I don't know what to do next

bubble173

I'm an AE.

I apologise if this is a long post. It may be quite vague as friends use the forum and I don’t want to be recognised.

I'm not sure where to turn now and don't want to burden my friends. They have their own "RL" problems and have helped me so much in the past but I don't want to trouble them with this.

I'm not sure why i'm posting really. I guess I just need to speak to someone, anyone, and get some advice.

It’s not that I want to die particularly. I just don’t want to be alive any more.

Something happened a few years ago and it changed my life. I’m currently having CBT to help with this but I think it’s a waste of time.

I can’t be honest with my therapist. They give me homework, I pretend I’ve done it because things they suggest are either ridiculous or impossible to me. We spend half of every 45 minute session going over “homework” that I haven’t done and setting homework for the next week which I won’t do. It’s not that I don’t want to do the homework and get better. I just can’t do it. Or it’s so stupid I don’t see the point. For example, one week my homework was to send a text message. I send hundreds of text messages every week. How is sending a text to a friend going to cure anything? How is anything ever going to cure anything?

I lie to my therapist because being honest about how I feel is too hard. I know they’re professional and they won’t judge. But I can’t admit how I’m feeling to people. In therapy I have to fill in a questionnaire at the start of every session. It asks questions about my mood. One of the questions asks if I ever think about ending my life. I always say no, but in reality my answer is yes. Always. I’ve not done anything to harm myself for many years. But the thought is always there.

I feel like I know what my answers should be, so I say what I think they want to hear. I don’t say how I feel. I go along with what a normal person would be saying. I fill sessions with “I don’t know”, “I’m not sure” and let my therapist suggest answers then just agree. I don’t even listen to much of what is being said because I know the questions will be answered for me.

My family know what happened to me. I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel now but they think I’m putting it on. They think it’s so I don’t have to work. In reality I desperately want to go back to work and their support would help me get there. But I don’t get the support because they don’t listen, they don’t let me open up, because they think I’m trying it on to stay unemployed. A typical conversation with “How did therapy go today? Are you still pretending you’re mental?” and so I immediately shut down once again. I’m not pretending. This couldn’t be more real. And on the flip side I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I don’t want to upset them. I’m not worth their time.

I’ve been prescribed antidepressants but I’ve never taken them. A years’ worth of tablets is sitting in my drawer, all boxes unopened. I keep wondering how many I would have to take to end this misery. But I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live while life is like this. I sometimes think I should take some as a cry for help and to get my family to notice I need them. I sometimes think it will get me access to the help I need. But after a failed suicide attempt 6 years ago I know it wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference to their behaviour. I know I still wouldn’t be worth their time.

I don’t know where to turn any more.

I put on a front and pretend I’m happy. I pretend I’m coping. But I’m not happy. I’m definitely not coping.

Sometimes all I want is a hug, but nobody is ever there to offer one.

Sometimes I just want my mum to make it better. But I’m a grown adult. Mummy can’t come running. She certainly can’t make it better.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for the long post. If you read it then thank you. Although I don’t think anyone will have. If I’m not worth my family’s time then I’m definitely not worth the time of a stranger.

If anyone did read it then I would appreciate some advice, please.

mountainofdebt

I think the first step is to be honest with people....your therapists, your family and your friends.

We often say things to people because we don't want to burden them or think that we've burdened them enough.

And how many times have friends & family who have taken their own lives said 'if only they had something' or 'if only we knew how they felt'.

As for those pills - if you worry that you might take an overdose, even if you only meant it as a cry for help - take them to the chemist and ask them to dispose of them properly.

nzmegs

You need to get a new therapist as a start. Your family also sound like they really don't understand and just want to avoid the whole thing. This can be an understandable reaction when things are too hard to talk about.

The thing about CBT is that it takes a willingness to improve things as a starting point and I don't think you are there yet. it does work if you are able to take it seriously, but it sounds like you can't do that right now. You need a different sort of therapy to look into that.

You need to get an appointment to see your doctor tomorrow and talk to them about your feelings and your depression medication. they will tell you if you should be taking it. In the meantime call a friend or someone you can trust and tell them how you are feeling. I bet there are people out there who care about you more than you know. Stop pretending, because it is holding you in one spot. you need to let go of the fear and accept the help which will be there for you.

