it as our relationship is so much better, and the relief of not hiding stuff from him is huge.

Nikkisun

From my personal experience it doesn't work. My husband cheated several times on me early in our marriage (including a long term affair) he also had gambling/debt issues.

We split up about 8 years ago when I found out about the affair but got back together after a few months, nothing has been right since then - the whole relationship changed and as much I tried to forgive and forget the main problem was that there was no trust at all.

We have spent the last 8 years in a 'half-relationship' and finally in January this year I decided enough was enough and asked him to leave. He moved out last week and to be honest I now feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.

I'm not saying it can't work for you but be prepared to put in a damn lot of effort for maybe no reward!

ssedd

Thanks for all the messages.

In answer to some of the questions.

The reason I found out was that I found some emails between them from last year, although she says they were together in 09 and it stopped they have been emailing each other pretty much all last year, some emails just normal chat and others not so much so.
I know she wouldnt see him again as I have already 'seen him' so I know he certinly wouldnt do anything.
The problem as others have said is the trust; they were meeting up while I was at work and the thought of her going to see him while I was working to bring money in and provide as good a life as I could for us all just turns my stomach. The other thing which is screwing me up is there dosnt seem to be a reason, we were happy (or so I thought) and when I ask why it happened she dosent seem to be able to give me an answer.
I am going from dispair and feeling that I dont have anything to live for to mad rage and then just normal.
Although I have moved out we still see each other pretty much everyday because of the kids I think possible there has only been 2-3 days when we havnt seen each other; whenever I see her I am still so much in love with her but then I start thinking of what she has done and its driving me insane.
I am trying to take is slowly until my head can try to process everything, she has asked me to move back in but I know at the moment it wouldnt work out until I can try to stop thinking about what she did. leaving the house at night when I have put the kids to bed is the biggest killer.

If anyone is reading this who is or is thinking of cheating on someone please just dont, youve no idea how bad you can make someone feel by something that you do that probably dosent even mean anything to you other than a bit of fun.

jackieglasgow

I don't condone in anway what your wife has done ssedd, and remembering your previous threads, your relationship has been in crisis for some time. BUT I do wonder if your wife is mentally ill, with the drinking and so on - at the very least she sounds like she could be an alcoholic, and if this man has been making her feel a bit better about herself, its easy to follow her train of thought as to how this has come about. Relationships can be saved and go on to become stronger, but only if both parties want it, you both have to be fully committed to making things right, and becoming a couple again. Have you looked into couples' therapy, and suggested to your wife that she speak to the doctor about the drinking and whatever is troubling her too, if you don't solve the root cause of the behaviour, there's not much chance of changing it.

Best wishes to you, you have always come a across as a nice man.

covlass

Yes it can work but my advice is you have to talk about why the relationship went wrong, you must be able to ask any questions and have them answered fully and truthfully no matter how much it hurts, no lies just the truth. This goes for both people, then when both feel that every thing has been delt with and all questions asked and answered you then close the door on that chapter and never look back. It is never to be raised in an argument or thrown back in anyone's face. This does not happen over night but a relationship will never work if there are unanswered questions and lies still lurking.

Some people need to know every detail on what their partner did whilst cheating and the cheating partner may not understand this but they muct agree to be truthfull. Other do not wish to know such things in detail every one is different but until it is dealt with in full you will never move on. But yes it can work...

sueeve

You haven't said, I don't think, what she wants. it's not that it takes priority over you, but can you just clarify that she does want to stay with you. If not, move on. You won't make it work if only one of you is committed to making a huge effort

brians_daughter

ssedd wrote: »

Just wondered if anyone had ever successfully managed to get back with a partner after finding out they had been cheating?

I dont know anyone that has split up and then got back together after something like this and just wondered if anyone had managed to make it work.

yes, we have... and my goodness it was a long and painful road.

My oh cheated on me - not an affair per say, but a few drunken kisses on several occassions with the same woman. My (condensed) story is below

I was 26 at the time (so really young) and really ill at the time on chemo (which made it even worse for me)... after weeks and months of taking it through i got to the bottom of it. My oh was my carer, he washed dressed fed me at my worst and he held down a high pressure job too..not to mention the money worries on 1 wage... then worry the children if the worst should happen to me.

He needed to be himself, not a carer, dad, husband to a really ill woman. He needed a release. He rarely drank (still doesnt a lot) and it was his outlet, he didnt have a problem with drink he just went out a few times with work and after 4 pints was sozzled... he found a 'shoulder to cry on' and i found out. I found out as i knew something wasnt right. By the time i knew it was finished.

It broke my heart, i asked him to move out. He was compleetely honest with me and i actually knew the woman - she was a 'friend' of mine so i confronted her too... they both gave the same version of events.

3 drunken kisses took us 18 months to get over..18 months we will never get back, 18 months where our children suffered.. it still makes me angry now but i accept why he did what he did - even tho we both know it was not acceptable i am - in many ways - glad it happened. We are now more transaprent that ever before, closer, happier, more loving.

Anwyay, after all that dribble what i am saying is YES its possible, but its a hard road to go down.. it takes time to forgive and forget and you have to do this to make it work. You will get the nerves, the anger and the urges to check her mobile emails etc..but you cant.. you need to re-build the trust by speaking about the real issues and resolving to move onwards and upwards.

You can never throw it in her face when you argue about whos turn it is to fill the dishwasher, and you cant question her when she is 10 misn late home from work. You must love, trust and respect her and its bloody hard in the early days and you both need to want to make it work

Good luck x x

Pee

It is possible, but very hard, because the temptation as the person above says to throw it in her face when discussing the dishwashing is going to be there and if you give in to it, then it's not going to work.

Is Relate an option, to discover the "real" issues involved?

I have never been unfaithful in a relationship and probably only once had it happen to me but I have to say I think I would rather try dealing with and moving on from infidelity that serious drinking problems or serious debt or at least there would be no preference between three. (I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic who was bad with money.)

ssedd

My wife has asked me to move back in and said it was a mistake and she dosent know why she did it. I agree with the other poster I feel it was probably due to getting attention from someone else when she was low.

The drinking is a bigger problem even then her cheating. I have got home from work many times and found that she was drunk and looking after the kids.

I have now moved back home. I had to drive home last night as my mother in law rang me because she couldnt get hold of my wife. I told her not to worry but knew striaght away that she would be drunk. When I got here everyone had gone to bed but I managed to get in the house turn off the alarm turn the lights on and check on her and the kids without her even waking up. It scares me incase anything was to happen like a fire and she wouldnt hear the smoke alarm.
I gave her a ultimatium that she gets help or moved out, she still insists she dosent have a drink problem and so wont speak to anyone. So at the moment I am in the house with the kids and she has moved out to her mums I have booked the rest of the week off work to look after the kids. Now I somehow have to work out how to bring up two kids while doing a full time job at the same time.

I know she will try later to say she is sorry and will stop drinking but I have heard it all before and have just about had enough of everything she is doing and putting me through. All I want at the moment is a couple of days where nothing happens or goes wrong.