Women & Men's Roles, How you see them and where this view comes from...

rozmister

Hi guys,

I've been watching My Big Fat Gyspy Wedding, Who Does What and also following the football sexism scandal and thinking about sexism and how we view both sexe's roles and where we got these ideas from and how they impact on our behaviour and I'm really curious to see how other people are thinking. I know it doesn't seem MS but obv. more old fashioned views significantly affect a women's earning potential and also I'm just curious!

Personally I always thought of myself as a feminist and I do believe strongly every woman and man should have the right to choose without being impeded by stereotyping. If a man wants to be a nurse or a woman wants to be a CEO that's their right. However without really realising I did I have quite traditional views of a women's role in the home, not one I'd impress on other people, but for myself. I come from a traditional background where the women look after the men and I do this without really thinking with my boyfriend. My parents have also always told me I should be considering childcare (for the children I don't have because I'm only 21!!) when I pick a career because I'll need something flexible. I also assume when I live with my bf we'll share chores but he'll do manly ones and I'll do girlie ones as well as doing food shopping and most of the cooking. It's never really crossed my mind that it could be another way.

I am very stubborn about being financially independent, probably because my dad didn't support my mum financially when I was little and I would never want to rely on a man to feed and clothe me (and I don't think it's fair). If I had kids I think I'd feel better about it but while I'm capable of working I don't see why I wouldn't pay my own way. I'm much more a split the bill girl then a get paid for one!

How does everyone else see it? What kind of home set up do you have and where do you think you learnt these habits/routines? Do you believe in set roles for men and women?

I don't want to provoke a debate or tell anyone else that my opinion is right and theirs is wrong I'm just genuinely curious. It's obviously been one way for me and I'd love to know what way it is for others!

wherediditallgothen

You have internet in your kitchen?

Anyway, seriously, anyone's role (both women and men) is wherever they want to be. Provided obviously that you can make it work financially, and with those people who need/want you to be there.

Simple.

bexta

I guess I'm fairly similar in outlook to you. I live with my OH and baby, at the moment I'm on maternity leave, so OH is out working at the moment.

I do most of the 'housey' stuff, and always have - he's not too practical when it comes to food shopping, and it would cost us a fortune if he did it. However, he can cook/ clean/ use the washing machine, so it's not a case of him being helpless iyswim? He does do the practical stuff like lightbulbs and fixing stuff, mainly because I'm a liability to myself if I attempt anything like that However, I hope that he teaches our little girl to do things like that, as I'm aware it's not good to not be able to change a lightbulb!

Not sure where I got this view from, I guess my parents had a relatively 'traditional' marriage, in that my mum was a SAHM until I was 11. It was in part due to lack of childcare, as she's always been very independent, and my dad wasn't the patriarchal type. I think it's a case of making the most of our good points, rather than one job being particularly 'female' and another being 'male'. My stepson works as a carer - something I would personally not want to do, although it may be seen as being more of a 'female' role (if that makes sense).

I don't want my daughter to feel she can't do something because of her gender, but at the same time, learning about cooking/ cleaning etc is something I would want any child of mine to know about, as it's a life skill.

LJM

i think they are as you want them to be, i am a stay at home mum so i do all that entails cooking cleaning washing etc, but i am not there as i know some posters are to wait on my other half hand and foot this to me is a very old fashioned point of view he would never expect me too either. in some aspects i have roles in and outside the home as does he but at home we are a partnership and do things together.if he or i need help we will help each other out with anything really we only need to ask, but we are not doormats

soupdragon10

In our house it's the reverse, I do a lot of the 'manly' tasks such as DIY and my DH does some of the more householdy things such as ironing. I think it depends where your strengths are, and what you enjoy.

I like cooking so do a lot of this, and we share many other tasks. As long as it's an equal partnership then where the balance of tasks is really is a matter for each couple to decide.

Tish_P

I'm pretty staunchly feminist too. I think the old restrictive roles were bad for everyone and made men and women feel like they were aliens who could never really understand each other, and many people had to constantly repress parts of their identity. And that's in addition to the practical side. I'm very glad I can earn my own money and expect to be treated with as much respect as a man - not that sexism doesn't still exist, but at least it's now fully accepted that it ought not to. I don't remember the days when a woman couldn't get a mortgage without her husband or father as guarantor, but my mum does (that was until the early 80s!) and our grandmothers will remember being sacked as soon as they got married! We should be amazed at how far we've come in such a short time.

I think this is also tied in with increasing acceptance that it's OK to be gay, because we see now that a couple doesn't have to have one person playing "each" preordained role.

My beloved and I earn about the same and share housework with only occasional arguments about who NEVER EVER changes the cat litter(!). I'm sure it would be far harder to keep things egalitarian if we had kids but neither of us appears to have a working biological clock so that may not happen.

