spending and emotional issues

skyvicky123

Bit of a slip up this morning resulting in a £6.00 spend at the garage on way to work (it's a long drive an we set off at 7.30 so often skip brekkie) they do my fav choc croissants and got coke, crisps etc for me and OH. Need to find a quick (no work at all) and cheap alternative.

So sorry to hear everybody is under the weather - there's loads of it about, OH had weird stomach pains which rendered him useless all sat afternoon and evening (you can see how sympathetic I was!) Anyway hope everybody feels better soon xx

Butti

Hello Byatt,

Just picked up your thread from your initial post. I believe, certainly in my case, that over-eating, over-spending and depression are all linked. In my case they are all linked to trying to fill that hole in the middle that should be filled up by a warm and loving childhood. I particularly have issues with aggression from my father, following on from his very critical childhood.

Judging from some of the men I have been out with (that's also a pattern) there is a particular issue if you have a difficult relationship with the parent of the opposite sex. So for me it made me believe (subconsciously - I wasn't aware of it) that all men would hurt me - not really a great stance for forming relationships! It still makes me on a first date get stuck between the urge to kiss him and the urge to run out of that door as fast as possible

So what I believe, and what seems to be supported by some of the posts you have already received, is that you need to try and fill that hole in your life with warmth from other sources (rather than cake, alcohol, or buying things) and from living in the present.

You could also, with counselling support, work through/journal any issues you have from your childhood. 2 books I would particularly recommend to help you do this would be John Bradshaw - Healing the shame that binds you and Benjamin Fry - What's wrong with you.

I would suggest you build closer relationships with some friends, with relatives you like, and do things that you enjoy and that you lose yourself in.

Try to view your body as a machine. One that you are trying to take care of and do the best by. Less by what it looks like or what you are unhappy with.

I hope that helps (and doesn't just sound like a therapy session for me!)

B x

Byatt

Hi everyone, how are you? I'm at my daughter's again. She has had a rough week. Didn't get a job she wanted; put on weight despite being on a diet (I know that feeling well)...:(

I haven't been well most of the week, so haven't been on here except for some of the other forums. I must have a bug of some sort because felt so unwell, since my sore throat. Getting better however.

Butti, your post really gave me something to think about although I have tried avoiding my issues. In some ways I deal with them, but you are right about filling the hole from other sources. I just find it so hard. After my awful let down by my ex and being "abandoned" I find it almost impossible to build closer relationships with family and friends. I really couldn't cope with getting hurt again, so up goes the wall. I'm really a tortoise! I will look at the books you suggested. I am having counselling and CBT is about "living in the present", something I so wish I could do. Thank you for sharing.

As to practical issues, I'm still living on the edge overdraft wise. Hopefully, as I have been checking daily, I won't go over my £350 o/d and thus incur bank charges. I'm also hopeful that by the middle of the month I will be in credit! Still write everything down.

Bratz, did you return the bridesmaid dress?

Vicky, it's so easy to spend £6 in a moment. My worst spend since starting this was yesterday when I went to the pet shop to get fish food...I bought a net, the filter and some dog treats, came to £15! OK I needed the fish food and the net and filter...but dog treats...?? Anyway, seeing it written down made me think. I tried to consider other ways I could have saved, but too late this time. That was more impulse buying rather than targeted buying. I am getting much better at targeted buying in supermarkets, as I have a list and coupons and a pen!:T

However, I have found that I although I bought meat on offer a few weeks ago, and cut it up, put in the freezer, and have used in my slow cooker. I really don't like a lot of meat But have to eat it now. Lesson learned however. Just because it seems a bargain, doesn't mean it is if you don't like it enough!

One of my fave meals that someone suggested on one of the forums is baked beans with a layer of potato and then grated cheese, bake in oven! I love it and it lasts me 2 meals if I have eggs with the second meal and salad!

Also decided that I'm not happy in my cottage and need to acknowledge that. The dampness and cold is getting me down. I am trying to like it and make the best of it and thought I did for a while, but no. And not sure I can cope with another bad winter there. I am on the social housing list but as "someone with no housing need." However I can still bid, and that's what I'm going to do. Who knows, something might turn up in a year or so.:)

Thinking of you all. xxxxx

mildredalien

Hi Byatt,

just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone - I think a lot of people spend when stressed (or tired, frustrated, angry, upset.... you name it!!) I find that when I'm tired or ill all I want to do is order a takeaway and veg out, not think about my budget and whether I have enough money. It's tough being strict!

