I don't know what to do next

squoog

bubble173 wrote: »

I’m sorry for the long post. If you read it then thank you. Although I don’t think anyone will have. If I’m not worth my family’s time then I’m definitely not worth the time of a stranger.

If anyone did read it then I would appreciate some advice, please.

Please see how your eloquent post touched so many people so quickly and they responded because they all care and have maybe experienced difficult times themselves.
You are not alone and you CAN get through this.

Humphrey10

Antidepressants do not always help, stop jumping on the OP for not taking them.

OP tell your GP you are not taking the tablets, and stop getting more from the chemist, and take them all to the chemists to be disposed of.

Have you tried http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome ? It's an online CBT thing, no one else sees the results so you don't need to lie to it if you haven't done what it suggests.

Your family are being very unhelpful.

Something that might be helpful - joining some kind of hobby group (eg a sewing group, a choir, a reading group, whatever really), then you have some people to socialise with that you never have to discuss personal things with if you do not want to.

warez22

I feel that you are reaching out and writing your post is the first step. I hope you found it helpful to get it all down in writing and I think you should be very proud of yourself for doing so. I am guessing that this is the first time you have been so brutally honest in black and white.

You can see from all the replies you have received that people want help you and that strangers do in fact care about the wellbeing of people they have never met.

Maybe subconciously you have now reached the conclusion that you want to be reached out to and be helped.

Try taking the next step by being as honest with your therapist as you have on here and then hopefully you can get the support and nurturing that you need.

Good luck and keep posting, the support is there.:)

xx

JonathanA

Please make an appointment first thing with the doctor, print out your post and take it, along with all the unopened and unused tablets, back to them. It would appear that your therapist / counsellor hasn't secured your trust and that needs to be resolved - is there someone else who you can be referred to?

Is there a friend or supportive family member you can talk to, who will recognise the seriousness of your illness?

I hope you are able to move forward positively, the samaritans are a wonderful organisation who will always listen should you feel able to talk to them.

Good luck, and stay strong.

bubble173

I've already changed therapist twice. I've lied to them all pretending i'm doing homework etc when I'm not, because it seems so pointless. I don't even know why i'm having CBT. I don't think it's going to help anything. I know it's supposed to get worse before it gets better with CBT. But I don't think my current therapist even listens. Last week my problems were compared to believing in fairies. How am I supposed to confide in somebody like that when she compares something so real to believing in fairies? It makes me feel like an idiot. She makes me do things for homework that I can already do perfectly well. Send a text, walk to the shop etc. I can do all that. I do it every day. And sending a text or walking to the shop is not an answer to my problems. It feels like she's just following it from a book, like she thinks every case is the same. She doesn't notice I don't answer any questions, I rely on her to suggest answers and go along with it.

I don't lie to them to be dishonest though. I don't think i'm going to go in and tell lies, I don't plan it. I want to be honest. I want to tell her i'm really struggling. I just can't talk to her. I had one therapist I could talk to (it wasn't for CBT though), I spent hours talking things through with her completely honestly and I improved a lot. But she's moved to another area and I can't see her any more. My next therapist made me uncomfortable so we only had a few sessions before I asked for a change. And this one I don't trust enough to talk to. If I ask for another change I have to go back on the waiting list and it could be another 3+ months. I can't cope with another 3 months of this.

My friends have helped me so much in the past 18 months. I do talk to them. I talk to them every day. But they have their own lives to live, their own problems to deal with, their own families to take care of. I don't want to take up any more of their time.

It's not like i'm not trying. I am. I've spent the best part of three years trying to find a way out of this. I've tried counselling through my GP surgery and it was a disaster, the counsellor seen me for an assessment and then said he didn't know how to help me and didn't have space for me on his list. I'm trying cbt and you can see from my posts how that is going. I spent hours reading about my problem online and stories from people with the same issues, I found ways to help my self because I desperately want to be normal again, and it worked for a bit, but i'm still unhappy. I joined support groups for my issue but I found talking to people like me draining - I know that sounds terrible, but I ended up talking about the problem for hours every week and I found myself focusing on it rather than trying to get better. I have tried. I just don't know what to try next.

