Teenager with no ambition and lives in fantasy world

Caz3121

I will start by saying I know that many of these traits are inherrant with teenagers and really looking for some guidance on best way to deal.

some background
DSS (17, nearly 18) came to live with us last year as his mother told him to leave (mix of things - he had wanted to move here at 16 and she would not let him as (in her words) she could not afford to lose the money she got for him - maintenance, tax credits, housing etc then when they were all due to stop she told him he would need to go - together with him not getting on with her then-current live in partner) He misses his friends (we are 400 miles away) and it has been a difficult move for him dealing with the rejection from his mother who has shown little interest in keeping in touch with him since he has gone.

Anyway, he managed to get into college for a one year IT course which started last summer and he has a couple of part time jobs. None of which he can be bothered with. Given a free reign his ideal week would be playing xbox every night till 3-4am then sleeping all day doing nothing.

He has no idea what he is going to do when college is up (not unusual at 17 I know) but has no ambition or passion for anything. In the past few months we have heard

Wants to be a web designer (but can't be bothered staying in college to do a course on it)
Wants to be a piecer!
Managed to change a screen on an iphone so thinks he can run a business fixing them
Wants to live in New York (when asked what he would do there - the response was "live on benefits")
Get a well paid full time job in a bank and drop out of college

The only thing he is interested in is getting a car and spends hours looking at cars and insurance quotes...it is pretty obvious to all but him that this is a fantasy but he seems to think it will be happening soon (has taken lessons, failed test once and has rebooked) Constantly makes comments about friends whose parents have bought them cars and paid their insurance.

When we try to get him to talk about ambition, college, career etc he just tells us to "get off his back"

I think the difficulty is that since his mum went off with another man (10 years ago) he has seen that people get things for nothing without having to work for them. She has not worked full time since before he was born and does a couple of nights in a bar but with benefits, maintenance and live in partners was able to live quite comfortably. All his family on that side are/were self employed so the concept of being a wage slave did not apply. Very few of his peers that he grew up with have jobs.

Financially we struggle - hubby was made redundant middle of last year and we have my wage and the child benefit (no tax credits or maintenance) my wage covers the rent, bills and food - just!

It is very frustrating to sit and watch a young man (all be it very imature) that could have so much potential waste his life. He has been asked if he wants to go on holiday with a group of friends but says he can't as he is saving for his car (has about £15 saved so far)

Hubby and I have spoken and are both of the opinion to let him do what he chooses regarding college/work but the choices will be to stay in education or get a full time job (no option for dole) we are pretty sure after a couple of years in a dead end job he will grow up and start to consider his future.

Is it unreasonable to have the "not under this roof" approach? Yes it is his life but we would not want to sit and watch him doss about all day. He rarely attended school (failed most of his exams) or his last college before he moved and no-one gave him a hard time there so he things we are being unreasonable expecting him to attend every lesson

His uncle spoke to him about the forces but his view is no way and he is not going to have someone tell him what to do

teenagers!

sock-knitter

no real advice, but just wanted to give you a (((hug)))
i have twin teenage boys, and wen i mentioned the army to them, they said i'm not off to get shot lol
what is it with teenage boys and cars, thats all mine are interested in too

gonzo127

its very difficult as the only person who can help his motivation is him, i do not think you are being hard on him and to be honest i would be going down the not under my roof thing and have always worked on the you dont get anything for free, if you want something it has to be earned

now something to consider

college attendance - he either goes to college or does most of the chores in the house whilst he is at home, if he does neither internet access etc gets cut at 9-10pm and not put back on untill the morning and other privledge's withdrawn

USE THE CAR - if you can afford it
give the option of something like cash for HIGH grades of course set the values yourself on what you can afford but make them as good as you can ~£200 for a A* or distinction would probably get his attention however if it is a C or just a pass he only gets like £25 and anything less is nothing
OR
what ever he can save within a set period you will double to help pay for his car and insurance (you can always say you will pay the insurance and can then pay by installments so its not as big of a lump sum you have to sort out)

if he does decide that job seakers allowence is the way to go - remind him gently that in the near future he will have to start paying board which will take most of the JSA

SkintBrideToBe

Aww i feel for u, it must be so hard trying to raise a teenage boy. I dont have much advice huni except to say my brother is now 26 and hes still like this. Its so frustrsting. I married his best friend, (hes also 26) and he worked all his life, went to uni and now has a good job and we have a lovey wee family.
However my brother doesnt seem to want any of this. He has a gorgeous girlfriend of 6 years and i even think shes getting fed up of him dossing around.
He had a job in the job centre for 2 years but he was never on time for work and took random days off. So when this job ended he has done absolutely nothing since. He sleeps all day til at least 3pm, and sits n plays Xbox all night and drinks. Its so sad and i know hes smart and could offer a lot if he got off his backside. And hes still living at my mums too paying absolutely nothing towards his keep.
Just that u dont want this with ur dss to drag on until he ends up living a life like my brothers. Its such a tragic waste of young opportunity.

