Getting back together

brians_daughter

if she wants to come back and is full of promises make her work for it. Help her get help. find an AA meeting, go with her, speak to GP. She needs to admit she has issues and you need to assist her (if you are prepared to do so, which you seem to be as you love her dearly - that much is clear)

ssedd

I would be more than willing to go or do anything to help her but she just point blank refuses to talk to anyone.

DevilsAdvocate1

*max* wrote: »

That's awful! Poor child... He never asked to be fathered by an irresponsible idiot. I can't believe your uncle agreed to that, or that your aunt demanded it in the first place actually! She was in a relationship with a man who cheated on her, and now she's in a relationship with a man who no longer cheats, but abandonned his own child. Urgh...

I agree with you. The bizarre thing is, it was history repeating itself as his dad did exactly the same. He never, ever met his dad though because he left as soon as my grandmother became pregnant. She would never reveal his identity, and took this secret to her grave.

And like I say, I know my Aunt regrets doing this.

D.

themull1

How is she still allowed to look after the lids if she is an alcoholic?

janthemum

Myself and my husband divorced after 11yrs marriage due to similar problems.

The divorce drew a line under the problems and after a short time we started a relationship again and have been blissfully married for a further 9 years now.

It can be done.

ssedd

In answer to Themull1.

Dont get me wrong about the drinking, she would never ever intentionally harm the kids and if you were to bump into her you would very often not realise she had been drinking she comes across as a very happy chirpy person. The problem is that occasionally it goes too far and she will drink too much. This isnt condoning what she is doing she should not under any circumstanses be drinking when she is in charge of the kids. The problem is that she wont admit that she seems to constantly need a top up every day.
My worry isnt that she would ever harm the kids but that something is going to happen and that either she wont realise because she wont be alert as she should be or that something will happen where the police or social services end up getting involved.

Its easy to think why is she being left in charge of the kids but not so easy to find a solution. I cant simply give up my job, mortgage and bills etc need to be paid. My family dont live close and my parents work shift work so could not be there all the time to baby sit.

It has got to a point now because im not at home where I cant let it carry on but as I said finding a solution is the difficult part; my job isnt a 9-5 job at the best of times.
I will need to start looking into child care etc and school pick ups. Her Mother has offered to move into the the house with her for a couple of weeks to try and sort it out but unless she does something after the two weeks I cant see how anything would have changed.

Money_maker

So sorry to hear of your problems, the alcohol is probably the hardest issue to address and even if she wants to stop (which it doesn;t sound like) then it will take a long time.
I probably sound bitter but knew an alcoholic - so nice when sober (rarely) but damn selfish when drinking. Driving the kids out with bottles of alcohol rolling around in the car. Going AWOL on childs birthday leaving the child in tears all day and the police conducting a search. Laughing when found. Please remember your children and their safety must come first - ALWAYS.

tw1nklestar

Just to give an opposing view and not saying it is right in fact i know it was very wrong - but - when my x left me (him having an affair) i found it very easy to move to the bottle - i went from having a glass of wine with dinner sunday lunch time to having a glass of wine or two in the evening when the kids had gone to bed - i was never rolling drunk but it is still very early days for the both of you in split up terms and if ur wife liked a drink before you split i can see why you are worried but in turn why she would perhaps have an extra glass (however bad that sounds). If you were not before the split considering talking to her about her alcohol dependency then i would not tell her she needs to seek help now - she probably feels guilty enough already. If you are caring for the children at the moment you know they are safe and well cared for. I would suggest (purely from being there) if you relationship/friendship is still strong enough, for you two to go somewhere neutral (maybe a meal) and discuss what might happen in the future without apportioning blame, discussing in general your concerns and worries and allowing your wife the time and space to view hers. If she was drinking and running up debts when you were happy together perhaps there is an unhappiness or a problem that she has not been able to voice to you until now. Good luck for the future for you both and hope whatever happens in the future you will both be strong and kids will be secure and happy x

jackieglasgow

ssedd maybe it would be a good idea for you to find an Alanon support group near you, and see if it helps you deal with your wife's drinking problem. Its not for everyone, some people find it all a bit Americanised, but it can provide wonderful support for families of problem drinkers.

I would also advise contacting Relate, and asking your GP if they know of any local support services or couples counselling which may help you both.

ssedd

I have tried ringing AA today to get some advise and have got an answer phone both times

I could deal with her drinking if it was just me the issue is not wanting to leave the kids in such a situation. I have spokent to her today and she has said she will give up the drinking (again!!) and she realises that she drinks too much but can deal with it herself.

I am still trying to get her to go somewhere or speak to someone but to be perfectly honest if she does and dosnt want to be there there is little point.

I am honestly thinking of ringing social services for some help but dont know what that would involve; would it be someone to just call in and monitor how things were going or would it be possible they would want to remove the kids from the house if they thought there was any risk?

I am going to try and see if I can change my work hours so I can drop of and pick up the kids from school, although TBH I cant even see how this would be able to be done with my job.

Her mother has offered to move in here for a week or two, but that will mean me moving out again and I am worried all the people going in and out is going to start to cause the kids issues. The other thing is that Im not sure whether it would make any difference after she left. I would like to think that after all this and me making her leave the house she would finally get a grip and sort out her drinking but if I now decide that she can move back in will she see this as meaning she can just carry on because Ill always back down in the end.

She is coming to take the kids out shortly, I am going to try and get to citizens advise to at least work out what I can do with money and legal rights etc.