Women & Men's Roles, How you see them and where this view comes from...

milliebear00001

Both my OH and I earned about the same after Uni and before kids and we shared all decidions and housework equally. I would never have agreed to anything else. I then spent five years at home with my children and took on most of the domestic tasks during that time. My Oh worked long hours and so I preferred to 'take on' that role. Can't say I enjoyed it, but it just made practical sense. My OH certainly didn't 'expect' me to do anything other than take care of the kids.

Now, I work full-time and my OH is a stay at home dad. He does everything around the house, including the majority of cooking during the week, cleaning etc. Only think he doesn't do is the ironing (we pay somebody). I think we both (mostly!) see this as a fair split.

So, for us, rather than it being about gender (never!) or 'skills' - it's been about what suits your circumstances at that particular time in your life.

Chaos_Monkey

onlyroz wrote: »

Oh. My. God.

^ What onlyroz said!:eek:

penguin83

This is an area OH and I clashed in, in the early days. There is a big age gap between us (15 years) so when I was expecting our first baby OH pretty much expected me to give up work and stay at home. I think I must have looked at him like he had 2 heads at the time! It had honestly never crossed my mind that I would not work. OH was very caveman in his attitude and after a few 'debates' I am very happy as a full time working mum of 2 with both of us sharing housework and childcare. I do the morning school run and he does the afternoon (he works nights) and there are a fair few men at the school gates nowadays. Having said that I do like my men to be men. The lads I know who are my age are too into their looks for me. I like that OH uses deodorant and soap only and doesn't have tonnes of products in our bathroom but a lot of my friends prefer the more modern men who use moisturisers and highlight their hair etc.

After a lot of waffle I think I like the 'traditional' image of men and women apart from in a work/financial sense where I want to earn my own money and contribute fully to our household if that makes any sense at all! xx

balletshoes

My ideas of womens/mens roles definitely came from my family on my mum's side.
All the women in my family (mum, aunts, grandmother) worked full time, often alongside the men (mostly farm workers on both sides of my family). A couple of my aunts stopped work when their children came along, but then went back to work once the kids started school. If money was tight, the men and women equally would be looking for a 2nd job, while the other stayed home and looked after the kids (ie my mum worked a 2nd job in a pub for a while when we were little, and my dad looked after us. Similarly my dad was a part-time taxi driver while mum looked after us).

The women did most of the housework, but the men would muck in too (my dad always did the hoovering every Sunday morning while mum was at church, and he did it "properly" ie moved all the furniture etc). Financial decisions were made by either man or women, although there certainly was more of a tendancy for the man to bring home his wages and the woman to pay the bills, do the shopping etc. I've never seen men and women to be anything other than equal to each other, and this is definitely down to how I was brought up and the examples shown to me in my own family.

As far as jobs/aspirations/freedom to pursue your own life is concerned, I was always told that if I worked hard and did my best I could achieve whatever I wanted in life. I tell my daughter the same thing.

My husband is from a different culture, where traditionally men are brought up to believe they are head of the household etc etc - luckily he is open to thinking about these things rather than just blindly following what he has been told, otherwise we wouldn't be together.

I'm really enjoying My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, find it really insightful. My daughter was watching it with me this week, and when the bit about the "grabbing" was being televised, she told me she'd be slapping any guy's face if they tried that with her. I told her I'd expect nothing less.

balletshoes

PurpleJay wrote: »

So long as the tasks are divided in some way so that one of you doesn't feel put upon, it doesn't really matter how you do it.

couldn't agree more

cgk1

I couldn't respect any woman who wanted to sit at home all day and mooch off me.

Plans_all_plans

I am very much a traditionalist in terms of male/female roles and how I see them.

I feel that a woman is much better able to cope with the routine of children/housework etc, whereas I feel that heavy work (gardening, fixing things etc) is best left to my husband.

We both grew up similarly in that both our mums gave up work when they fell pregnant and have never worked since (27 odd years ago) and our dads have worked full time all their lives. In both of our families the 'gender' roles have been clearly defined as has the division of labour in the household into male and female jobs.

I LOVE the fact that my husband takes care of the paid work, leaving me free to raise our family in the way we see fit. I wouldn't be happy with it any other way.

I am mindful not to ask for too much help around the house, as I see it as my job. Saying that though, if there is something to be done and I do ask him to do it, he does it no problem, but I don't like asking him really.

I expect to be an equal partner in our marriage where decisions are concerned; I expect to respected and be able to vote, but other than that I am not a feminist!

red_devil

i remember someone once saying to me that a private school education was more important for a boy than a girl.

Silaqui

I definitely agree with everyone who has said that it seems to work best if people play to their strengths.

I had been living alone for 5 years before OH moved in straight from his mums house, and she had mollycoddled him! So he wasn't used to fending for himself or even paying for things, he had no idea about any kind of bills other than mobile phone bills.

Now that he's a bit more 'with it' (only took 5 more years lol ) he will do anything that needs doing gladly - but he has to be asked. He wouldn't mind living in a pigsty and so doesn't take it upon himself to tidy automatically, but when I start complaining about it he will tidy up.

I'm more proactive than him, so our division of labour is that I do the things I don't mind doing first before he gets a chance (cooking, washing up, washing, ironing) and he gets told to do everything else! :rotfl:

However, it does depend on the situation. A couple of year ago when he was unemployed, I expected most of the housework to be done whilst I was at work - the only thing I did myself was the cooking, as it's my relaxation after work, then we would share the washing up. It's about contribution I suppose. I would fully expect to be doing the same thing myself if I was in that position or on maternity leave or whatever.

The thing I dislike about the Gypsy Weddings thing is the fact that most of these girls don't have a choice - they are taken out of school, was it the last one where the young girl was really upset about having to leave school? And what do their own mothers do? How do you fill the days when you only a small house/caravan to clean, and an evening meal to cook, and are not allowed to learn anything?

Both my parents worked full time during our childhood (there's two of us) and my mum even studied for a degree when my sister was a baby, I was about 6 at the time.

I just don't see how that can be enough for people?

rozmister

Thanks everyone for your input it's been really interesting and insightful. It's been lovely that everyone's shared their experiences

Silaqui wrote: »

I just don't see how that can be enough for people?

The bit I didn't understand was why the Mum's didn't look after their own kids instead of pulling their eldest out of school to look after them. And also how they could afford the luxuries they had on one wage? It wouldn't be enough for me, not if I had somebody else to do my childcare and housework!