Getting back together

Kay_Peel

I had a friend who used these very same tactics to rid herself of a husband that she'd stopped loving.

She was cruel to him, she got drunk just so that she could shock and taunt him. She kept seeing her lover and stuck two fingers up to her bewildered husband when he asked what was going on. Sometimes she'd feel remorseful and invite him to rebuild their marriage, for the children's sake, but upon his return she remembered why she couldn't stand being in the same room as him - her drinking got worse and the arguments more bitter. It was horrible to watch how she treated him because he still loved her and wanted to be a hands-on dad.


You have never had a straight answer to the reasons for your wife's affair and why she drinks to excess. To me, she sounds like a woman who wants out, but can't bring herself to tell you or the children. Instead, she wants you to walk away in disgust. If that was her plan, then it's working. She doesn't sound as though she's serious about repairing your marriage.

You still have a partnership and will have that partnership for the rest of your lives - bringing up your children, dealing with your household etc - so if I were you I would stick to the 'business' side of your marriage when you speak to her. Get some counselling from Relate too. Your self-esteem must be rock-bottom and there's no need for it. Act as though you were preparing for a permanent split - getting your finances in order, for instance.

A bit of space for, say, 3 months in which you put the business side of your marriage in order, may be what's needed. Your wife might just decide that she wants out or she may not. You may decide that she's not serious about a reconciliation and has been a bit too keen to look at the end of the marriage. On the other hand, you may feel stronger and wiser and ready to pitch in and save your marriage.

Give yourself the space to heal a bit and lick your wounds for a few months. Try to be business-like.

Good luck - my heart goes out to you.

Percy1983

I have read the entire thread, and the more I have read the more my opinion has changed.

From what I have ready so far I would say, leave and take your children with you.

Maybe a bit blunt, but the part of her staying in contact with this bloke really made me angry.

pearl123

Is it also possible that your wife has moved on, but you have not?

euronorris

How old are the children? Is it possible she is suffering from undiagnosed PND? That could easily lead to drinking and overspending to 'deal with it herself'. Those words, from an earlier post, really stuck out at me as so many women feel like a failure when they are suffering from PND and don't want to admit there is even a problem.

Obviously, it could be lots of other reasons, but something to consider.

ssedd

Lots of things to reply to, here it goes.

The alcohol and debt issues were my wifes.

When I found out she had cheated she insisted she had had a thing with him the year previous but they had stopped it between themselves. The reason I found out was from emails and facebook messages that they had been sending to each other when according to her they were not seeing each other even though some of which mentioned them meeting up. Whenever I have tried to ask her she insists nothing happend last year but suddenly has memory loss when I ask about any details.

I went back last time because we both wanted to work it out, she did ask me to move back in so I guess this would mean she wasnt trying to force me out. We had quite a few arguments at first as I admit I moved back in too soon and my head still wasnt right so I was asking and mentioning things when I shouldnt have.

Things quietened down and were I thought going well until she had another week where she was drinking, I would leave for work she would promise not to drink and I would arrive home to find she had been drinking, because of this I went off on one again because I didnt feel she was trying hard to make things work, the previous week she had gone all week without any drink.

The reason I found out about the text messages was actually down to her, for some reason she had started to check my emails and telephone im not sure why but she felt I was up to something? In my phone I had saved a few numbers which I had found on her phone that I didnt recognise when I had first found out about things and to be honest forgotten about it. She started asking me whose they were which led to me asking her whose they were. when I asked about one particular number I could tell by her face that it was his number although she said it was one of the mums at school (lie no1).
I managed to find the call log on her phone and she had texted it twice the week earlier so I asked her again and she said it was his eventually but she had text him because I was getting mad about them again and she thought I might tell his wife (which I havnt yet). After I explained that the dates she text him we were actually going along well she decided that it wasnt that but she was just texting a friend and couldnt understand the fuss. I havnt seen the text from her or any replies from him but she cant remember (funny that) what the messages were.

Now she is saying she wants me out because she cant be together with me constantly checking up on her, she dosnt seem to grasp the fact that she is up to stuff.

jackieglasgow

I really think that no matter what happens between you, you would get a lot of help from Al Anon yourself SSedd.

pearl123

You can't build a relationship back up again if you are constantly checking up on each other. At the end of the day you can run around in circles checking up on someone - looking in coat pockets, tel bill, correspondance etc.

What is the point - if someone wants to cheat they will. If you spend your life checking up on anyone it will drive you crazy. If someone has it in their mind to cheat then they will - you can't stop it or change it.
If you are to be together the checking up on each other must stop.

If your wife is drinking all the time or binge drinking and running into problems then she requires the AA or something similar. If she is just choosing to have the occassional drink without you then that should not be problematic You've mentioned nothing of her mothering skills, so I suspect she is not as bad as she is painted out to be!

You also appear to want to get back with her. Your obviously pretty hurt by it all. Put her infidelity firmly behind you. If you cant then move on to another relationship.

sjc3

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I know my aunt regrets making him break contact with his son but I don't think she has any other regrets. But one of her conditions was that he did not see his son or ex-girlfriend and my uncle did stick to this. He was allowed to ring his ex-girlfriend to get updates on his son and he always sent money (he is wealthy). But he did not see his son

Your aunt may well have regrets for telling your uncle to break contact with his son. At the end of the day though you cant make someone do something like that. He chose to because all of a sudden it suited him to be back with your aunt.

I was going to say how awful for the child, but actually he probably had a much happier childhood without someone so selfish being around.

ssedd

It wasnt my intention to paint her as a bad mother but you tend to forget when talking about the problems to put in the middle shes a good mother to the kids. If she didnt have lots of good things going on do you think I would want to work things out?

I agree nothing can be done unless I can forget about the cheating, however it isnt easy when I do find out that shes still texting him. It like an ongoing circle, try to trust but then find out something has happened which makes you start to not trust again.

She has already said that because I cant trust her she dosnt want to carry on. I cant seem to make her understand that after something like this that went on for so long without me knowing that to trust her she has to give it time not just a month or so. Also not do things like text the man sees cheated on me with.

Kay_Peel

It sounds as though it doesn't matter what you do or say - she's going to find some excuse to explain why it just won't work. And she will say that it's all your fault - you're too jealous, too untrusting, too questioning, too protective and controlling blah, blah, blah.

She's told you that she wants to be apart from you (because it's all your fault and it just won't work anyway!) and so you've said you'll change that part of your behaviour. She's shown that she's not prepared to change the behaviour that upsets you. She expects you to take her as she is.

Does that sound like a woman who's going to work hard to repair the damage? Does that sound like someone who loves you, wants to be with you for the rest of her life and is truly sorry for your hurt?

You won't want to hear this because I suspect your not ready to face a life without her. ( I know all about those feelings of despair, believe me.) Here's the bottom line to your original question:

There's nothing you can do when one partner believes that the marriage is finished.

Don't beat yourself up and stay strong. I shall be thinking of you ......