Teenager with no ambition and lives in fantasy world

ska_lover

Caz3121 wrote: »

I will start by saying I know that many of these traits are inherrant with teenagers and really looking for some guidance on best way to deal.

some background
DSS (17, nearly 18) came to live with us last year as his mother told him to leave (mix of things - he had wanted to move here at 16 and she would not let him as (in her words) she could not afford to lose the money she got for him - maintenance, tax credits, housing etc then when they were all due to stop she told him he would need to go - together with him not getting on with her then-current live in partner) He misses his friends (we are 400 miles away) and it has been a difficult move for him dealing with the rejection from his mother who has shown little interest in keeping in touch with him since he has gone.

Anyway, he managed to get into college for a one year IT course which started last summer and he has a couple of part time jobs. None of which he can be bothered with. Given a free reign his ideal week would be playing xbox every night till 3-4am then sleeping all day doing nothing.

He has no idea what he is going to do when college is up (not unusual at 17 I know) but has no ambition or passion for anything. In the past few months we have heard

Wants to be a web designer (but can't be bothered staying in college to do a course on it)
Wants to be a piecer!
Managed to change a screen on an iphone so thinks he can run a business fixing them
Wants to live in New York (when asked what he would do there - the response was "live on benefits")
Get a well paid full time job in a bank and drop out of college

The only thing he is interested in is getting a car and spends hours looking at cars and insurance quotes...it is pretty obvious to all but him that this is a fantasy but he seems to think it will be happening soon (has taken lessons, failed test once and has rebooked) Constantly makes comments about friends whose parents have bought them cars and paid their insurance.

When we try to get him to talk about ambition, college, career etc he just tells us to "get off his back"

I think the difficulty is that since his mum went off with another man (10 years ago) he has seen that people get things for nothing without having to work for them. She has not worked full time since before he was born and does a couple of nights in a bar but with benefits, maintenance and live in partners was able to live quite comfortably. All his family on that side are/were self employed so the concept of being a wage slave did not apply. Very few of his peers that he grew up with have jobs.

Financially we struggle - hubby was made redundant middle of last year and we have my wage and the child benefit (no tax credits or maintenance) my wage covers the rent, bills and food - just!

It is very frustrating to sit and watch a young man (all be it very imature) that could have so much potential waste his life. He has been asked if he wants to go on holiday with a group of friends but says he can't as he is saving for his car (has about £15 saved so far)

Hubby and I have spoken and are both of the opinion to let him do what he chooses regarding college/work but the choices will be to stay in education or get a full time job (no option for dole) we are pretty sure after a couple of years in a dead end job he will grow up and start to consider his future.

Is it unreasonable to have the "not under this roof" approach? Yes it is his life but we would not want to sit and watch him doss about all day. He rarely attended school (failed most of his exams) or his last college before he moved and no-one gave him a hard time there so he things we are being unreasonable expecting him to attend every lesson

His uncle spoke to him about the forces but his view is no way and he is not going to have someone tell him what to do

teenagers!

Oh gosh, this could have been me posting this exact thing last summer. I was completely at my wits end with my 18 year old lad. He left school with hardly any qualifications then spent the next two years doing a half a*sed job of attending college. When he tried to go back for a third year they turned him away and I didn't blame them - let some kid who wanted to learn take the place. My son was rude, abnoxious and thought the world owed him a living. He would be up all night playing his computer and sleeping all day. He totally refused to help out around the house and the endless arguments we had was unbelieveable. I work in a stressful job so to come home after a 12 hour shift to an argument is not good on a regular basis like it was.

Now eight or nine months later, we have turned a massive corner with him, it is like he is a different person, he has got a full time job, is paying board, has already been accepted on a 'access' to teaching course in september - and when he starts that he will continue to work part time and no more disrespect or backchat. I can't tell you the reason he turned it round and got a job, and started to think more about what he wants to do in the future. I think all teenagers go through this 'dossing' period and it can literally make you ill living with them when they are like that, the stress of it all drove me absolutely mad. I used to dread coming home, but thats all over now thank god.

It is so NOT unreasonable to have the 'not in my house ' approach - you have got to show him who is boss and it is YOU that pay their bills - when things were at their worst last summer I drew up a list of house rules and the punishments if they arent followed and made him sign it. Whenever there was an 'infringement' of the house rules, there would be no discussion or argument, i would just go and remove his internet connection and games console from his bedroom.he was meant to job search each and every day and One day I came home from work at lunchtime and he was still laying his bed so i told him to get dressed and go OUT of the house looking for work and took his key off him unti i came in from work. He realised I was serious at this point.

You can only tell him his options about the future, you cant force him to do anything, but i sincerely believe that things will come good in the end for you.

Jinx

I must admit when I was a teenager I hated the 'my house my rules' line - but that was probably because I worked full time and paid a third of my wages in digs every friday night and paid my own travel, went to work on time etc...

To me its less about what you say and more about what you do... My daughter wasnt allowed the internet in her room and when we went wireless my hubby would turn it off at 11pm so she couldnt be online all night (shes now 19 at uni) This meant she could spend hours on facebook pre 11pm but could at least get some sleep!

