Teenager with no ambition and lives in fantasy world

Caz3121

Fang wrote: »

Firstly - the OP is not his parent.

Secondly - I suggest you read my post in its entirety and not cherry pick the bits you want to be shocked at in order to be so melodramatic.

thanks Fang

a bit off topic...
just to confirm my husband thought he was married for life. The family were all moving abroad together to have a better life, sold their home and shipped everything overseas. Hubby stayed in UK to bank another 6 months salary (and get year end bonus) travelling out regularly. Unfortunately wife had other ideas and once her and the kids were settled went off with another man deciding she didn't want to be married any more. (he then had a breakdown)

Hubby then nearly 40 moved 400 miles to live with his parents in their spare room whilst sending over half his wages every month (she had all the savings, equity etc, he had a bag of clothes) flying out to pick the children up and fly them back etc.

They moved back to the UK about 3 years later and he continued to pay well over CSA rates, travel for kids, school uniforms, school trips, when they were here he would take them out and spend a fortune on plastic on trainers, clothes etc.

When son moved here his underwear consisted of his grandfathers castoffs as his mother had never bought him underwear as she said she could not afford to buy them clothes.

Now hubbies income is zero (fortunately his redundancy payment paid off the majority of debt incurred over the years) I have no issues with supporting 'the family' and am not looking for a medal. Would be nice if his mother even gave her son the odd £5er but he seems to have gone from being a child who cost a fortune to keep (£800 per month maintenance was not nearly enough) to being free.... maybe sarah*a's comment was directed at the mother!

We live in a rented house that we have lovingly furnished over the years from ebay etc, material things are no longer of importance but we feel rich. DSS is by no way unwanted here (he has had that from one parent) we are just trying to help him grow and support him but are getting frustrated in the fact he is so uninterested in things.

and Fang - I did read your full post and think the section AFTER the bit that was bolded in the quote is very valid

sarah*a

Fang wrote: »

Firstly - the OP is not his parent.

No - but her HUSBAND is - when I married my OH it was given that WE would support HIS daughter TOGETHER.

I did not mean to imply that the OP and her OH were NOT supporting him - it was a general reply to your comment which I felt was OTT - and the reason why I thought it was OTT which (in case it wasn't clear) is that 'people' shouldn't have children if they do not want to support them.

Which - just to make it doubly perfectly clear - I do NOT think is the case for the OP and her OH.

Fang wrote: »

Secondly - I suggest you read my post in its entirety and not cherry pick the bits you want to be shocked at in order to be so melodramatic.

I don't think I was being 'melodramatic' and I quoted (and read) your entire post - I highlighted the bits I was specifically referring to - to make it clearer.

Explain to me what in your post did I read wrong? To me it read as if you said:

"Tell him he's costing you too much money and if he doesn't conform then you'll chuck him out of the house to fend for himself daily and if he doesn't like it he can just leave?"

If thats not what you meant then explain what you did mean?

Caz3121 wrote: »

......maybe sarah*a's comment was directed at the mother!......

When I wrote:

sarah*a wrote: »

So treat him the exact same way his mother did then? "You're not working out financially as far as this family is concerned so off you go - have a nice life?"

I was trying to say that Fang's post seemed to be advising you to do exactly what his mother did - chuck him out because he is not a financial asset. Which IMO is heinous - both the mother doing it and the suggestion that you do it too.

Yes he needs rules - it is not unfair for you to have the 'not under this roof' approach. If you want him to make sure he is up and out of bed by a certain time, does certain chores for the family/around the house etc, makes a concerted effort to either find (and stick) at a college course and/or find a job then thats all for the good.

But he won't do anything if it's followed up with '......or you can find yourself somewhere else to live'.

(again - just to clarify - No I don't think this is what the OP has suggest she will do but it is what I interpreted Fang's advice to be.)

Again - good luck :cool:

Fang_3

sarah*a wrote: »

No - but her HUSBAND is - when I married my OH it was given that WE would support HIS daughter TOGETHER.

I did not mean to imply that the OP and her OH were NOT supporting him - it was a general reply to your comment which I felt was OTT - and the reason why I thought it was OTT which (in case it wasn't clear) is that 'people' shouldn't have children if they do not want to support them.

Which - just to make it doubly perfectly clear - I do NOT think is the case for the OP and her OH.



I don't think I was being 'melodramatic' and I quoted (and read) your entire post - I highlighted the bits I was specifically referring to - to make it clearer.

Explain to me what in your post did I read wrong? To me it read as if you said:

"Tell him he's costing you too much money and if he doesn't conform then you'll chuck him out of the house to fend for himself daily and if he doesn't like it he can just leave?"

If thats not what you meant then explain what you did mean?



When I wrote:



I was trying to say that Fang's post seemed to be advising you to do exactly what his mother did - chuck him out because he is not a financial asset. Which IMO is heinous - both the mother doing it and the suggestion that you do it too.

Yes he needs rules - it is not unfair for you to have the 'not under this roof' approach. If you want him to make sure he is up and out of bed by a certain time, does certain chores for the family/around the house etc, makes a concerted effort to either find (and stick) at a college course and/or find a job then thats all for the good.

But he won't do anything if it's followed up with '......or you can find yourself somewhere else to live'.

