Getting back together

ssedd

Just wondered if anyone had ever successfully managed to get back with a partner after finding out they had been cheating?
I have recently moved out back to my mums after finding out my wife had been seeing someone behind my back while I was at work.
It hasnt been long, I moved out on 11th. We still see each other as we have kids and still talk and text each other.
There were other issues (debt and drinking) which were causing problems as well but obviously finding she had been cheating was why I moved out.
I do still love her, always have and always will but moving out was the hardest most horrible thing ever and im not sure if going back would be a big mistake. I worry if I went back and it didnt work out it would just lead to it happening all over again.
I dont know anyone that has split up and then got back together after something like this and just wondered if anyone had managed to make it work.

ailuro2

Yes, plenty of threads on here where people say they have realised where the REAL problem was, that cheating was a symptom of the problem, that both people reaally wanted to save the marriage, and that with lots of talking and hard work they had managed it.

I think it's a real 100% on both sides effort though...

photogifts

Its all very easy for some of us to say if my partner cheated that would be the end,i guess there can be instances where it isnt so black and white why they cheated i think it comes to the other partners personality if they are not the kind to lie and are are honest i guess pressure of a relationship when its bad can cause the partner to cheat a moment of bad error

My girlfriend cheated on her last partner before me but i trust her completely as personality wise she is honest and nice and she explained she was in a bad place and felt guilty afterwards and would never do that again as the guilts to much

i would find a one of easier to forgive than long going affair and you never know this could be the kick start to solve other things

where there is misery there is opportunity

good luck but don't be to quick to decide get emotions into check before decisions

Tropez

It is the same with every aspect of a relationship - if you both want it to work then it can.

For me, personally, I wouldn't want to get back with someone who cheated on me but if you do then you need to talk with your partner and in doing so you also have to accept that after the initial talking period you can no longer mention anything regarding that affair. That's the biggest stumbling block that people encounter - the betrayed partner has so much inner angst, anger, uncertainty etc. that they cannot let go of the fact that their partner cheated on them. It can actually be psychologically damaging to both partners if the memory of cheating cannot be removed from the relationship and until it is removed their is no real trust, and I believe that without trust you haven't got a relationship.

I also think it is best to try and avoid laying down the law, or making an obscene list of demands. Some people who are cheated upon feel emasculated and powerless and as a result try to assert some power and take advantage of a partner's sorrow and regret by telling them that they have to do this, this and this from now on in order to win back the relationship. This is almost certainly doomed to fail.

If you feel that you love her, and you feel that you can rid the relationship of the infidelity and never mention it again, while also not being eaten alive inside by the memories, then you may be in a position where you can rekindle the relationship, but you have to be willing to give up doubts, mistrust and all sorts of other negative feelings or you're just opening you and your (ex) partner up for even more hurt in the long run.

sueeve

Don't shut the door but work on the debt and the drinking. That can be ongoing long term compulsive behaviour, whereas the fling may well have been much more short term, and can be dealt with; not easily, but with enough determination. Perhaps it gave her release, comfort etc from the other problems, and it is those which you need to address.

Tish_P

Don't go back unless you are 100% sure she is genuinely dealing with the drinking problem and the debt. Otherwise you will always come second to booze in her life and you're prolonging the heartbreak for yourself and your kids.

If you've got good evidence that she is sorting herself out, there might be a chance - I hope it works out for you all.

sueeve

I just wonder about the use of the word 'cheated' athough I fully understand why you use it. It's just that it implies that only she was active in making things go wrong. This may be the case, but infidelity happens within the context of the whole relationship, and honest appraisal of yourself will be a part of things if you both try to move on together. It will be helpful at some point to talk things through with her with the support of someone impartial. It is worth it; even if you don't move on with her it will help when perhaps in the years to come you meet someone else/ Infidelity is a symptom, it doesn't exist on its own.

NickyBat

I know a couple who did. He had been having an affair behind his wifes back for 8 years, to cut a long story short, they got through it and went on to have a further 20 0dd years together before he died.

It was harder for her than for him as i know she never fully regained the trust she had in him, their marriage was different after it all but they were happy again.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

louise3965

who was doing the drinking and had the debt?

DevilsAdvocate1

I know quite a few people who have got back together after an affair and all are still together now. The best example is probably my aunt and uncle. They had been married for 20 years when he had an affair and left my aunt and their 3 children to move in with another woman. Just under 5 years later, he suddenly decided to get back with my aunt and she surprisingly took him back. Even more surprising as he now had a 3 year old son with his girlfriend.

This will have been around 22 years ago now and they are still together. I know my aunt regrets making him break contact with his son but I don't think she has any other regrets. But one of her conditions was that he did not see his son or ex-girlfriend and my uncle did stick to this. He was allowed to ring his ex-girlfriend to get updates on his son and he always sent money (he is wealthy). But he did not see his son.

So yes, most definitely it can work if you are both prepared to make it work.

D.

*max*

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

But one of her conditions was that he did not see his son or ex-girlfriend and my uncle did stick to this. He was allowed to ring his ex-girlfriend to get updates on his son and he always sent money (he is wealthy). But he did not see his son.
.

That's awful! Poor child... He never asked to be fathered by an irresponsible idiot. I can't believe your uncle agreed to that, or that your aunt demanded it in the first place actually! She was in a relationship with a man who cheated on her, and now she's in a relationship with a man who no longer cheats, but abandonned his own child. Urgh...