spending and emotional issues

Byatt

You are all so kind. I am truly touched. I feel like I've taken the first step to admitting my "dirty secret." I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. It's like I'm reall good at showing outwardly that I'm coping, but inwardly I am not, and I feel a fraud.

I woke up this morning and remembered when this started and it shocked me that I had forgotten, or at least only remembered in my head, but not at an emotional level.

I intend to respond to each one of you because you have all helped me. At the moment I have swollen eyes (stress related)...plus nausea, and need to help my daughter...

xxxxx

darwins_mum

I can completely relate to the overspending to boost self esteem idea. Unfortunately all it seems to lead to is more debt. Being in debt fuels our depresion which impacts on our self esteem, which leads us to spend more - until we either get bored of the behaviour and seek help to change or something drastic happens which makes us sit up and take notice. I have never been an over eater, but have certainly consumed a little too much alcohol regularly (my next challenge is to reduce consumption to weekends only).

I had a radical change in behaviour when my debts became unmangeable 18 months ago and the breakup of a long standing relationship. I made the conscious effort to reign in my spending (sometimes will power is not enough and I have fallen off the wagon a few times).
It was a real wake up call when I realised I had cupboards full of clothes that had never been worn, cds and films that had never been played/watched. 2 houses, 2 cars..........
I had simply tried to plug gaps in my life with "things". I realised that the more things you have, the bigger the house you need, oh, and have to do more housework - eugh. I even have a loft conversion to house all of my things! (Currently dreaming of downsizing, but current climate dictates that I rattle around in this house for a while longer).
None of this was giving me any real happiness. I think when we understand the real root cause of our spending addiction, we can make some headway into tackling it.
I have had cbt, not specifically to address spending, but the real reasons have emerged. A very enlightening process.
A bit of self acceptance has gone a long way, along with a little less self flagellation when I fall off the wagon.

Have a great day yall, and lets keep supporting each other, as I think many of us never talk to our nearest and dearest about this issue which sometimes has a profound effect on our lives.
DM

asp746

i remember feeling so depressed when i realised i was in serious debt. most of it wasnt caused by frivolous spending, rather the need to keep afloat because i had a mortgage with two babies and i was working full time so as you can imagine the nursery fees bankrupted me each month so the cc kept me afloat.

anyway, as it was dawning on me that i really need to so something about the mess i was in, i actually went out and racked more up debt - not excessive but smallish things on HP. Like the OP i'm sure this was emotional and i knew once i started sorting the debts i wouldnt be able to spend anymore whether i liked it or not because

a) no one would lend me because of my credit history
b) i wanted to one day get paid and not have to pay it all out in direct debits to loan companies.

anyway, i got there - eventually but it was about 5 years of struggling but fortunately the kids were small and although they went without were too young to understand.

i just think sometimes people need to sink to the bottom before they get the lightbulb moment.

foxgloves

As someone who used to spend money like water (often without all that much to show for it) and has now got on top of it, I can honestly say that there is simply no bag of stuff I could come home with that would make me feel as good as being in control does now. It's hard at first as habits, especially the compulsive ones, are difficult to break and of course slip ups are natural to begin with, but what I've found is that the buzz I got from spending money & that related little burst of self-esteem has now been transferred to a real buzz from staying in control and not spending. It helps self-esteem because if you have always failed at something and keep trying and finally manage to conquer it & replace the destructive behaviour with positive behaviour, then how can it not make us feel better about ourselves? It's difficult to get started, but once you start gettin that first bit of buzz from gradually getting your money under control, it grows into a stronger resolve. I sometimes can't believe the amount of money I wasted over 20 years of overspending. I couldn't go back to it now. I do hope you can slowly start to get on top of this problem. You really WILL start to feel better about yourself if you do, I can promise you that x

TRYINGTOSWIM

your post hit a nerve with me too, as on aper we have enough money coming in,yet are always skint. I regularly sit down work out a budget and swear I will stick to it and yet I waste so much money.
only think that works for me is to transfer all the money for bills etc into seperate accounts leaving the "real "account,and the only one with a debit card empty, so all I can spend is the cash I take out to last us the week.
there is always the temptation when the money runs out to just transfer some from another account and get more cash but I am really trying to stop this.
so your not alone by a long way

Byatt

stokelady, my spending issues are definitely tied up with emotional/psychological problems, so whilst you say the Dr wouldn't be interested, I think you could perhaps discuss it with him/her and ask if you can be referred for counselling. I'm not saying it will happen quickly because with everything, it comes down to money. However, CBT is very much promoted, and as someone else mentions, it was good for them. I have just started a CBT group course a couple of weeks ago. I have no-one else to control my finances. Even with my ex, he abdicated all responsibility even though he knew I had a problem.

destroyerofdebt2011, thank you, that is an excellent idea and one I intend to try. I am sorry about your job. I know what that is like too.

