Hoping for some support

tugrin

Hello everyone,
I have managed to rack up credit card debts to the tune of £20000 and have only just come to my senses. I am not young and I am ashamed to say this is the second time this happened in my life. First time my two children were small and it wasn't so huge, but they are adults now and are rather angry with me for being so stupid. My son especially says things like 'we never had things when we were young - you've always been hopeless with money - no I don't want to listen or be involved after all you're the mother and I'm the child' and I don't blame him - it shouldn't be his or my daughters problem. BUT I have thought about it for a long time and I have come to the conclusion that I have been doing all this spending because I am so unhappy and unsupported. I brought up the kids completely on my own from when my daughter was 5 (21 now) - no grandparents or anything ad no support from their father. I have always worked as a teacher and sometimes done tutoring to help make ends meet. But there is now restraining hand - no one to say stop, think what you are doing, now I face working until I am about 72 to pay the mortgag and the debts. I have been in touch with CCCS and have set up a new bank account today so I can have the o/d frozen so I know Ihave made a start. I have also put £2 of loose change in a sealed pot so there will be some money for next Christmas (last one was horrible).
I suppose I am really hoping that some of you will 'gather me up' and become my support group for this rather ghastly journey.
Any ideas on how to save even a few pounds will be very welcome.

bottleofred

Hi Tugrin,

You should post your statement of affairs to get advice on how to save cash, which can then go towards your debts. http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Good luck

Red

YORKSHIRELASS

Hi and welcome along. There is a lot of truth in the saying about debt being very easy to get into and very difficult to get out of - I know because this applies to me. At least you have help from this website and you have made some positive steps to turning things around.

I often think about the stupid financial decisions I made when I was younger and feel really down about it, if only I had been more sensible we would have such a better standard of life now. When I feel like this I tell myself that there are plenty of other people who have never learned from their mistakes and will never lift their heads out of the proverbial sand.

As for family members/other people, try to ignore what they say. Personally I will never tell my brother I am in debt because I know how he would react and it would make me feel worse. Its none of his business and he doesnt need to know. If you need to sound off about things use this forum.

So the way forward is finding positive achievable things that you can do so you feel like you are making progress with the debts. There are loads of challenges on here that might inspire you. I have spreadsheets that I use to keep track of my money and it makes me feel better knowing I am in control. Do you have things to sell on ebay? Even if you dont make much its a great sense of achievement. A spending diary is also great, I write down every single penny I spend and summarise it all at the end of the month.

As you say the journey is not an easy one but if you spend some time reading the threads on this forum you will realise that you are not making it alone. Good luck.

satchmo1

Hi, you've taken the first brave steps to tackling this issue so well done. As a previous poster says, do a SOA (statement of affairs) and you'll get loads of suggestions on where you can cut back.

Your son's reaction is a little extreme . Presumably he is no longer a child? Do both children still live at home, and if yes do they pay a fair proportion towards bills and food? If they're still at home, then they need to see the outgoings and make a fair contribution.

One area that is often easy to prune is food bills. Sign up for the storecupboard challenge on another part of the boards and draw up a mealplan for the week/month based on what is available without spending more than you need to.

Hope to be able to help, both with the money side and with emotional support. Good luck.

dollybeads

Hey Tugrin, welcome to the forum and well done for posting.

Like you, I brought up two children on my own with little help or support and have always been in debt. It is hard, especially when you are on your own, but equally it means that you have complete control of your destiny.

I really thought I was beyond hope, have £35k of debt, but I am still surprised at how much I can save and now put towards debts as overpayments, just by simple and sensible budgeting and spending. Take a look at the Old Style Thread on here, for ideas on household moneysaving, downshifting on your shopping can save you literally £100s per month. Using cash only to pay for things, meal planning, and a spending diary all help me, its really shocking what you can save with very little effort.

As Bottleofred says, if you can post an SOA on here, you will be inundated with very helpful and supportive advice. It has been a lifechanging experience for me.

Wishing you well, be kind to yourself and looking forward to hearing how you get on. Dolly x

chesky369

I've been in both situations - I brought up my children on my own in the 80s and got into financial problems which took a fair bit of time to get out of. I'm now retired and give debt counselling so I can speak from both points of view.

