Teenager with no ambition and lives in fantasy world

mrcow

Caz - not being funny, but given a free reign, many teenagers would spend the time lounging away. It's in their make-up.

You've said that he is at college and has a couple of jobs. Does he actually do these? Does he go to college when he's supposed to? And does he turn up for work? If so, then that's a really positive thing.

It does sound like he needs some advice on what to do next. Perhaps getting some advice from college about what his options are going forward would be a good thing. Has he got any qualifications?

Caz3121

thank you all for your comments

gonzo127 - he knows that going to college each day is not open to debate, he is awful getting up in the morning (even for an 11am start at college) probably due to sitting on xbox till the early hours...funny though when he had a driving lesson at 20 past 8 he was up showered and ready to go, any other morning it ends up his dad or I have to repeatedly tell him to get up. Re the cash for grades I really doubt it would make much different - the expectation is that someone is going to hand him £3k+ to get what he wants. (his grandfather bought his mum a brand new car a few years ago so it is seen that that is what parents do for their children) Unfortunately until his dad is back working 100% of my income goes on the 3 of us living so no spare cash.
re the internet, his mums last boyfriend used to turn it off at night and he was called a "control freak" and plenty other unwritable names

SkintBridetoBe - I will now have nightmares thinking he will still be like this in his mid twenties :-)

pupsicola - others have tried, grandparents, aunts, uncles - he has no idea where he wants to head only that it has to include lots of money and a car. I have also thought about depression, he has been invited out with friends but 'can't be bothered' talks about how great it would be to get paid to sleep all day


ticklepenny - he has actually started a lesson on games development as part of his course - came back and said it was all too hard and he can't do it. He does no college work at home, has missed or failed loads of assessments but is not in the slightest bothered, when we talk about a specialist course next year the view is either there is no point as he will be in exactly the same position when he finishes and his priority is getting a car. We have already discussed the rent part and he knows he will be paying a third of his income into the house pot...needed to get the expectations set before we get the excuses of not being able to afford it as needs to save for his car. He is terrible with money and spends it as soon as he has it. He pays his own mobile bill now (in dad's name and he used to pay before jobless) he knew bill was £50, had £70 in his account but immediately spent £60+ rebooking his driving test then said he won't be able to pay his phone bill till the week after it is due I have to juggle money around to sort it.

red devil - things have been bad with his mum for a couple of years. Her last boyfriend and him did not get on as he tried to inflict rules that they had never had before (not a bad thing to do but he got the 'you can't tell me what to do' attitude) Before he moved here both kids used to come for every school holiday. Mum was very vocal at making hubby feel bad that he did not have them every second weekend as she felt she didn't get enough breaks from them, and if it was her she could never go that long without seeing her children. He moved here in July and went back down for a visit in October when they had a number of arguments and she told him not to bother coming back. Christmas came and she didn't even call him (even though she called her daughter who was here) he got a card which came just before new year. He got so frustrated on Christmas day he called her and told her exactly what he thought of her. We have encouraged him to keep contact and it seems it is starting again slowly. He now has the idea that when he finishes college he will move back down south, get a flat with some mates and can then get on his mums insurance and drive her car or work for his uncle who does deliveries so he can drive the van.
Leccy has doubled since he moved in (I am sad enough to have a spreadsheet) he has xbox and pc on constantly, generates loads of washing (our machine use trippled when he moved in but he has now been told it is acceptable to wear jeans more than once!) Food bill....well we have stopped buying loads of stuff, we used to have a pack of biscuits that would sit for a month, he would take them and demplish in one sitting so if we ever fancied a biccie with a cuppa there would be none.
He did go to 5 aside football one Saturday morning which we thought was positive but by the next week 'couldn't be bothered' as would rather stay in bed

DVardysShadow - We have not asked him to contribute financially (apart from paying his own phone bill) - all we have asked is that he goes to college and helps with the housework (hoovering or clearing kitchen after dinner, make his bed and change it weekly...although he does very little outside his room) he gets his washing and ironing done for him and home cooked dinner every night (he had previously survived on micro meals) often expects taxied around the place. Of course the difference being we do not give him any money (don't have it to give) We have avoided going to the CSA to get maintenance from his mother as the way we see it is we have one child each so fair is fair (plus hubby would be assessed as zero and she would be assessed to pay which would impact his daughter) so we struggle on with no help from anyone

We just want to try and help him get him on the right path. As he is living under our roof he needs to accept we care what becomes of him. It hurts to think what his future holds (and for any young person in this economic climate) and want to help him have the best opportunities. It is not a case of live by the rules or we will throw you out but I dread thinking of him still being like this for years to come. (probably a bad analogy but it feels similar to watching someone you care for taking drugs, you know they are messing their life up but they don't care...doesn't mean we have to sit and watch it happen

wow...long response!