Little bit dizzy, thank you for your lovely post. Yes, it's hard for me to think of the positives about myself. But I will print this thread and pin it to my fridge so I can be reminded daily of the very kind people who are strangers, but take the time to share and support. I will take it up with my counsellor. I have briefly mentioned it before but not in the sense of it being a big problem. Maybe the CBT has in some way, opened up something in me, because, this is truly the first time I have admitted I have a problem to anyone. xx PS, internet shopping is my thing too!

rugbychick81, I wish you the best too.

RecoveringAlchoholic, thank you for the link. I have read it and it's a bit scary to take in, but something I will look into more.

dollybeads, thank you also for your kind and thoughful post. I will try and cut myself some slack. I also agree cash is the way forward. I coped much better when I just used cash and really thought I would continue, but it seems I really do have to work at this.

tlc123, I am on medication and have just started CBT. The meds however, seem not to help the spending, but I need them for the depression. I tried coming off them; strangely, I was better about spending, but spiralled down with the depression. Thank you for your post.

Liquorice Twirls, thank you for the links. I appreciate you posting them. And for your support.

Pink-Angel, thank you for sharing your exprience. (What is LBM?) I have had counselling and I'm in the process of starting again, but I thought by dealing with my past/present issues it would solve the money problem, but that's not happened. I have very low self esteem too, and have described myself as "I'm not a doormat, I'm the dust under the dorrmat." You have offered concrete ideas too, such as not going shopping with friends/window shopping. I think for me that applies to the internet too.

Little_bit_dizzy

LBM is Light Bulb Moment, when it all just clicks into place / become clearer / moment of realisation etc. I suppose it's different for everyone to a certain extent.

I find the boards on this site are great, time for a 'chat' with 'friends', or I suppose reading the words of people who are complete strangers! I can easily lose an hour or two, great for if the temptation of internet shopping is calling...

The support is great too, not only am I repaying debt faster than I thought possible, I have also quit smoking (today is only day 12 so early days) and the help from the boards is amazing. In a funny sort of way these people, most of whom I only know from a made up user name and an avitar, have become friends. I share more intimate details of my financial life than I ever would with my real life friends. I hope the boards go on to help you as much as they have helped me.

Diz x

Byatt

secretshopper75, thank you. I woke up and remembered vividly when major problems started financially. Which is a huge breakthrough for me. I am pretty exhausted. I've been on MSE for a while now, and only dipped into this forum occasionally. I really feel that... I hope that, it is the beginning of something positive for me now that I have "come out." I would never have admitted this before; I'm not sure why I have now...except, I want to change. xx

darwins_mum, thank you for your helpful post; there is a lot there that I can relate to. I realise also I have a lot more work to do on myself. I do agree about finding the root cause also.

asp746, thank you for your response. And is what I want too! xx

foxgloves, I feel excited at the thought of being in control of my finances, thank you for letting me see my future potential.

Tryingtoswim, thank you for sharing and I wish you the best too...we will get there!!

To all of you, again, thank you so much. I will be reading much more here, and starting the process...

SJ1

Hi there

I too found that money just went through my fingers like water. We have plenty and yet I can't save so I have changed thins, it's still not great but its better. I have opted for the 'envelope' system which involves working out what cash you need each week and taking it out and then that is what you have to use through the week. So I have envelopes for 'food', 'lunch money', 'other' (kids bits, toiletries etc), 'misc' and that's it. It gives you an automatic visual on what you have left which I personally find very helpful. I could do a big shop and then go back to Mr Sains and spend £20 on really nothing, and then later in the week pop in and get another few bits and there was another £10 and then I get to the weekend which the money was really for and I have nothing left. This way I can easily see what there is in the kitty. There was a post with Maria's story which is what inspired me. I like it as I am pants with a card, I just forget what I have spent, check online and fall off my chair!

Good luck, don't feel bad there are plenty of people in the same position and most of the time it is tied to feeing better.

S

blackEyes_2

hi ya, i am like this aswell, i try to make up for the things i never had.
My mum was always good with money but didnt have much bringing up 4 children, my dad never really helped her and they separated when i was 17. i'm 26 i still can not forgive my dad for what he put us through.
I had issues in my childhood aswell which my parents dont know about, only my Oh knows. I suffer with very low self esteem, i can be happy and then next minute deppresed.
My 3yo DD, i so wish she has a different upbringing, i try to get her the best things i can but at the same time to know the value of things.
I come from a country in South america, all my family lives there, i get down knowing i have no money to go and see them, my oh is british.
Slowly i got myself into debt, i mean not much like other people but increasing... £1000 at the moment, i am good with number, i just really stick to a budget. It is not easy.