You guys are already doing great taking him in and it seems you are lovely and being very patient with him. Just dont let him take advantage of u guys and think he can live off u all his life. Keep up the good work huni xxx

POPPYOSCAR

I don't think it is a given that his background is influencing him.From what I have seen this seems to be the attitude of quite a few teenagers even from those whose parents have worked hard all their lives. It seems to be society saying to everyone you can have it all and you should have it all without seemingly having to put yourself out for it.

You are IMO quite right to lay down your ground rules of education or job,
don't feel guilty about it.It is his home but your house and your rules should apply.

GEEGEE8

I would call a family meeting.

Tell him that he needs to start contributing to the household as you cannot afford things as they are.

I sounds as if he's never been giving any guidance from his mum, and this means he just has no motivation to do anything.

I would also get the internet turned off after you guys go to bed, and don't put it back on until you get in from work, or when you need it. Or just change the network password.

You need to get him so bored that the thought of college or a job is better than sitting at home with nothing to do.

pupsicola

I think this kid is crying out for a bit of tough love. Your description of how he has been brought up and the influences he has had explain alot of his behaviour and approaches. He hasn't seen his mum having to work.

Thing is does he really just want to get by or with a bit of realism could he be made to see what you can achieve and the lifestyle you can have, by applying yourself and working hard.

Not many teens like to listen to their parents/step parents saying it how it is. Is there a family member or a friend who could have a chat with him.

It sounds to me as if he is suffering from depression too. My cousin was treated in a similar way by his mum. To know that you are only under their roof whilst benefits are coming in and then got rid of must be awful. It would knock any confidence you have in yourself and your self worth.

ticklepenny_2

This is almost the exact description of my brother. My parents always pushed me to work hard but didnt do the same with my brother (he is still living at home rent free at 25 and I moved out at 18 lol).

If he is into games would it be worth looking at being a games tester? With a view to becoming a games designer? A few of my friends have managed to do this and they love their jobs. They have gone from being complete layabouts to workaholics who own their houses outright at 28/29 lol. The transformation was amazing.

It does just seem to be a case of finding something they really want to do, not just that they like the sound of.

Also if he does leave college and go to work, charge rent. My mum charged me more than she needed (whilst working P/t at college) and put the surplus into savings. When I then moaned about not being able to afford a car/ deposit to move out she gave me the savings as a reward for working hard. My brother is annoyed that my mum hasnt given him any money, but he's only just started working and still doesnt pay rent so he isnt due anything.

Crikey much longer post than I intended, but I hope some of my waffle is helpful

red_devil

Does he stay in touch with his mum. I know some teenagers who dont bother with there parents then say they have been rejected?

Its your house make rules about the x box and how long its on for after all i presume you are paying for the leccy. Better still sell it and then he will have some more money. These games systems seems to make people lazy and cause alot of trouble or can do if they are overused. Do people need to be sat on there all the time. How about getting out and playing some proper sports and learning to be part of a team.

DVardysShadow

Caz3121 wrote: »

some background
DSS (17, nearly 18) came to live with us last year as his mother told him to leave (mix of things - he had wanted to move here at 16 and she would not let him as (in her words) she could not afford to lose the money she got for him - maintenance, tax credits, housing etc then when they were all due to stop she told him he would need to go - together with him not getting on with her then-current live in partner) He misses his friends (we are 400 miles away) and it has been a difficult move for him dealing with the rejection from his mother who has shown little interest in keeping in touch with him since he has gone.

The above really stood out for me when I read it. The essence of it is that mother kept him because he had a use bringing in money and got rid of him when that stopped.

The effects are 2 fold. Firstly, his own sense of self worth will be damaged by this and second, his approach to money and earning will be very much influenced by the observed behaviour.

There are no simple answers to this situation. But everything you consider doing with and for him has to take the effect of these factors into account.

Anything which starts off on the simple premise of expecting him to contribute is probably doomed. Logically, he is just going to see it as an extension of using him as a meal ticket. Any person of his age who knows that they are valued in their own right will naturally be pleased to grow up and to put something into the pot. But making him put something into the pot will not overcome the feeling he is not valued in his own right.

Caroline_a

Does he have a girlfriend? I have worked with a lot of teenage boys, and find that a steady girlfriend seems to focus their mind wonderfully Particularly if she's hard working... although if he isn't it may not last long!