Thanks for starting the thread, it's lovely to read everyone's views!

jcr16

i'm very the girl and hubby the boy , and i love it that way. i've not worked since the birth of our first child in 2003. hubby works hard to provide for us, luckily he has a very good job. i do all the home jobs, inculding cut the lawn the painting and decorating. hubby doesn't ask em to, but when he comes home form work last think i want him to do is work. i want him to relax and enjoy time with the family. i will make him a cuppa second he walks though do see to his every need, but that is just me, i love to put others first and make sure they have all they need. Hubby will decorate and does enjoy cutting the lawn, but as i'm at home, then no reason why i can't.

i don't wanna be equal to a man, i love him being the stronger more able person. he is head of the house, what he says goes, not in a nasty way, but more sort of the bible way ( but were not religous), where it says about the head of the household is the man and the woman comes under his headship. bit old fashioned but i love that, but hubby still listens to my opinions and feelings and ideas and we work as a team, were a very dynamic team and what we set out to do, we do. were very traditional, even tho only in our 20's ( well hubby old now he 30,lol).

as a female i cook , i clean , i wash, i sew, i can knit( badly but i can,lol) . i can also do an oil change on car, change spark plugs, i know a distributor cab and where it is, i can change a tyre, i can plaster walls, do the plumbing for a sink, plumb in a washing machine, i can tile, i can use an axe and chop the wood, i can drive a tractor, i can lay a carpet, i can rewire a plug. but i never feel equal to a man and i really don't want to. i want a man to always be stronger than i. but it doesn't mean if my hubby or dad needed a hand, i know where to start and i know how to get a job done.and i will always willing to lend a hand.

Hermia

Although my parents had a fairly traditional marriage in some ways I have never felt the urge to do the same. I have always felt that a couple should just share the chores and if one person has a particular skill or liking for a particular chore they take primary responsibility for it. I have never fallen into the patterns that many women do & that has caused me problems in relationships because some blokes expect it. I have never just automatically started cleaning up after a bloke, sorting out his work clothes or dealing with his family for him. I can understand a woman (or man) who stays at home taking responsibility for looking after it, but I have never understood why having a womb and boobs means I should automatically do the cleaning! Plus I am better at a lot of the traditionally male jobs.

It is an interesting topic. I have a lot of friends who are stressed & exhausted because they are working full-time and doing all of the housework & cooking. In some cases it's because the bloke refuses to do it, but in some they have just automatically started doing everything. It's interesting how some of my friends just started mummying their blokes & treating them like they were incapable children even though some of those blokes had been living on their own before!

PurpleJay

The roles are what you want them to be. It will depend on your strengths and weaknesses, all couples are different.

We share a lot of our household and childcare tasks although for some reason I feel they are my responsibility.. Husband usually does the vacuuming and often will clean the kitchen floor and occasinally the bathrooms. He will load and unload the washer but I do more than him and am better at the drying folding and putting away part.

Some things he is not so good at, he cannot seem to wipe surfaces properly so mostly doesn't bother (grrr)! I do most of the cooking - he can do it but more often than not if falls to me, he prefers to be left alone to cook and I can multi task better He is better at ironing although neither of us do much nowadays tbh. We buy stuff that doesn'e need it!

I tend to do the main grocery shop and he does random top ups and cherry picks bargains (he is well trained there)! He does most electrical stuff and mows the lawn and general diy like fixing the guttering and changing light fittings. I can change bulbs.., we share gardening and I do most of the decorating. He puts together flat pack furniture - I can do it but he doesn't mind, is faster and I can be doing something else.

Generally, we tick along nicely

I think to aspire to be financially independant is a good thing. I am quite obsessive about being in control and knowing I can pay things after we had a period of separation and I had to manage on little money. Now we are okay again, I deal with all the household bills and hubby contributes to the pot.

My previous partner did more cooking but no cleaning. So long as the tasks are divided in some way so that one of you doesn't feel put upon, it doesn't really matter how you do it.

jcr16

PurpleJay wrote: »

The roles are what you want them to be. It will depend on your strengths and weaknesses, all couples are different.

that is so true.

it doesn't matter who does what, but as long as both are you ar happy in the partnership, thats all that count's.

Jue'sDD

Its funny you should say this because myself and DH were discussing gender roles etc after watching the gypsy wedding program last night. I was saying that its interesting that in different cultures the men typically seem to be the provider and the woman the one who stays at home to clean, cook and look after the children. For example isn't it interesting that in decades past the men and women took on the same roles in both the traveling and non traveling communities even though we had no contact with each other or any media to find out how the others did it. If that makes sense?

I like to think of myself as being pro-choice. I think it is so wrong that those girls were basically forced to stay at home and look after their families at the age of 13 and were denied an education, but I suppose that is a whole other thread...

I believe that all women and men should be able to make their own decsion as to whether they want to be feminist or not. Whether both parents work or just one. Whether the woman gets educated or not, that should be up to the individual. Of course though in some secluded societies some girls aren't given a choice and to me that is very sad.

In our relationship I suppose we have fairly traditional roles. I wouldn't really describe myself as a feminist (the 13 y/o inside me would be horrified :rotfl:) and prefer to take on the more 'womens' roles in the home. Not because DH prefers this, I just prefer it. I like to look after the home and actually really enjoy it. We both work full time at the minute. I work in a job that is primarily seen as a woman's job and that suits me just fine as I wouldn't want to do a 'man's' job. I do most of the washing and ironing, the cooking is split 50/50 (not through my choice as I enjoy cooking but DH likes it as well!), I usually do the vacuming and dusting, I do the washing up 60% of the time, DH will do it if I am at work or just too tired etc. I do most of the food shopping, DH will occasionally come with me to do it maybe 1 out of 4 times, he always helps me to put the shopping away if he is at home when I do the shopping. DH typically does all the 'man' jobs, maintains the car, DIY and any technical things. DH also nearly always makes the packed lunches. Decisions are always made together but DH usually has the final say and I like that as I trust his decisions. However if we disagree a lot then he will always try to find a middle ground.

We are both in our early 20's, no kids yet.