I don't know what to do next

sarah*a

*max* wrote: »

It's very easy when you're clinically depressed to think that "nobody will understand", that your problem is so far beyond anything anyone has experienced that there's no point talking about it, because they just will not understand. It's easy to think you're "special", and everyone else is somewhat beneath you, because you feel that the way you think is so very unique and, yes...clever.

What utter rubbish - she's depressed not an teenage Emo :eek: She probably doesn't wear thirty layers of mascara and eyeliner either or listen to The Cure or only wear black clothes :mad:

Anyone who's truly 'clincally depressed' generally doesn't have the energy to think people are below/above/stupider/cleverer than them - they're too busy finding the energy to get out of bed and hide the fact from the world that they can't cope and if anything are more likely to feel they are 'worthless' rather than 'special'. Thinking you are 'special' needs a certain amount of self-pride - something that most in the lowest depths of depression do not have!

*max*

sarah*a wrote: »

What utter rubbish - she's depressed not an teenage Emo :eek: She probably doesn't wear thirty layers of mascara and eyeliner either or listen to The Cure or only wear black clothes :mad:

Anyone who's truly 'clincally depressed' generally doesn't have the energy to think people are below/above/stupider/cleverer than them - they're too busy finding the energy to get out of bed and hide the fact from the world that they can't cope and if anything are more likely to feel they are 'worthless' rather than 'special'. Thinking you are 'special' needs a certain amount of self-pride - something that most in the lowest depths of depression do not have!

Excuse me, but it's far from being rubbish. There is more that one way you can be depressed. Not everyone who is clinically depressed stays in bed all day, or can't get out of the house, or can't talk to anyone. Depression is not skin tight, you can't always tell unless you're very close to the person. Sometimes it's a very obvious illness. Sometimes, it's not. That doesn't make it any less devastating.

I really object to my opinion being called "rubbish" just because I'm going against the grain a bit. There are lots of people dealing with depression, sometimes severe depression, who still interact with people, who still get out of their house. That doesn't mean I'm thinking any less of people who can't do those things. Depression has many, many forms, each one as ugly as the next.

RainbowChild_2

There has been *some* helpful advice here Op and I would recommend printing off your post and showing it to your GP xx Take care xx

sarah*a

*max* wrote: »

Excuse me, but it's far from being rubbish. There is more that one way you can be depressed. Not everyone who is clinically depressed stays in bed all day, or can't get out of the house, or can't talk to anyone. Depression is not skin tight, you can't always tell unless you're very close to the person. Sometimes it's a very obvious illness. Sometimes, it's not. That doesn't make it any less devastating.

Never said it wasn't devastating - never said you had to stay in bed all day when you were depressed - in fact I said that someone who was clinically depressed put their energy into getting out of bed and carrying on as if nothing was wrong.

I really object to my opinion being called "rubbish" just because I'm going against the grain a bit. There are lots of people dealing with depression, sometimes severe depression, who still interact with people, who still get out of their house. That doesn't mean I'm thinking any less of people who can't do those things. Depression has many, many forms, each one as ugly as the next.

Yes - I'm one of them.

What I was calling 'rubbish' was your assuming that she felt superior and you said:

It's easy to think you're "special", and everyone else is somewhat beneath you, because you feel that the way you think is so very unique and, yes...clever.

and:

To put it lightly, you (not you as such, just a figure of speech) are really revelling in the fact that you're somewhat "superior", because nobody would be able to understand, and whatever help they try to give is so incredibly stupid and ill-adapted

I should have made it clearer that I meant that it was 'rubbish' that this was bubbles thinking because in her post she clearly states numerous times that she feels she 'isn't worth it'.

FWIW I probably took it a bit personally because so much of bubbles post resonated with me and I have had people accusing me of being snobby or self-centred or arrogant because I haven't spoken to them at a party/in the street or whatever - whereas the truth is I'm petrified to talk to them because they are so self-assured, popular, 'normal' etc and until I had my OH to stand up for me I would just quietly slip away and cry and the myth became self repeating -so it was a knee-jerk response.

I still stand by my belief that someone with clinical depression doesn't have the internal self-belief to be superior - not unless combined with another MH issue - but outside appearances and impressions can be deceptive.

I just should have explained myself better - My bad

*max*

I'm also guilty of a knee-jerk reaction, and I apologise if what I wrote was taken the wrong way. I only wanted to point out that people's view of depression is generally fraught. I only meant that there are many faces to this illness. I am also one of those faces, and I have experienced the "I'm too clever, you won't get it anyway" way of thinking. I go through all stages, sometimes all in one day. Distress, self-loathing, self-pity, hate, absurdly intense inappropriate love, extreme optimism followed by extreme "what's the point, we're all gonna die anyway" pessimism.

I only wanted to say that sometimes you can retreat into yourself too much. I do that.

