Hoping for some support

ERICS_MUM

Hi tugrin, sounds like you've had a good day. I never did manage to ride a bike - I stopped riding when Dad took the stabiliser wheels off my sister's bike when she was seven (i was nine !).

I'm struggling a bit atm, and sorry about this long rambling post but I need to relieve my stress!

Mum (87) was in hospital for a week until Weds with probs breathing and a poss mild heart condition. She's home in her retirement flat now and knows she has to build up her strength and mobility. Doctors say she's not bad at all for her age.

Since Dad died nearly 16 years ago my brother and sister have informally (and independently) decided that I'm responsible for Mum's well-being, as I'm single and now retired since 2009. They both work but hours are flexible.

Sis hasn't spoken to Bro in 18 years so I end up as go-between, trying to arrange a schedule of what they can do to help mum, when they can do it, and how to avoid them bumping into each other. Between them they covered 5 of the 14 visiting sessions when mum was in hospital, I did the other 9.

It sounds so mean but at times I do resent that my life has shrunk to this, I've gradually let go of any social life I had and very often have to change hair appointments, shopping trips etc to help Mum. I upset myself to the point of tears at least once a week. I've been on anti-depressants for some years due to a bad time at work which lead to my early retirement.

Today has been bad, I just can't snap out of my gloom and do anything constructive like gardening, laundry etc. All I've done is sleep, eat jelly babies and some cross stitch. I asked my sis to take me and mum food shopping on Tues morning but she's got a pedicure booked so we'll have to go in the afternoon which isn't ideal because Mum's tired by then. I usually take her but don't always find a disabled badge parking space and mum can't walk far at the moment.

Anyway, I've got a choccie muffin for later with a nice mug of tea, then off to bed with BBC Radio 5 Live (which I have on all night, can't stand silence!).

Thanks for listening !

Linda xx

miggy

Oh Linda I do feel for you. I felt just the same as my sister didn't take the initiative on keeping an eye on Mum, meanwhile I made myself ill trying to cope as she got worse (at that point she was living independently). Finally she had to be taken into hospital (again) and is now in a care home. I haven't completely got over it all but I have some life again.
I just wanted to say you aren't alone. It would be good if your siblings could grow up and sort their problems out for themselves (JMO) instead of leaning on you. I wonder if, like me, you take on the responsibility and don't tell them they need to pull their weight? You do need something for you though... is there a Carers' organisation near you? They can be helpful.

Thinking of you :grouphug:
Enjoy that chocolate muffin!

Byatt

Linda, just wanted to give you a hug too.

:grouphug: we need a thread for just having a vent/moan whatever and group hugs!

Jealous of the chocolate muffin; I haven't had my chocolate fix today...off to search the cupboards...:EasterBun

NeverAgain_2

...when they can do it, and how to avoid them bumping into each other...

I would do the reverse, make sure they bumped into each other in the hope they have a damn good fight and then began acting their age, not their shoe size.

They probably know you are not on top form, and they definitely know their mum is not well, yet they still refuse to rub along.

How selfish can you get?

CH27

Linda speaking from very, very bitter experience you will never change them.
You need to accept you will never change them & stop asking them to do stuff, stop informing them of stuff.
Act like they don't exist.

Accept you are 100% responsible for your mum & coordinate your life accordingly.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I learnt it the hard way after making myself ill over my grandad & mum.

Sending you a big hug.
PM me if you want to talk privately xx

tugrin

Linda
That sound SO soul-gnawingly awful for you I come from a very dysfunctional family too, with lots of falling out and not peaking for years etc -mother being main culprit. However CH is right AND f you do shoulder the responsibility as CH says, you can then begin to accept a different way of life - ie social life as you knew it will NOT be the same but you have support here (I am beginning to feel as if you are all friends on here) so that lessens that vile feeling of isolation. How about SKYPE for existing friends? I use with DD when we're talking and it makes us feel as if we are just in the same room. Sometimes I have the laptop on the kitchen top and cook while we are talking and you can SEE each other.
There is nothing wrong with eating jellybabies and doing cross stitch BUT if you hate silence have the radio on then too. I am NEVER withou mine a a companion and it STOPS ME THINKING TOO MUCH which ha always been my problem. If you don't have a digital radio try and get a cheap one or ak for an older one on freecycle and try RADIO 7 (soon becoming Radio Extra) where you can listen to Round the HOrne, Classic Just a Minute, Science FIction, old Paul Temple series and masses of other stuff with NO NEWS OR BREAKS so no chance to mope about state of world either. I would shrivel up without my radio!
If you have been on anti-depresants for a long time but are still crying regularly can I suggest a visit to GP to either change dose or suggest new one. The world of drugs changes all the time so there may be a better one out there for you. I'm afraid I don't subscribe to the "I dont believe in taking pills" creed. If there is a drug for ANY of my problems I'll take it - doesn't always work but you have got YOURSELF to think of and life is bloody tough enough anyway.
Am rooting for you! X

Byatt

Linda all the posters have given you excellet advice. Like Tugrin I come from a dysfucntional family and wish they could have seen this. CH27 is spot on.

Also does your Dr know you are a carer? That should be on their records as your health is of importance and they have a scheme in which they give you information. Definitely keep the dr informed of YOUR health and how you are feeling. I am a carer of my DD although she lives on her own, but it is draining.

You are not alone. xxxx

ERICS_MUM

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm going to follow all your advice. I'm not again taking anti-depressants and mine haven't been reviewed for a couple of years so that's my first step. My diabetic nurse did tell me about a local carers group so it might help to join.

I've got to the point where I can't face doing anything, so I need to pull my socks up and start anew this spring - what a lovely mild day it is today.

No jelly babies today, I've got a small bag of nuts and raisins instead! I'm also going to choose and apply for some Olympics tickets - I'm only 25 miles from the main stadium so it would be silly not to.


Linda xx

tugrin

Hi Linda
Im so glad you feel a bit better today - its a constant roller coaster this life - buddhists have got the right idea! I thought when I reached the menopause I would no longer be a hostage to my hormones BUT the emotions don't just fade into the background!! What is your cross stitch , cusion cover, picture or something else? I used to do cross stitch with wool way back when but I'm not sure my arthritic old hands will take it now, still you have made me think I might try again. I know I have a big bag of wool and canvas somewhere.
Hope you get the tickets.

ERICS_MUM

I'm sorry to keep hi-jacking Tugrin's thread but you are all so understanding and supportive and I don't know many people like that "in real life".

Further to my earlier whinges about my family's inability or unwillingness to help me care for our 87 y/o mum, I've had a good day and a bad day.

I've just contacted the woman who runs an NHS 8 week course for carers, so fingers crossed that I can get a place within a reasonable time.

Yesterday was bad. I needed my sister to pick up mum and me and take us to Marks and Spencers in the town centre so mum could stock up with food. (I usually drive but can't guarantee a disabled parking bay and mum can't walk far yet.)

I called sis when were were ready to leave mum's and waited the 10 mins it takes her to pop round. An hour later we were still waiting, and when I called her she said she'd been "sidetracked" and got talking to a neighbour. So by the time we got to M&S mum wasn't really bright enough to buy much.

I'm so hurt by this, I can't believe she could put her neighbour ahead of mum and me.