Keep reading because other people will be able to offer better advice!

Fellpony_2

Hi Bubble

Not sure what an AE is, sorry but know that you need to be honest in your CBT sessions else there's no point in going, it's not just a waste of your time, but theirs too. If you don't want to go don't but if you want their help you have to tell them the truth. It isn't going be easy, it may hurt bringing back feelings you thought were past, but it's the best way forwards to get back on track. If you don't settle with the therapist can you ask for a different one? one you feel more comfortable with?

And those tablets in the drawer are to make you feel better, if they don't then you are justified in going back to the doctors and asking for different ones. If the side effects are weird then talk to the doctors, thats what they are there for, to get you the medicine that puts you right.

It would seem you have the support systems there but aren't letting them help you. Your family might need to know how you feel about everything, like you have put it down here. But they can only do so much, you need to start by doing it your self, with the tablets and honest in you sessions.

Oh and even us grown adults need a hug from their mum's now and again!!

Sorry to be so blunt.

Fellpony

Plans_all_plans

Also, the Samaritans will always listen: http://www.samaritans.org/ 08457 90 90 90 (your local branch will have their own number, rather than an 0845 one). Best wishes.

Fellpony: An AE is Alter-Ego I think.

Mojisola

bubble173 wrote: »

A typical conversation with “How did therapy go today? Are you still pretending you’re mental?” and so I immediately shut down once again. I’m not pretending. This couldn’t be more real.

I can't imagine anything more unhelpful - that's an outrageous comment!

I agree with nzmegs. Your current therapy is a waste of time. If you think that telling the therapist exactly what you're doing will change things, try it, but I can't help thinking that if he/she hasn't picked up on what you're doing, then he/she isn't very good.

You may not feel as if you are worth something but you are - we all are. Hang on in here with us and you'll get the support your family and friends aren't giving you.

mancitychick

I have no advise I just couldn't read and run. ((((hugs)))) to you. Please try to be honest with your therapist, so hopefully they can have the full picture to be able to give you the help you want/need. Please do as mountainofdebt suggested and dispose of the tablets, crys for help do go wrong.

Nicki

What help do you think you need?

If you won't take the medication which has been prescribed for you, and you won't participate in therapy, you aren't really giving yourself a chance to recover. What is holding you back?

Mental illness is as real as physical illness, and you do need medical help to recover from it. Deliberately refusing that help means you will stay locked in the same dark place.

Could you print off your opening post and take it along to your GP and have an honest conversation with him or her. Maybe the answer is just as simple as changing your psychiatrist and therapist to someone you can trust more.

It is hard, but no one is going to seek you out with a magic answer. You have to take the first step to get better, and so far you haven't done this. Many people do recover from this however. Try to trust you can be one of them, and give the medical help you've been offered a try.

concerned43

As a person who has known someone dear to them who took their own life - I would urge you to seek help!
Go back to your GP and tell all - be honest (if you can't then print off what you have written here and give it to them), let them help you.
You have no idea how many times a day, 365 days a year I wish they had told me how bad they felt! It would not have been a burden, I would have done everything I could to help, just like your support unit would do if you would just open up to them.

squoog

There is one person that CAN help you. That is YOU.
It is time to stop pretending, time to face the fear and confide in your therapist that you haven't been completely honest. A little at a time.
If it is so easy to do the 'homework', why don't you at least try and maybe discover something new about yourself.
None of this is easy, life isn't for many of us. But, you are worth it!
Read your post back and think, If your friend told you the same story what would you say to her? Sometimes your family is the last place to go for help.
I hope you will give your therapist another chance and in doing so, yourself too.
Could you go to the GP and ask for some counselling, a neutral place to pour out your real feelings might really help.

meritaten

your therapist isnt very good is he/she? after all this time they cant pick up that you are not being truthfull?
Which organisation is conducting your therapy hun? why on earth do you have to spend time filling in questionnaires?
Find a different therapist hun - I have had experience with charities with counselling services and have never heard of this practice - or of a counsellor who didnt know they were being lied to! and immediately referred the client to another counsellor!
you dont trust your therapist. so you need to find someone you trust, you havent said what its related to - perhaps you need to find another organisation which will give counselling which you find more appropriate.