Also re the bills etc, she didnt have any money except pocket money for most of her teens, so when she wanted to go to cinema etc she got a part time job to fund it! I also did not get her up for college or tell her to get ready for work. As a nearly adult I let her sort it knowing lateness/no attendance meant no pay/no course. So I would remove 'perks' in the way of any money to go out, lifts where there is public transport etc.

Of course if not at college then a full time job is necessary to help with household bills, or all claimed benefits. He needs to make his own decisions and live with a few consequences in my opinion...

ska_lover

Jinx wrote: »

I must admit when I was a teenager I hated the 'my house my rules' line - but that was probably because I worked full time and paid a third of my wages in digs every friday night and paid my own travel, went to work on time etc...

To me its less about what you say and more about what you do... My daughter wasnt allowed the internet in her room and when we went wireless my hubby would turn it off at 11pm so she couldnt be online all night (shes now 19 at uni) This meant she could spend hours on facebook pre 11pm but could at least get some sleep!

Also re the bills etc, she didnt have any money except pocket money for most of her teens, so when she wanted to go to cinema etc she got a part time job to fund it! I also did not get her up for college or tell her to get ready for work. As a nearly adult I let her sort it knowing lateness/no attendance meant no pay/no course. So I would remove 'perks' in the way of any money to go out, lifts where there is public transport etc.

Of course if not at college then a full time job is necessary to help with household bills, or all claimed benefits. He needs to make his own decisions and live with a few consequences in my opinion...

Oh god yes, i must admit i hated the 'its my house - my rules' speach when i was a teenager. I can still hear my dad saying 'not while your living under my roof'! I really got to the point with my lad where I had tried everything. Its so exhasperating - I was so shocked as well because as a child he was so sweet and then they turn into these sweaty teenagers haha! In a way I am glad that I only had the one child, so I won't have to go through that again!
Removing perks is a very good idea.

Fang_3

I think you need to sit him down and show him your spreadsheets and make him understand exactly how much he's costing you. Then you need to explain to him that the money isn't the issue, but you won't pay for him to throw his life away, so unless he goes to college every day, and earns his own money (and saves it in an account you can check) that he'll have his keys taken from him, and he'll be turfed out of the house before you go to work, and won't be let back in until you've returned home, and then he'll have no access to the internet, and he can handwash his own clothes.

You're making life too easy for him. Yes, it's awful that his mother doesn't want him, and he deserves understanding but he needs to know that that doesn't entitle him to a free ride in your house. He needs to shape up, or ship out.

sarah*a

pupsicola wrote: »

It sounds to me as if he is suffering from depression too. My cousin was treated in a similar way by his mum. To know that you are only under their roof whilst benefits are coming in and then got rid of must be awful. It would knock any confidence you have in yourself and your self worth.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

The essence of it is that mother kept him because he had a use bringing in money and got rid of him when that stopped.

The effects are 2 fold. Firstly, his own sense of self worth will be damaged by this and second, his approach to money and earning will be very much influenced by the observed behaviour.

There are no simple answers to this situation. But everything you consider doing with and for him has to take the effect of these factors into account.

Anything which starts off on the simple premise of expecting him to contribute is probably doomed. Logically, he is just going to see it as an extension of using him as a meal ticket. Any person of his age who knows that they are valued in their own right will naturally be pleased to grow up and to put something into the pot. But making him put something into the pot will not overcome the feeling he is not valued in his own right.

I agree he sounds depressed

Up until all hours mindlessly focusing on one thing then unable to concentrate the next day. Especially if it something he's not convinced himself about - BUT can get up and motivated if it something he really wants (ie: driving lessons)

Please try and get him to speak to a GP/councillor. He maybe bottling stuff up and doesn't want to burden YOU with it as he feels he is burden enough.

They can be sensitive souls underneath all that teenage boy stuff

I just want to reach in and give him a hug for what he's been put through re: his mother and give you (OP) a hug for having to deal with the aftermath.

If you do sit down to talk to him - family council or whatever - try not to focus only on the 'you must do this , this and this' but tell him - repeatedly - that you are happy he is with you and part of your family. Please try not to say things like 'IF you stay under this roof you must do this' - yes you should have rules that should be kept and suitable 'punishments' should they be broken - but don't make him feel like you will throw him out if he doesn't obey - he's been through that already.

I would be interested in seeing whether his sister has any personality changes if/when she joins him to live with you. It's one thing to say they can deal with it but when actually faced with the reality that - through no fault of your own - your parent doesn't want you around now that you are no longer fiancially viable - well thats another thing. Take it from one who's been there

Good Luck x

sarah*a

Fang wrote: »

I think you need to sit him down and show him your spreadsheets and make him understand exactly how much he's costing you. Then you need to explain to him that the money isn't the issue, but you won't pay for him to throw his life away, so unless he goes to college every day, and earns his own money (and saves it in an account you can check) that he'll have his keys taken from him, and he'll be turfed out of the house before you go to work, and won't be let back in until you've returned home, and then he'll have no access to the internet, and he can handwash his own clothes.

