I don't know what to do next

onlyroz

OK well I haven't read all the comments here, but I would like to say that it's pointless going to therapy if you're not willing to participate properly. Why don't you, just for a bit (say a month) make an effort to participate properly. You don't have to tell the therapist anything that you don't want to, but please don't lie to them. Complete any homework that you're given, even if you think it's pointless. And if you're asked a question that you can't answer or don't want to answer - just say so, rather than making up some response that you think they want to hear.

As for the antedepressants - if you've never tried taking then then why not give them a go? You'll probably find that it takes a few weeks before you'd notice any effects, but again, give it a month or two and *then* decide if you want to carry on taking them.

bubble173

I've read through all the replies. Thank you.

I don't take the antidepressants because I don't want to pretend i'm feeling ok. I know i'm not ok. To me it's a quick fix and if I stopped taking them the problem would still be there. The problem needs dealing with properly, not with medication, in my opinion. I say this because it's an event in my life that triggered the reaction and messed my head up, and I feel I need to sort the mess out so to speak before I will ever be ok. I don't want to take tablets for 2 years and then come off them and be back in this situation, which I think I will be, because the problem won't have been dealt with.

An AE is an alter ego. I have another username on here which I post under a lot. But I didn't want to be recognised.

The post that says I think i'm special, no actually. I don't. It couldn't be further from the truth. I have such a low opinion of myself that I struggle to function most days. I can't get out of bed, I struggle to eat, I struggle to talk to people openly because I don't feel worth their time, some days I don't brush my hair or my teeth, or wash, or get dressed because I don't see the point, because i'll still feel the same, and I don't feel i'm worth my own effort, never mind anybody else's. I don't have the energy to feel special or like people are beneath me. I barely have the energy to survive each day.

Regarding family, they've always been unsupportive. There have been times when they've helped a little, but they don't want to listen. I once opened up a little to my mum. She laughed at me. I desperately want to talk to them and make them understand but I don't know how.

I have been with this therapist for about 8 weeks now and it's through the NHS depression support service. I think I'm only allowed to have another 4 sessions with her before i'm supposed to be cured. I struggle to be honest with her, not only because I can't trust her, but because I don't want to be an inconvenience by not sailing through CBT. I want to please her by getting it right and following the norm. I don't want to be a failure at CBT as well as everything else in my life.

I'm sorry if I missed anything. I'm so overwhelmed by the replies and people taking the time to write a reply to me that i've struggled to remember everything said. Thank you for giving me some time from your day.

lindseykim13

I'm not going to pretend to know what i'm talking about but both my parents have had depression at some point. I think you need to help yourself a bit, either follow your therapists route or do things your own way. How about going for a short walk every morning, i know its sounds simple but it can give you some more energy and a bit of a boost to start your day. Like another poster said take up a hobby, gives you a sense of achivement. Do something that you think might help you feel better if nobodys help advice is working for you.

belfastgirl23

I understand where you're coming from but it might be worth reframing how you're seing the antidepressants. I completely see that you don't want to just put a sticking plaster over the wound and continue on. But could you think of it as giving yourself some breathing space from the problem/event? I'm wondering whether it's worth telling yourself that you'll take the ADs for 6 months, to give yourself some healing time. During that time you could try to identify the right therapist who would be able to help you deal with the problem. You might also find that you would feel able to take up some of the threads of the 'normal' life that you want (I'm using that word carefully, there is no such thing as normal, but there is what is normal for you). If the rest of your life feels more manageable then you would be in a far better position to go back and address the original issue.

I don't know what to say about your family. They obviously don't know how to help you - I know it can be incredibly hard to see someone you love go through something very difficult, and minimising their pain can be a way of protecting yourself from that pain too. I guess what I mostly think at the minute is that it's important to be able to function away from them, whether it's via volunteer work, paid work, or some other structured interaction outside of that circle. Again I wonder if you were to take the ADs for a short period of time would it be easier to build this life?

I'm not pushing you to take ADs but rather trying to give a different point of view on what it is that they can achieve for you. I think that you will have to accept that your family are who they are - you can't really change them - and figure out how to build your future in a way that means you have control over how you choose to interact with them.