I haven't read the entire thread but from your last post it seems that people have mentioned CBT etc. Emotional spending is often a symptom of something else and until you start really getting on top of the 'something else' it'll be really hard to change! Not impossible though If you understand the thoughts and feelings that lead to you spending more than you should, you can start doing something about it.

One of mine is 'It's ok, £5 won't hurt'.... oh and 'I don't need to be really strict I can manage my repayments'.... and 'but I'm TIIIRED'. Oh the whining!

Sounds like you are making positive steps though

secretshopper75

Byatt, nice to hear from you, hope that things improve for your daughter soon.

chickilegirl

Byatt wrote: »

It's awful isn't ?



One thing I have remembered is that when ex left, I had to use cash rather than cards (debit)...and I was much better at NOT spending as most of m buying is impulse/stress related. I intended not to use a card when I got back on my feet, but I did start using the card quite quickly. At first I said to myself it was convenience and later well, it was a habit again.

So, I guess I could try the cash only thing. Has anyone else found that worked?
.

I also did the cash only thing when I split up with my husband, it really helped me feel in control of my spending. We'd racked up 11k of debt and some of that was through emotional spending for all kinds of reasons.

Cash only made me realise how much I was spending, having to hand over cash was mind focusing!

Byatt

chickilegirl wrote: »

I also did the cash only thing when I split up with my husband, it really helped me feel in control of my spending. We'd racked up 11k of debt and some of that was through emotional spending for all kinds of reasons.

Cash only made me realise how much I was spending, having to hand over cash was mind focusing!

I was unhappy for quite a few years in the marriage (ex, having affairs, but denying it, so never really got to the truth until the last one and then I found out there were more than I thought, including 2 friends.
Plus giving me an std which made me infertile.) Sigh.

I over spent but it was on family and trying to keep up appearances with my ex. I did work then and although I later started a business, I was ok, and could afford to pay my repayments. When we divorced, well, before that, I was left with everything, even joint debts.

So, what I'm trying to say in my long winded way, is that spending became a habit; something to make me feel better no matter how brief. I justified it by saying I was spending on others.

So, Mildredalien, I come to your post, which made me think. Yes, my emotional spending is a symptom of something else, and you making me think about it, also makes me aware that I know more why I spend than I realised.

It is hard and I do other things though, I realise, like overeating when I don't spend. OCDish behaviour too.

Hi secretshopper! :wave:

Oh I nearly forgot; some good news regarding HB/CTB...I have paid off all my overpayment from a year ago and will get a bit extra now. It won't cover anywhere near my rent or CT, but it's still a small increase and I am so chuffed.

bratz81

Haven't been on here much, partly due to being ill, and also emotional issues going on - row with a friend who I thought was a good friend, but they've turned out to be not who I thought they were.

Byatt, yes I did return the bridesmaid dress and got a refund, so am pretty pleased with myself.

I've no money to spend really until payday, so I've amused myself building a bookcase, rejigging the living room and spring cleaning, as well as sorting out clothes I don't really wear anymore to go to the charity shop. I'm actually feeling good - seems the decluttering of my house is helping declutter my head if that makes sense?

Byatt

bratz81 wrote: »

Haven't been on here much, partly due to being ill, and also emotional issues going on - row with a friend who I thought was a good friend, but they've turned out to be not who I thought they were.

Byatt, yes I did return the bridesmaid dress and got a refund, so am pretty pleased with myself.

I've no money to spend really until payday, so I've amused myself building a bookcase, rejigging the living room and spring cleaning, as well as sorting out clothes I don't really wear anymore to go to the charity shop. I'm actually feeling good - seems the decluttering of my house is helping declutter my head if that makes sense?

Hi Bratz, so glad about the dress It took me a while to realise I could/should return items.

It's funny about friends, I used to think a friend was for life,:cool: but again, realise now that friendships change for any number of reasons, and some friends are for a short time, and others much longer. I think maybe remember the good from the friendship and then accept it as one that was not meant to last, however painful the loss.

My house reflects the state of my mind!! I'm currently trying to declutter too. When I'm at peace with myself I am much more organised and tidy!

Byatt

How is everyone?

Had a bit of a relapse sadly. Things have kind of snowballed with having vet and car bills also. My pooch has cancer and the emotional spending started to kick in as a result and lasted about a week. Have pulled myself up again I hope as I recognised it much sooner than in the past. But somewhat disappointed in myself.

In the process now of looking for casual work with the council for the elections. Not sure I'll be in with a chance this May as I have only just filled out the application form as didn't know about it until a friend told me. Applied for the census jobs and was offered but then didn't like the idea of going round houses at night trying to get people to fill them in! Especially in this rural area.

That's me in a nutshell...