Caz3121

Caroline_a wrote: »

Does he have a girlfriend? I have worked with a lot of teenage boys, and find that a steady girlfriend seems to focus their mind wonderfully Particularly if she's hard working... although if he isn't it may not last long!

no girlfriend, has never had one, although he is nearly 18 his friends that he hung about with were all 15 and 16

chatnoir

Sounds very much like my older brother when he was young.

Had no interest in schooling, he used to call me a loser if I did my homework. He went to 6 form for a few weeks and then left....he enrolled in college, and my mum paid out for his course as he had passed 19, he never went! Got a job selling time shares in spain! Mum had to pay for him to come back! had many many different jobs that have never lasted as he was/is quite lazy.
His sleep pattern was to sleep all day and stay up all night! when he passed his driving test he was going to get a BMW.....with no money or savings!

He is still a bit of pain, he has 2 children under 3years old and he works occassionaly. And will ask to borrow money from my mum quite alot!

Now we have often thought he has ADHD or similar, he is now 30 so ADHD was not really that well known about when he was younger so would of gone undiagnosed.
He just cannot concentrate on one thing! and he could never be sat in an office all day he would go mad! He is better at doing more manual tasks which he can work through.

I think you DSS just needs to find his "thing" that stimulates him enough to stick at it! does he have a hobby?
Maybe getting him involved in some kind of charity/volunteer work will help to make him see the wider world and how he might fit into it.

x

Caz3121

mrcow wrote: »

Does he go to college when he's supposed to? And does he turn up for work? If so, then that's a really positive thing.

It does sound like he needs some advice on what to do next. Perhaps getting some advice from college about what his options are going forward would be a good thing. Has he got any qualifications?

He gets made to get up and leave the house in the morning although on more than one occasion he has not gone to college, he has wandered round town until 'home time' took exception to one teacher telling him what to do (instead of asking him nicely) so either gave mouth or didn't go to class.

Work he does 4 hours on a Saturday (and expects to be taken and picked up) and the other job is casual work which he says is boring and he can't be bothered with. He does the Saturday job to cover his fares for college and his tobacco, as, although he should be getting his college travel reimbursed through bursary, because of his attendance he never gets it.

He is looking for another part time job so he can pack the other ones in. We have agreed that if he dislikes college so much he can leave if he gets a decent full time job...problem is he can't get up in the mornings even 3 days a week so 5 would be a nightmare. He ended up applying for a job in a bank branch 10 hours a week and was going to pack college in for it (fortunately didn't get it and didn't realise it was a hours travel away)

He is full of...if I still lived down south I would..... have a car/be working full time for my uncle/living in a house with my mates. He undoubtedly is bitter about being away from all his friends but when his mum wanted him to leave we would not have seen him sleeping on friends floors nor could we move.

His sister leaves school this year and she has already been told to start thinking about going to move in with her dad....oh joy

Caz3121

chatnoir wrote: »

I think you DSS just needs to find his "thing" that stimulates him enough to stick at it! does he have a hobby?
Maybe getting him involved in some kind of charity/volunteer work will help to make him see the wider world and how he might fit into it.

agreed - the only "thing" that seems to excite him is driving cars. He only gets to do this on his lessons (we have my company car that he cannot drive even when he has passed)

we looked at http://www.princes-trust.org.uk/need_help/courses/team.aspx when we knew he was moving up and had been rejected from one college as there was no way he was moving up for an extended holiday

I don't want to feel we are running his life for him but he needs guided.

Gosh I wish I knew what I know now at 17....how different things might have been

Tropez

To be fair, I was much the same and I think a lot of teenagers go through it. I had some other things going on in my life that may have amplified the problems and in truth I didn't exactly deal with them then in a productive fashion. Really though, a lack of ambition in a teenager isn't something in itself that someone should be too alarmed by. It is a time of rapid transition and for many youngsters a time of fear - those childish fantasies that we did have about being a rock star, or playing for England, or whatever else, are long gone and we're being told by society that we have to grow up and mature, fast.

Looking at my own life, I didn't get any A-Levels. I eventually started studying again with the OU when I was in my early 20s because I wanted to "fix" that mistake. The mistakes that I have made have been largely undone and my life today isn't really that bad - but I'll be honest, if it wasn't necessary to work, I wouldn't do it - I'd sit around watching films or playing on an Xbox if I could but I've been taught that I have to work and as far as your son goes, perhaps if you give him examples of the real world he may choose to work that little bit harder. It is so hard to envisage what the reality of adulthood is at that age - I remember when I first discovered how much bloody tax I was paying out of my wages and when I first learned about the horror of council tax. Nothing gives you a swift kick in the crotch more than realising that you're completely unprepared for reality.