Lots of luck!

onlyroz

The point of antidepressents is not to mask the problem and pretend you don't have it - they're meant to give you a lift up so that you're then *able* to focus on solving the root of the problem. I don't think anybody would suggest that you just pop the pills and everything will immediately be rosy. I would recommend giving them a try, and at the same time focus on participating more in your counselling sessions - making an effort to participate. Don't worry about "being an inconvenience" - it's the consellor's job to help you but they won't get far if you don't give them an opening.

Nicki

onlyroz wrote: »

The point of antidepressents is not to mask the problem and pretend you don't have it - they're meant to give you a lift up so that you're then *able* to focus on solving the root of the problem. I don't think anybody would suggest that you just pop the pills and everything will immediately be rosy. I would recommend giving them a try, and at the same time focus on participating more in your counselling sessions - making an effort to participate. Don't worry about "being an inconvenience" - it's the consellor's job to help you but they won't get far if you don't give them an opening.

^^^^^^

Exactly what she said!

As an example, I had a really difficult birth with my second child and when I was pregnant with my third child I could not deal at all with the idea of giving birth again, and was getting very ill. I was given a short course of medication to get me in a better mind place, and at the same time we addressed options as to how I would deal with the birth. The medication helped me a lot by giving me the breathing space to deal with the underlying issue which was causing me the illness.

I also had prolonged post natal depression after the birth of my second child, and that wasn't helped by antidepressants, so I know that they do not always work. However unless you try them, you will never know. Whilst the trigger for your depression may have been a life event, the reason why you are feeling as bad as you currently do is because the chemical balance in your brain has been disrupted, and medication can help this. It is a bit like a diabetic needing to take insulin AND watch their diets. Some can manage with one or other approach, but some need both, and anyone with the condition needs to do something. At the moment you are like a diabetic who is refusing to do anything but complaining about feeling awful. Until you give one or both of the treatments available to you a proper try you are unlikely to move forward.

rachbc

with regard the pills - when I was reluctant to take mine for the same reason a freind gave me this analogy - if you had a broken leg you wouldn't not take pain killers because they didn't help the break mend - you take the pain killers to help you get by whilst the cast helps the break mend. The anti-ds aren't there to fix or hide the problem they are there to help you get to a place were you are able to work on resolving the underlying issues.

Tete_en_l'Air

Brilliant analogy Rachbc, that's what I was trying to convey but you've done it so much more eloquently!

podperson

Hi Bubble,
Totally agree with the previous posters - anti-depressants are just a short term solution but they are designed to help you to cope while you are trying to deal with the problem properly. At the moment though you aren't taking the short term fix and aren't truly going along with the long term solutions suggested - so no wonder you are struggling!
You haven't given a lot of details on your MH problems (which is fair enough!) but from what you have said it doesn't sound like CBT is right for you at the moment. You say that something happened to you and I think it sounds like you need counselling to try and come to terms with this rather then CBT as until you feel you can deal with what happened to you then trying to change any behaviours that are a result of this seems a little pointless. I would suggest going back to the doctor and asking to be referred to a counsellor - if you get one like you had last time then ask for another one! Could even be worth going private if you have the money.
Please don't feel that you're worthless just because you're struggling at the moment - we all do sometimes. You're not a failure because you might need some help, just try and take advantage of any help available x

soupdragon10

Bubble don't see taking anti depressants as avoiding the issue or anything like that. I have taken them off and on all my life-having been prescribed them first at 16. At times I have told my GP very firmly that I wasn't in a place where I needed them, at other times they have allowed me to level out sufficiently to take stock of my situation with the firm idea in mind that I would only be on them for a short period.

With regard to your therapist/counsellor - if your depression is a result of some difficulty in the past I cannot see how they expect you to 'get better' over a set number of sessions. CBT certainly doesn't work for everyone, and doesn't solve all kinds of problems.

Someone has given the link for MIND and I can tell you that they are the most non judgemental, caring organisation around. They don't expect anything, but are there to offer help and support or just somewhere to have a cup of tea. If they are anything like our local group there are chances to meet with others who have similar problems (no not group therapy but a chance for social interaction with people who are in a similar situation).

Sitting in a black rubber boat in the middle of the Atlantic at midnight without a torch and no stars is how I describe the way I sometimes feel. You are isolated, with no point of reference, no way forward.

Trust that there will be someone who arrives with a pencil torch giving you a small point of light to aim for. Writing things down has always been easier for me than talking to people about the problem, if this is how you prefer to express yourself, then put down how you are feeling, even if you don't show it to anyone.