I don't know what to do next

bubble173

Nicki wrote: »

At the moment you are like a diabetic who is refusing to do anything but complaining about feeling awful. Until you give one or both of the treatments available to you a proper try you are unlikely to move forward.

I completely disagree with that. The only thing I haven't tried is medication. I've tried helping myself, counselling, cbt, reading about it, talking to friends, joining support groups, talking to people with the same problem. I've actually tried really bloody hard to get over this, i'm just clearly so useless I can't do it.

So I'm not "refusing to do anything about it". I just don't want to rely on medication although I will probably speak to my GP about trying it properly. I'm concerned about the side effects though and don't feel it's for me. I'm the kind of person who won't even take painkillers unless i'm half dead so the thought of taking something every day is not something I look forward to and part of the reason I have avoided it for so long. I hoped there would be another way out of it.

I also agree with the people who have suggested CBT isn't for me. It isn't, I know it isn't. But it's what my GP recommended after the counselor they referred me to originally said they didn't know how to help. I can't afford to go privately so I don't know what options I have if I don't just follow what my GP recommended. I have looked in to mind before but they aren't in my local area. The nearest is about an hour away and as I rely on public transport I don't think I could get to them. They do have an email address though so I may email them my post from here and see if they can help or whether they can put me in contact with someone a bit closer to me.

ninky_2

bubble 173 so sorry you are feeling like this. not wanting to be alive is not a good place to be in. but i think you are stronger than you realise. you've actually been very honest on here.

can i suggest something. you don't have to do it but i think it might help. print out this thread (or at least the first post) and give it to your therapist in an envelope. you could even do it at the end of the next session if you feel you can't bring it up at the beginning.

doing this will no doubt make your heart pound and you will feel very scared but honestly it is the bravest and best thing you can do.

your life is worth rescuing. you can't go on like this and you need some help.

your therapist is not a miracle worker but this little bit of honesty might help them to help you more than they are doing at the moment.

best of luck with it. i hope your journey improves soon.

ninky_2

btw i disagree with the people telling you you have to take the medication. it is your life and your body and if you don't want to then don't do it. that said there is absolutely no shame in giving them a go. even if they don't work at least you will have tried. i too was prescribed meds for depression a few years ago. took them for two weeks, didn't liked them and stopped taking them.

patchwork_cat

bubble173 wrote: »

I've read through all the replies. Thank you.

I don't take the antidepressants because I don't want to pretend i'm feeling ok. I know i'm not ok. To me it's a quick fix and if I stopped taking them the problem would still be there. The problem needs dealing with properly, not with medication, in my opinion. I say this because it's an event in my life that triggered the reaction and messed my head up, and I feel I need to sort the mess out so to speak before I will ever be ok. I don't want to take tablets for 2 years and then come off them and be back in this situation, which I think I will be, because the problem won't have been dealt with.

An AE is an alter ego. I have another username on here which I post under a lot. But I didn't want to be recognised.

The post that says I think i'm special, no actually. I don't. It couldn't be further from the truth. I have such a low opinion of myself that I struggle to function most days. I can't get out of bed, I struggle to eat, I struggle to talk to people openly because I don't feel worth their time, some days I don't brush my hair or my teeth, or wash, or get dressed because I don't see the point, because i'll still feel the same, and I don't feel i'm worth my own effort, never mind anybody else's. I don't have the energy to feel special or like people are beneath me. I barely have the energy to survive each day.

Regarding family, they've always been unsupportive. There have been times when they've helped a little, but they don't want to listen. I once opened up a little to my mum. She laughed at me. I desperately want to talk to them and make them understand but I don't know how.

I have been with this therapist for about 8 weeks now and it's through the NHS depression support service. I think I'm only allowed to have another 4 sessions with her before i'm supposed to be cured. I struggle to be honest with her, not only because I can't trust her, but because I don't want to be an inconvenience by not sailing through CBT. I want to please her by getting it right and following the norm. I don't want to be a failure at CBT as well as everything else in my life.

I'm sorry if I missed anything. I'm so overwhelmed by the replies and people taking the time to write a reply to me that i've struggled to remember everything said. Thank you for giving me some time from your day.

You will find that the vast majority of people who have depression/ anxiety have been triggered by a major event.

OK I will try and give you a bit of the science behind medication taking the edge off so that you can deal with teh issue. I assume you have been given SSRI's which are the likes of Prozac (Fluoextine) and Citalopram. They basically, in very simple terms, make your brain synapses use leftover serontonin more efficently.