Rather than push him, try and simply guide him. He isn't so old yet that he cannot do what he wants - and maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do. Plenty of us don't at that age and yet we're forced into making decisions that theoretically impact us in the long-term. One of the reasons I didn't do so well at college is because I took subjects I was good at and expected to take, rather than subjects that I enjoyed and what I do for a living now, just ten years later, is vastly different from what I thought I would end up doing back then. But he is still at an age where he can take a year or two to find himself, find what he wants to be and look at how to pursue that - and perhaps just showing an interest may be enough. If he is interested in something but says it is too hard (like games development) take a look at home learning options instead - they're a lot more conducive to development in some circumstances as your progress is not being hampered by the faster or slower developments of the class around you.

Finally, keep an eye out for signs of depression. It isn't uncommon for teenage males to suffer with this at this point in their life, and loss of interest in things is one of the signs. I'm not saying he is depressed but it can't hurt to keep an eye out.

gonzo127

Caz3121 wrote: »

gonzo127 - he knows that going to college each day is not open to debate, he is awful getting up in the morning (even for an 11am start at college) probably due to sitting on xbox till the early hours...funny though when he had a driving lesson at 20 past 8 he was up showered and ready to go, any other morning it ends up his dad or I have to repeatedly tell him to get up. Re the cash for grades I really doubt it would make much different - the expectation is that someone is going to hand him £3k+ to get what he wants. (his grandfather bought his mum a brand new car a few years ago so it is seen that that is what parents do for their children) Unfortunately until his dad is back working 100% of my income goes on the 3 of us living so no spare cash.
re the internet, his mums last boyfriend used to turn it off at night and he was called a "control freak" and plenty other unwritable names

to be honest i think the internet time limit could help - you say he struggles getting up because he spends his nights awake (probably on xbox - which generally will be online) so cut the internet and stop xbox live at nights and he might start getting to sleep early

- as to name calling really why do they bother you 'oh no he has called me a control freak aaaaaahhhhhhh' - my reply would be something on the lines of 'if you are going the behave like a child and skip classes because they are hard then you will be treated like a child, which means me being more controling, and when you can start to show me that you can act like an adult i will give you the freedoms a adult deserves'

as to being give cash for a car, when the subject crops up next politly ask what he feels he has done to deserve being given that amount of money?
or go down the lines of if we had the money we would help you out, however since your dad is out of work we dont have that sort of money so you will have to show us that you are willing to make a effort with college/full time job and we will in turn see about make some sacrifices in other areas of our lives to help you fund a car (sacrifices maybe not the best word but you get the meaning)

POPPYOSCAR

I have heard all the 'so and so got a new car bought for them' 'had their insurance paid for them' gets an allowance etc etc etc. Does not wash with us, things like that have to be earned even if it is only helping out around the house.This has nothing to do with how much money we have or don't have, we feel it is the right way to be. We could be millionaires and we would not buy things for our children if they lazed about all day and did nothing constructive.

POPPYOSCAR

Caz3121 wrote: »

He gets made to get up and leave the house in the morning although on more than one occasion he has not gone to college, he has wandered round town until 'home time' took exception to one teacher telling him what to do (instead of asking him nicely) so either gave mouth or didn't go to class.

Work he does 4 hours on a Saturday (and expects to be taken and picked up) and the other job is casual work which he says is boring and he can't be bothered with. He does the Saturday job to cover his fares for college and his tobacco, as, although he should be getting his college travel reimbursed through bursary, because of his attendance he never gets it.

He is looking for another part time job so he can pack the other ones in. We have agreed that if he dislikes college so much he can leave if he gets a decent full time job...problem is he can't get up in the mornings even 3 days a week so 5 would be a nightmare. He ended up applying for a job in a bank branch 10 hours a week and was going to pack college in for it (fortunately didn't get it and didn't realise it was a hours travel away)

He is full of...if I still lived down south I would..... have a car/be working full time for my uncle/living in a house with my mates. He undoubtedly is bitter about being away from all his friends but when his mum wanted him to leave we would not have seen him sleeping on friends floors nor could we move.

His sister leaves school this year and she has already been told to start thinking about going to move in with her dad....oh joy

You sound like a really nice step-mum that cares about these children and I feel for you.

How does your step-daughter feel about coming to live with you and do you think you will get the same problems with her?