(again - just to clarify - No I don't think this is what the OP has suggest she will do but it is what I interpreted Fang's advice to be.)

Again - good luck :cool:

Obviously you have trouble reading and connecting different sentences.

Fang wrote: »

I think you need to sit him down and show him your spreadsheets and make him understand exactly how much he's costing you. Then you need to explain to him that the money isn't the issue, but you won't pay for him to throw his life away, so unless he goes to college every day, and earns his own money (and saves it in an account you can check) that he'll have his keys taken from him, and he'll be turfed out of the house before you go to work, and won't be let back in until you've returned home, and then he'll have no access to the internet, and he can handwash his own clothes.

You're making life too easy for him. Yes, it's awful that his mother doesn't want him, and he deserves understanding but he needs to know that that doesn't entitle him to a free ride in your house. He needs to shape up, or ship out.

He's not a child. He's nearly 18, and he's throwing his life away. No decent parent will allow their child to do that.

sarah*a

Fang wrote: »

He's not a child. He's nearly 18, and he's throwing his life away. No decent parent will allow their child to do that.

No decent parent will threaten to throw their child out when they are struggling. I don't care how old he is.

I'm not suggesting they sit back and watch him throw his life away - obviously you are having a problem reading my posts if thats what you think I am saying. He needs their help and threatening to make him homeless and penniless is not help - it's burying heads in sand and hoping it will go away.

Threats and ultimations rarely work.

Look - we obviously disgree - so lets just leave it there. None of it is any help to the OP.

Apologies to OP for the derailment of her thread.

red_devil

thats bullcrap that no decent parent would ask their teenager to leave home if they were being a nightmare and rude and lazy etc.

A kick up the backside is what some need. They dont have the right to make other members of the family lives a misery. Seems this teenager has gone through his life like this. The world dosent revolve around him.

Caz3121

Thanks all - it is not a case of ship up or shape out but he does indeed need a kick up the backside and some view of the real world otherwise we may be in the same position in 5-10 years time (as other posters with lazy brothers have demonstrated) I would not like to be a teenager with little in the way of qualifications entering the real world in the current climate but he has not quite grasped that you don't just decide what you are going to do and then it is all handed to you on a plate. We just want to get through to him what is and is not acceptable behaviour reducing the stress levels at home.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sounds horrible.

Perhaps you may be being a bit hard on his mother, saying that she can't be bothered with him, etc, when it sounds like he was probably exactly the same there then, when they said enough was enough, he decided to go running to you two for a cushty little number instead.

Caz3121

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Sounds horrible.

Perhaps you may be being a bit hard on his mother, saying that she can't be bothered with him, etc, when it sounds like he was probably exactly the same there then, when they said enough was enough, he decided to go running to you two for a cushty little number instead.

He didn't actually come running to us he had no choice in the matter. We got a text from his mother telling us he had to leave and would need to move here.
The relationship between any parent and child is an important one. My husband went through years of being guilt tripped about how often he saw the children - they were here every Christmas, summer and half terms but the odd weekend was not practical (both from the fact as they got older they had social lives with their friends as well as the cost aspect although he did on occassion go down and stay in a hotel to spend some time with them in between school holidays) He was told that she could never go that length of time without seeing her child and if she could not afford it she would walk...DSD was here for October holiday, Christmas and will be back in a couple of weeks for half term then Easter (tesco vouchers for airmiles) as we do miss her loads and she misses her brother and although DSS would like to go down to visit his friends he has been told he will need to find somewhere else to stay if he choses to go down. (he spoke to his grandfather about staying with him but he doesn't want to get involved) He felt very rejected and we worked hard on making him feel welcome and that this is his home. I think he is finding life not as 'cushty' as down there as we make sure he goes to college etc whereas if he didn't feel like attending before he just didn't go.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's not as if she has dumped a bewildered 7 year old on you, she has refused to tolerate behaviour which is unacceptable to you as well. He obviously wasn't prepared to change to stay there, so it would seem to me that she felt she had no choice but to contact your OH and say he needed to take him. At least he wasn't on the streets and she knew your OH was man enough to give him a place. Perhaps she had already tried to force him to go to college.


My now 18 year old lives with her father because she thought everything would be great there after I insisted she either went to college as she claimed to be doing or got a job - instead she wanted to spend all day in her boyfriend's bedroom as he stayed off college as well. When she refused to do either, her father took her (but told relatives that I had no interest in her, only wanted the benefit money, boyfriend came before his child, blah, blah).

She now still doesn't bother with college, her attendance has dropped from the 80% it was here to 42% now she is there. He hasn't a clue what to do - but she has learned to manipulate him with guilt about not being there for her, so all she says is things like 'But Daddy, I feel so tired, I just fell asleep when waiting for him to get his college bag and he didn't want to wake me up'. And he falls for it.

Some teenagers are bone idle, not because of their parents, but just because they have learned how to scheme and manipulate others around them, whether by tantrums, or being ill permanently, or being evasive. Laying down the law just results in them moving on to the next victim.


Please, I'm not having a go at you - I am saying that his mother may not be to blame and you could be in for a bit of a power struggle. Which could leave both you and your OH hurt.

RAS

Hi

Can we keep to the issue in hand, the OP SS?

His sister has already been told that she will be leaving home because she is not wanted either. She does not seem to have the sort of problesm her brother exhibits?