Serotonin is the calming chemical that the brain produces. A short period of stress increases the serotonin, but with longer periods serotonin production reduces. You have to correct this chemical imbalance in order to address issues.

The best way IMO for you to alter your thinking and deal with this event is to correct teh chemical imbalance whilst working on therapy and then when you are in teh right place to deal with things on your own and produce enough serotonin to not need the 'leftover' you can come off the tablets.

PM me if you want, I will provide you with links etc. to show that medication is not 'painting over the cracks', but providing you with a stable foundation to build your tower until you can replace the foundations yourself.

I think that you need to attack this on the 2 fronts. If you are so depressed, you are not in the right place to heal, if you take the antidepressants and it takes the edge off then you can heal and come to terms with what happened to you and the repurcussions.

Also if you have been given SSRI's and take an overdose they will not kill you.

patchwork_cat

ninky wrote: »

btw i disagree with the people telling you you have to take the medication. it is your life and your body and if you don't want to then don't do it. that said there is absolutely no shame in giving them a go. even if they don't work at least you will have tried. i too was prescribed meds for depression a few years ago. took them for two weeks, didn't liked them and stopped taking them.

Sorry, but taking antidepressants for 2 weeks is neither use nor ornament. They are not a quick fix.

ChocolateMonkey

bubble173 wrote: »

I completely disagree with that. The only thing I haven't tried is medication. I've tried helping myself, counselling, cbt, reading about it, talking to friends, joining support groups, talking to people with the same problem. I've actually tried really bloody hard to get over this, i'm just clearly so useless I can't do it.

So I'm not "refusing to do anything about it". I just don't want to rely on medication although I will probably speak to my GP about trying it properly. I'm concerned about the side effects though and don't feel it's for me. I'm the kind of person who won't even take painkillers unless i'm half dead so the thought of taking something every day is not something I look forward to and part of the reason I have avoided it for so long. I hoped there would be another way out of it.

I also agree with the people who have suggested CBT isn't for me. It isn't, I know it isn't. But it's what my GP recommended after the counselor they referred me to originally said they didn't know how to help. I can't afford to go privately so I don't know what options I have if I don't just follow what my GP recommended. I have looked in to mind before but they aren't in my local area. The nearest is about an hour away and as I rely on public transport I don't think I could get to them. They do have an email address though so I may email them my post from here and see if they can help or whether they can put me in contact with someone a bit closer to me.

I have suffered with Anxiety/Depression on and off for years. I've tried numerous bouts of counselling which never got to the root problem and also CBT which ended the same. I'm now with a counselling group where I pay (not much) but i'm really feeling changes.

Reading your post did anger me, yes anger. You say you're helping yourself when you dont seem to be right now, why go to the CBT if you're lying, you're just wasting your time and the counsellors.
I may be being blunt but you need to be honest otherwise whats the point, go back to your GP and be honest or see another GP till you find the one who actually understands you.

I've been on AD on and off for 2 years ish, at first they were just pushed onto me and didnt want to take them but once they were explained how they would help and tbh I thought "they cant make me feel any worse than I do right now" i decided to give them a try and they have really helped. I'm slowly weaning myself off atm so its not a forever thing.

I know its a horrible horrible feelng to have and I do sympaphise but you've got to be honest otherwise you'll get no where.

bubble173

I was prescribed citalopram and told it would take 6 weeks to start working but that the side effects can be awful. The GP has also increased the dose on 4 occasions without any input from myself. It was once doubled without me even talking to them or going to the surgery. They've never asked if I take it or if it is working. I'm just asked how i'm feeling and reply with "ok". And then the dose gets increased.

I don't feel like I can confide in my current therapist about how I feel. I don't trust her, and she isn't a nice person. I suppose I should probably stop wasting her time and mine by seeing her every week and ask my GP for a referral to something else.

ChocolateMonkey

bubble173 wrote: »

I was prescribed citalopram and told it would take 6 weeks to start working but that the side effects can be awful. The GP has also increased the dose on 4 occasions without any input from myself. It was once doubled without me even talking to them or going to the surgery. They've never asked if I take it or if it is working. I'm just asked how i'm feeling and reply with "ok". And then the dose gets increased.

I don't feel like I can confide in my current therapist about how I feel. I don't trust her, and she isn't a nice person. I suppose I should probably stop wasting her time and mine by seeing her every week and ask my GP for a referral to something else.