My GP pretty much told me to get over it in a polite way so I don't feel like I can open up to them. Another GP signed me off work for two weeks when I told them I was going to kill myself. I printed off information about my problem and they wouldn't even look at it and told me I had wasted my time. I've found them as dismissive as my family. None of them take me seriously.

I want help, I just don't know what to try next. I have tried everything I can think of to help my self.

Nicki

Humphrey10 wrote: »

Antidepressants do not always help, stop jumping on the OP for not taking them.

OP tell your GP you are not taking the tablets, and stop getting more from the chemist, and take them all to the chemists to be disposed of.

Have you tried http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome ? It's an online CBT thing, no one else sees the results so you don't need to lie to it if you haven't done what it suggests.

Your family are being very unhelpful.

Something that might be helpful - joining some kind of hobby group (eg a sewing group, a choir, a reading group, whatever really), then you have some people to socialise with that you never have to discuss personal things with if you do not want to.

I think this is quite an unhelpful post to be honest!

Anti depressants definitely don't work if they aren't taken. OP says she hasn't taken any of those which have been prescribed for her. Yes it can be hard to find the right antidepressant, yes it can take a while for the drugs to start to work, yes SOMETIMES depression can be drug resistant, but for a lot of people antidepressants can and do work effectively.

As for the other advice, if OP is feeling suicidal even part of the time this is not something which she can pull herself out of by joining a choir, or doing some online CBT. She needs support from a properly trained professional who can build a relationship with her. She's very unlikely to be able to do this on her own - after all she's been trying to for over a year with no progress yet.

OP, please do go back to your GP tomorrow if you can, and see what can be done to start your process of recovery.

soupdragon10

Bubble you have written very honestly about how you are feeling - why not print out this post and show it to your therapist. I've seen counsellors and like you told them what I thought they wanted to hear, and was able to continue to fool them into thinking I was getting what I needed.

Like you I've also kept the anti depressants in a drawer, not because I wanted to kill myself, but simply that I had the escape route which I knew I wouldn't take.

Your family are less than helpful, but most family members will either be frightened or not understanding of something that they haven't experienced themself. It's like my being told to pull myself together when suffering a bout of intense depression.

If you don't like/trust/feel able to open up to your therapist get another - it's not easy and you may need to change more than once until you find someone that fits with you, and you feel safe with.

Take a step at a time, don't feel you have to rush or be pressured into 'getting better' for others benefit. Be kind to yourself and try to do something you enjoy every day, even if it's only for 5 minutes. Listen to music, read, walk in the park whatever you like. You deserve to be happy it just takes a bit of time getting there sometimes.

Humphrey10

Nicki wrote: »

...

The OP hasn't taken the antidepressants that have been prescribed for her for a year, so I think advising her to tell her GP this rather than just telling her to take them, is more helpful.

I'm sure they do work for some people, but people should not be forced to take them, if they do not want to. The OP needs to discus all this with her GP.

I did not say 'join a choir and you will not be depressed' nor did I say online CBT would stop the depression. I just said they may help.
I did not say in my post that a therapist would also help, because I assumed the OP already knows this, as they have persevered with talking therapies even though the current therapist is not helpful.

I was just trying to suggest things that have helped me, and that were suggested to me by GPs etc.
Personally, I found it extremely helpful to join a club where I could talk to people with a shared interest, who I never had to discuss personal things with, so I could forget how I was feeling for a short time. Yes of course on it's own this would not stop someone being depressed, that does not mean it would not help at all.

*max*

Why haven't you tried the anti depressants you were given? Really, why?
That makes me think you were thinking you could overcome this on your own, that meds were somehow "above" you. And what you've written about therapy is telling me the same thing.