Pixiechic

Hi bubble173,

I really feel for you in your situation. Feeling that nobody understands and can't help you. Just because you know that you have an issue that needs sorting does not mean that you will immediatley be able to open up and talk it all through straight away.
http://www.mind.org.uk/ mind is a really good organisation and you could call them for advice. Regarding your therapy, meds and how you feel.
I can understand not taking the tablets and that is okay, its just that your therapist is unaware and you need to tell him/her. The tablets are not a cure all anyway and some people can be 'treatment resistent' to them too. They are also not an exact science and sometimes you have to take many different ones of varying strength before you find one that works. Some also don't like the initial side effects which is perfectly understandable.
If you wouldn't mind, could you possibly explain AE? Is it alter ego? I would like to understand.
What do you feel would help you? What do you need now and what do you think could help in the future? There are different types of therapy and maybe you could ask for a referral from your Dr once you advise that you are not feeling that the CBT is working. How long have you been with this CBT therapist for?
I agree with showing your posts to your therapist and maybe for you, writing things down that you feel hard to say could help. I also agree with the advice of removing all the boxed antidepressants from your house. If you are not going to use them then get rid and don't pay for the prescription!
You sound very bright, you articulate yourself well. You are not alone and people do care as the posts that you have recieved show. It can be difficult to move forward when you don't have the strength. You do owe it to yourself to be honest about how you truly feel and to get the help that you need. Please take good care of yourself and remember that you are not alone.

patchwork_cat

If you genuinely want to get well you have to be honest with the people trying to help you. Why haven't you taken the anti depressants? Why are you lying to the therapist? I don't quite know what to make of your post on the one hand you are saying I want to get well and then on the other are not accepting the help. Tell your therapist, I know they don't listen and maybe therapy isn't going to work for you, or maybe it isn't the right therapy.

belfastgirl23

It seems pretty clear to me that things aren't working for you at the moment. You don't have any faith in your therapist to help you so you need to find another therapist, one who you do feel can help. What's encouraging is that you did have someone in the past who did help you to make real strides so it's possible to find that again. You don't have to get into a blame game with her, if you can just be honest and say that you don't feel that there's a real fit, perhaps you can get a recommendation to someone else.

On the tablets front, can you take a really hard look and ask yourself why haven't you taken them? Is it that you feel you should deal with this yourself? Is it that you don't want to mask the pain, you want to confront it and deal with it? Is it a fear of side effects? Depending on your reasons for not taking them, you can try to figure out how to address this. I'm not saying that you have to take them by the way, just that your reasons for not taking them are important.

I would also say on the family front, if they have a sense that you aren't acting to help yourself (through the therapy and prescription routes) it is understandable that they might feel a bit exasparated, especially if you aren't able to communicate with them why this is the case. I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be upset about it, but again i think it's worth stepping back and asking yourself whether they have never been supportive or whether there's something else giong on here. I think it's a bad dynamic but that you are also partly responsible for this, however inadvertently. So maybe the first step is for you to be honest and tell them if they say something to upset you.

As an aside, have you thought of doing some volunteer work? It doesn't have to be anything very complicated, it could be as simple as sorting clothes in a charity shop, but it is good for you on a number of levels. Acting to help other people is good for the spirit, and getting out of the house and mixing with other people could help to dilute some of the issues you're having with your family.

I think your post here says that you think it's time to do something, change something. Only you can do that. You don't have to do it all at once. But what one thing will you change this week?

Good luck!

Tete_en_l'Air

Bubble I really feel for you. My advice in this situation would be a fresh start. I know you say you've already had a few therapists but you're obviously not getting anywhere with them. See if you can be allocated a new one, and be honest with them from the start, tell them the truth about how you feel and that you haven't always been honest with previous therapists.

As for the pills- the little I know about depression is that it is caused by a number of mix-and-match factors - one traumatic event, a number of external stresses ... and an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. The tablets will help to rectify this imbalance which should hopefully lift you enough so that you're able to tackle the other stuff yourself, so do think about that line of action as well.

You sound as though you've reached a turning point and really want to get yourself sorted so best of luck, and at the very least keep posting here.

Mojisola

The good thing about being given a range of opinions is that bubble173 can look at them all and something will chime with her as being a way she can move forward.

It's obviously going to take a while to get a new therapist sorted out so looking at some self-help measures in the meantime has got to be beneficial. Deciding exactly why the drugs haven't been taken could provide a break-through. Don't dismiss the idea about joining a club - or doing voluntary work, as belfastgirl suggests. It can be very liberating to be among new people who don't know anything about your history. You can be a different person with them - the person you want to be. The extra benefit from doing voluntary work is that you get immediate feed-back from people that you are being useful and helpful to someone else.

There is a way out of the stagnant place you're in. Posting on here probably means you're ready to find it. Feel the good wishes and support that strangers are sending your way and let that lift you up.

This is something that may seem trite but it also may be useful. The muscles that you use to smile are part of a feed-back system in the body - when the feel-good hormones are released, the face muscles move and you smile. If you force a smile, the brain links into that and sends a message that the happy hormones should be in the body and they are released. You can induce your own flood of happy hormones by "smiling" on and off during the day. Try it for five minutes at a time - but maybe in the privacy of your home to start with. Walking around with a forced smile on your face may unnerve people in the street!