I'm on Citalopram and I personally have not had any side effects that I've noticed apart from a decrease in sex drive although that could be the anxiety as mine has flared up a bit recently. :mad:

I started on 10 and have been up to 40mg then im currently back down to 20mg through weaning. The surgery should not be changing your dose without consulting you. I've been really lucky as I've found a gp who is actually interested in how I feel and how I want to treat my Mh issues instead of just getting rid of me quickly.

I know its hard, I really do but you have to help yourself. You know how you feel so try to be stronger and more honest.
If the GP is not helpI'm currently at Metanoia in West London which isnt through the NHS so they have currently set out 6months counselling with me which I feel has made me look at things in my past differently and try to work out the root cause of my anxiety.

bubble173

It was my GP who warned of the "awful" side effects, before even handing me the first prescription. I think that put me off before I even left the room. I'm not worried about a decrease in sex drive, it's impossible to decrease from non-existent anyway. I may try citalopram. Thank you.

I am honest with everyone apart from the current therapist because there is no trust there. I have tried to trust her and be honest but I can't. If she listened to me she would know that it wasn't working between us. I will speak to my GP about changing, again. I just feel like every time I change that it's back to the beginning and somebody else that I have to tell my story to and explain everything all over again.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Firstly, I am sorry that something has happened that you are having difficulty adjusting to/accepting/whatever way you want to put it.


1. You go to the doctor, are clearly still depressed, so because you are lying to them, they think the dose of medication needs to be increased. It's not their fault that you are lying to them and don't take the course of action they have suggested may help. They're not psychic.

2. You go to the therapist, are clearly still depressed and not only do you lie to them, you don't take any action they suggest which could help if you actually did it.

3. Your family. Sound like k.nobs. But, on the other hand, maybe they think they can jolly you out of yourself, get you to smile and laugh, have a joke with them, get you to open up with an approach other than 'poor you'. It's not working. But then again, you won't talk to them about wanting to die, so they don't have much to work with. If they stopped and said really gently 'how are you really feeling?', would you not just say 'I'm fine'?

4. Every suggestion that has been made has been blocked by you. You don't want medication, you don't like the therapist, it's never going to work with her, with a new therapist, etc.

5. You feel terrible, you have thoughts of harming yourself, but aren't honest with anyone about these feelings. So they don't know they are there.



Perhaps the therapist is there to address some passive aggressive attitudes of yours, and isn't there to make it all better and nice and cosy? She can't change your past. Nobody can do that, cos if they could, I want to go back and delete a rather embarrassing situation involving Barry from the 5th form when I was 14 and we were in his best mate David's bedroom with Bob Marley on the stereo :whistle:




If you were to consider how your approach to anything is influencing your behaviour, the way you interact with your family, doctors, therapists, perhaps you would be able to take some useful steps to moving away from the past and towards some kind of future.

As it is, it would be a possible reaction to say, well, you say you're fine, you won't take medication because you say it can't work, you won't engage with non medicated treatment as it won't work, you don't engage with anyone who could conceivably support you as you are convinced it won't work, so you are obviously more comfortable in that unpleasant little circle of I feel rubbish, but I'm not going to do a single thing about it except for continuing to feel rubbish about it.


You are therefore sabotaging any attempts to help you or to get you to help yourself.

What do you gain from this?

Why do you feel safer being this way rather than any other?


How is it easier for you to trundle along saying 'oh no, don't worry about me, I'm fine, nobody can ever understand or help me, so don't bother, I'll just linger around like a lost soul worrying everyone, but refusing to do anything that may potentially help matters'?


Are you angry?

So angry you can feel it bubbling down deep inside you? Trapped, wanting to get out? Wanting to scream and cry and rage about what happened? It wasn't fair and it wasn't right and you shouldn't have this memory?

Are you scared that letting anger out will sweep you away? That it won't ever stop, like a tidal wave of fury? That people won't want you if you are anything other than the passive, brooding, I'm alright, I'll just sit here and wait to die that you appear to me at the moment?



A step towards genuine recovery would be to approach your GP, even with a handwritten letter to say that you haven't been taking your medication at all, you are thinking of harming yourself and you have not engaged with your therapist. That way, even if you answer 'I'm fine', you can hand over the letter and they can read the truth in way where you don't have to say out loud

'No, I'm not OK. What happened was not OK. And I want help to get this out, for people to acknowledge that I AM NOT ALRIGHT'.