In one way, you're in a better position now than when your kids were smaller - it's probably just you now, you don't have them to worry about new shoes and clothes for, or school trips, or whatever. So you can concentrate on getting yourself out of the hole. I'm going to be a bit tough with you - you say you're unsupported and unhappy. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Why are you unhappy? You seem to have a fulfilling career where you meet lots of people and have the possibility of making friends. A lot of us are unsupported, in fact we are the supporters. You have two grown up children (as do I) who you can have good relationships with.

Can I ask how old you are? It does make a difference when we're thinking about long-term financial planning.

tugrin

Wow thank you all for the welcome!
I will do a state of affairs tomorrow and use my CCCS budget which came through the post box at noon today.
chesky369 - I meant that at the root of all the ridiculous spending there is an unhappiness/dissatisfaction type of thing that seems to make me want to compensate by spending - my current position is in a school where I am actually very disliked by the senior management team and have been subject to a degree of ageism and almost bullying - thats why I feel unsupported I suppose. I am 55 and yes both my children are grown up but daughter is only in second year at university so still comes home. I moved out of town to a village in December 2009 and my son stayed in the town (he never paid a proper rent while he was with me - I think he though I owed it to him for all the 'things they neve got when they were children' -makes him sound horrible which he isn't really). One of the awkward things is the cottage I bought needs quite a bit of work done and I now find myself in no position to pay for this and have limited DIY skills - so I think this is also contributing to the unhappiness - goodnes I sound so gloomy - don't mean to as I am very grateful for the responses so far.

tugrin

Statement of Affairs
Incoming £2089 per month
Outgoings Mortgage £759
Home ins £27
Life and Crit ill - £76

Rates £141 (behind with payments due to go down to £97 in April)
Electricity £80
Water £37
Coal £40
Tel . & Broadband £48 (Think BT is onlt supplier here)
Mobile £13
TV Lic £12
Petrol £160 - likely to go up
Other car inc tax/ins/maint/RAC £84
Household (inc feeding 3 small dogs) £160
Pet care ins vet etc £23
Union £12
Medical £11 Inc eyes and teeth (need regular prescriptions)
Home maint. £25
Emergencies £22
Hardressing and magazines £11

Total £1757 Hope ive included everything
DEBTS

John Lewis PLC £6236
Barclaycard £6231
MBNA £4091
Halifax (o/D) £2650
Builder £450

CCS HAve given me a payback fee of £333 pm

ANY ROOM FOR MANOEUVRE?

NeverAgain_2

Electricity looks high at £80, bearing in mind you are presumably getting some heat from old king coal.

Telephone and broadband also looks high at £48, most packages are around £20, including calls.

tugrin

Yes I realise the electricity is VERY high - but the cottage is old and the open fire does not do a great job so most heating is with elcetric and I do try to be economic - will look around for a better tariff (I have in the past but there doesnt seem to be much difference - may be £5 a month ),
Ther is no where to put an oil tank and quotes ive had for putting in a wood burner to to water and a couple of radiators were between £3000 - £6000 which is ludicrous - cant even just put in woodburner alone as there is an old completely useless back boiler in the fireplace which apparently needs ripping out. I do feel the cold and have arthritis.......

Prudent

I couldn't read just read this and run, but not sure if I can offer much practical advice.

I also am a teacher and have mostly bought up my daughter on my own and know it can be tough. Perhaps when your children have children they will recognise more the sacrifices you have made for them. MY dd is 18 and starting to be aware of just how much I have put into her. In my case I went the other way and have been excessively cautious with money. However the strain of doing a full time demanding job, always trying to find ways to make a bit extra/save and bringing up dd on my own has had a significant impact on my health. I am sure it must be exhausting just thinking about having to continue teaching into retirement age.

Your mortgage looks massive to me at your stage. When does it end? Is it an option to move elsewhere/ to a newer property? I have a close friend with very similar circumstances to me. The difference I notice in our financial positions is that I have a newer property which doesn't seem to be the drain me that her beautiful old cottage is on her. My income is very similar to yours but all of my household outgoings are much lower, a suspect this is in part due to the age of your property (e.g. heating bills). Is the £25 a home maint realistic or do you spend more on emergencies?

Just noticed your life ins/critical illness Do you really need this? My death inservice is 3 x my annual income so over £100,000 plus you could early retirement on medical grounds if you had a critical illness. I have paid off the mortgage, so slightly different situations, but don't pay for any extra life/ critical illlness cover. Might be worth talking to the IFA from your union. You can do this for free.