Really? :eek: A child is it's parent's responsibility - if you don't want to pay for it's living expenses spend a few pennies on a condom but don't blame the child later on.

Yes he needs encouragement but by making him feel completely unwanted he's going to care less and less and be more inclined not to give a damn!

You're making life too easy for him. Yes, it's awful that his mother doesn't want him, and he deserves understanding but he needs to know that that doesn't entitle him to a free ride in your house. He needs to shape up, or ship out.

So treat him the exact same way his mother did then? "You're not working out financially as far as this family is concerned so off you go - have a nice life?"

ailuro2

Call a family meeting, state the facts - that he is wasting his time at college, will not be able to study indefinitely, will not get a car if he has no job, that money is very tight for the family, that he is not learning to be independent because you are looking after him as if he were a child....

give him some input into it, ask him if he wants to be treated like an adult or a child.

He can have the choice between doing as the adults of the house say ie no Xbox till 3am, helping with housework, studying

or

He can be treated like an adult, come and go as he pleases, have independence to come and go as he pleases but needs to respect the rules of the house just as a lodger would. He does his own laundry / shares the cooking and shopping like a roomshare would, and he pays rent for his room.


If you give him the choice he might think he's being clever whichever one he chooses....

but you have to do something, leaving things as they are sounds awful for you and his Dad.

btw, what is your DH doing while his son is lying in bed sleeping?

Caz3121

ailuro2 wrote: »

btw, what is your DH doing while his son is lying in bed sleeping?

he has no problem with him sleeping when he is not meant to be at college so it is 4 mornings a week we have a battle until he is up and out the door. Hubby has been attending interviews etc and I have the ability to work from home so we make sure one of us is here to make sure he gets up and leaves.

We have had a lot of issues with hubbies health in the past 8 months (since jobless) he has been in hospital for over a week on 3 ocassions, once was 10 days in high dependancy and it has been stressful for all, made more frustrating by the fact that they have still not got to the bottom of the cause.

Regarding the xbox, initally when DSS moved here he never sat in his room and every evening the three of us sat in front of the tv all going to bed at a reasonable time. He misses his friends from down south and initially we were pleased for him having this contact and spending time in his room with them 'virtually' but think we will need to go for internet off at a sensible time for college nights. We don't want to treat him like a little child but he seems too imature to be treated as an adult.

sarah*a we had also thought of depression and he does bottle things up and not want to talk about things like feelings. He had some tearful times not long after he moved here as he had no friends here and was missing his mates and I think that generated a lot of anger towards his mother.
He has a friend from down south coming up for his half term week, although younger this guy seems to have his head screwed on and has himself a good mechanics apprenticeship with a big company so might be a good influence when spending time with him

We really want to help him find his way, I know young people need to make their own mistakes to learn from the (gosh I sound old) the world is scary enough out there for people that work hard and are focussed but the can't be bothered attitude with life worries me as there are mental health issues in the family (his mum took an overdose last year after an argument with her boyfriend) however, as has been said in many responses, it could be just a teenage thing.

This is all more about helping him than us however we all have to live together in some sort of harmony

slightlyconfused1

Hi

I went through a similar thing with my ds. He was still at school but had completly turned off. We just couldn't reach him and life was horrible. We tried really hard to pick our battles wisely and support and encourage him but nothing worked.

He turned around completely when he went for a visit to a University and saw the lifestyle of the students. He decided he wanted that life and was going to have it. (He does and is loving life). Maybe if your stepson comes across something he really wants then he will actually work to get it. It sounds like he enjoys cars. We have a scheme here where the kids aged 16 and over can rebuild and fix cars. If he got into something like that (they test drive them too) he may decide that he is prepared to work to get what he wants.

When my ds was at his worst we "encouraged" him to get a part time job by refusing to pay for extras. We were desperate to get him to do something, anything, rather than stay in his room. He could then buy what he wanted without having to ask us. It reduced financial tension and also, as he had no responsibilities, he really got to enjoy the money he earned.

I often wondered what he really felt about that (communication was not his strong point at that time). I found out last week that he had been encouraging his 16yr old cousin to go and get a part time job and gain some independence. My sister told me that he had said that it was one of the best things he ever did. (proud mother moment)

My point is that only your stepson can turn himself around and if he finds something that he really wants he will go for it. The challenge is finding that one thing...

Fang_3

sarah*a wrote: »

Really? :eek: A child is it's parent's responsibility - if you don't want to pay for it's living expenses spend a few pennies on a condom but don't blame the child later on.

Yes he needs encouragement but by making him feel completely unwanted he's going to care less and less and be more inclined not to give a damn!

So treat him the exact same way his mother did then? "You're not working out financially as far as this family is concerned so off you go - have a nice life?"

Firstly - the OP is not his parent.

Secondly - I suggest you read my post in its entirety and not cherry pick the bits you want to be shocked at in order to be so melodramatic.