It's very easy when you're clinically depressed to think that "nobody will understand", that your problem is so far beyond anything anyone has experienced that there's no point talking about it, because they just will not understand. It's easy to think you're "special", and everyone else is somewhat beneath you, because you feel that the way you think is so very unique and, yes...clever.
To put it lightly, you (not you as such, just a figure of speech) are really revelling in the fact that you're somewhat "superior", because nobody would be able to understand, and whatever help they try to give is so incredibly stupid and ill-adapted.
I know being depressed and being conceited or arrogant don't usually go together. But sometimes they do.
What do you think Bubble?

sarah*a

Nicki wrote: »

Could you print off your opening post and take it along to your GP and have an honest conversation with him or her. Maybe the answer is just as simple as changing your psychiatrist and therapist to someone you can trust more.

This above is what I was going to suggest - print out both the posts you have made here and take them to your GP. Give them to him/her and ask them to read them then and there - don't be fobbed off with 'I'll read them later' as thats no help to you.

CBT doesn't work for everybody - It didn't work for me as I found it pointless and totally irrelevant for many of the reasons you've stated - I could text or call people, I could go to the shops, I could walk round the block or go to the libray - but I wasn't doing them for ME I was doing them because I was told to and got nothing from them. But Talking Therapy was good for me - to sit and pour everything out and bawl and cry and shout and pull my hair out in a safe environment was exactly what I needed.

If you go back to the Therapist also take a copy of your posts and show her. TBH if she's plowing on ahead with your sessions she doesn't seem that good for you and is probably working form a step-by-step model. But you are not helping her by agreeing with her/not telling the truth.

bubble173 wrote: »

Something happened a few years ago and it changed my life.

I think whatever it is you haven't dealt with it yet and you need to deal with it before you can move on. Tell your therapist this - tell your GP you need counselling NOT CBT.

bubble173 wrote: »

My family know what happened to me. I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel now but they think I’m putting it on. They think it’s so I don’t have to work. In reality I desperately want to go back to work and their support would help me get there. But I don’t get the support because they don’t listen, they don’t let me open up, because they think I’m trying it on to stay unemployed. A typical conversation with “How did therapy go today? Are you still pretending you’re mental?” and so I immediately shut down once again. I’m not pretending. This couldn’t be more real. And on the flip side I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I don’t want to upset them. I’m not worth their time.

Yes you are! You are worth every second. Would they go to family counselling? My mum never realised really how ill I was until my first suicide attempt. She turned upto the hospital and said "I suppose you took just enough to make you sick but not enough to kill you" If it hadn't been for the nurse who said "If she hadn't had a reaction and thrown them all up you'd be here to identify a body not taking her home" she would never have believed I really meant it. So maybe they need to hear it from someone they would believe?

They may never 'understand' but may become more 'understanding' IYKWIM? My mum still doesn't understand MH issues but but deals with it well and we have beome a lot closer in the last few years.

bubble173 wrote: »

I sometimes think I should take some as a cry for help and to get my family to notice I need them.

Please, Please don't do that - you were lucky to have one 'failed' attempt - please don't tempt fate by doing it for 'a cry for help'

meritaten wrote: »

your therapist isnt very good is he/she? after all this time they cant pick up that you are not being truthfull?
Which organisation is conducting your therapy hun? why on earth do you have to spend time filling in questionnaires?
Find a different therapist hun - I have had experience with charities with counselling services and have never heard of this practice - or of a counsellor who didnt know they were being lied to! and immediately referred the client to another counsellor!
you dont trust your therapist. so you need to find someone you trust, you havent said what its related to - perhaps you need to find another organisation which will give counselling which you find more appropriate.

Ditto everything said here.

Please go back and ask for the help you know you need. Take back all the excess meds you've stored. Ask for a referall for counselling, think about taking a course of anti-d's - they can help but you need to give them a minimum of six-months they are not an overnight cure.

But most importantly TELL YOUR GP YOU ARE NOT COPING! I have to take my OH or my MH Worker to alot of my appts as I have a tendancy to sit and nod and agree with them whereas they nudge me and say 'thats not what you told me' or tell the Dr 'thats not what I've witnessed' and it makes it easier for the truth to come out. If you can't take someone with you write it down first and say 'I find it hard to talk about my feelings so have written it down to help us both'.

I wish I could reach through and give you a big hug and lead you by the hand to the help you need - but you're gonna have to let thoses defenses down and do it yourself.

You CAN do it {HUG}