Nursery - advice please,,,,,

pupsicola

Forgot to say that at my sons nursery the mums/dads didn't go into the area where the kids were. So as not to upset the other kids seeing those just arriving with their mums. All goodbyes were said at the door. When my son got past the stage of being upset to go to nursery I hardly got a backward glance from him when he went in. Once he did a kind of backward wave (like speak to the hand mother) and just walked off. It was nearly me in tears that day, lol

RoxieW

I agree don't lie to him or make excuses. Just drop him at the door and go. You're only prolonging the agony if you don't.

moonbeam2007

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

My DD is a similar age to your son. She went to a pre-school 2 mornings a week in the term before she started nursery, as I wanted to prepare her for being left without me in the September.

She cried twice that term and really threw a blue fit about me leaving one time. I found that being very matter of fact with her helped and the 2nd time she did it for a shorter period of time and hasn't done it since.

I'd ignore him while you're waiting to go in if he's getting anxious. When it's time for you to go, I'd recommend saying something like "look, Mummy's going now. You know I'm coming back to pick you up later. I love you. Bye." Don't use a "pandering" voice (even though you'll want to!) but a strong firm one. Turn around and walk out, without looking back. If you do the same thing every day, I think he'll grow out of it fairly quickly.

Ok I'm going to try and do this and I know I need to be strong for him but I'm just terrible at it. I need to do it for the good of him so will start tomorrow. Thank you

xxvickixx

moonbeam2007 wrote: »

My gut feeling is I know deep down he has a good time by the way he is when I pick him up, but still can't help how sad it is leaving him.

I know I should tell him I'm going home but feel I'll make it worse? then how can it be worse. God I just don't know but going home crying feeling terrible is such a horrible feeling

The lady who runs DS preschool asked him to help her with the door to let me out which helped him with the goodbye - maybe he felt that he was in control that way - who knows but it did seem to help calm him down. She would also pop her head out the door and give me a thumbs up when he had settled so I could leave feeling happy.

Would something like that help you to relax at home instead of feeling sad?

balletshoes

moonbeam2007 wrote: »

I know many would have gone through this but I'm finding it so,,,, hard.

My son is 3 yrs 5 months old and has been going to Nursery since around Sept time. He started really well he loved it and was no problem going no tears, nothing.

A month or so later and he started getting upset, then it stopped.

After Christmas he went back ok then a week later was the worst I've ever seen him, he completely breaks down shaking crying begging me not to go. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

They tell me not to stay because I'll make things worse but I find it so hard to go so I stay for a little while and play with toys to try and take his mind off it. Then I use an excuse like 'Mama need's the toilet' 'just going to get something' anything and I leave.

He's now realised what I'm doing and won't let me leave his side.
As I get to the door I hear him screaming crying and I end up in tears outside his nursery and feel a complete useless fool

I've tried so many things, bringing in something he likes, giving him my spare set of keys [so he thinks I'm not going home as he thinks I wait outside] Making a book at home with fun things about going to Nursery,,, many things nothing works.

Last week he got so upset he wet himself, I asked his teacher has anything happened, she said no and that children just go through up and down stages???

When I pick him up he's fine??

Any ideas people please I'm not looking forward to tomorrow and doing it all again because I'm useless and think I must be getting on the staff's nerves because I hate seeing him upset.

I know it must seem like the most heartless thing in the world to do, but you really should listen to what the nursery staff say, and leave him, don't stay and then try to distract him. he knows the effect he's having on you when he cries and holds on to you. I went through exactly the same thing with my DD, the childminder was absolutely right, me staying was only prolonging the agony.

Take your son, get him inside and his coat off etc, then say "have fun, be good, see you in a little while" then leave. Don't hang around where he can see you - if you want to, go back to the reception area, or ask to sit in the managers office for a little while - somewhere he can't see you but you can hear him. You'll get the reassurance you need, and he'll get to understand that this is his routine.

moonbeam2007

pupsicola wrote: »

You are not useless at all. Just a very concerned mum who is wanting to do the best by her son. I would be more concerned if your little boy were upset when you were collecting him. If he is happy and seems to have had a nice time then I dont think you have alot to worry about.

Lots of kids get upset when they are dropped at nursery. Mine did it, my nieces and nephews did, kids of friends do it. In all these cases we went through what you are feeling now. I would phone the nursery each day about half hour later and be told he was fine. To eleviate my worries one day I snuck round to a window to the room where my son was taken to after being droppped offf. There he was laughing and singing and happy as larry literally 2 mins after screaming blue murder at me for going home.

I am surprised the nursery encouraged you to say that you were still at the nursery when you had actually left. Not criticising you but I dont think that is wise of them. He will go searching for you and panic when he cant find you, which makes things worse. Just be honest with him when you are leaving and keep reasssuring him about when you will be back to collect him.

Its very common for them to get upset like this about a month or so after joining nurseries. Also they need time to resettle after short breaks like over xmas and half term etc. Hope he settles soon, mainly for your sake.

They said to me one day 'just say your going to the toilet and pop out' but he wasn't silly and soon realised. I'm going to have to try and do it the tuff love way, which I'll hate, but I think I'm making matters worse by staying and playing with him, it calms him down but then he expects me to stay : {

Thank you for your advice

moonbeam2007

balletshoes wrote: »

I know it must seem like the most heartless thing in the world to do, but you really should listen to what the nursery staff say, and leave him, don't stay and then try to distract him. he knows the effect he's having on you when he cries and holds on to you. I went through exactly the same thing with my DD, the childminder was absolutely right, me staying was only prolonging the agony.

Take your son, get him inside and his coat off etc, then say "have fun, be good, see you in a little while" then leave. Don't hang around where he can see you - if you want to, go back to the reception area, or ask to sit in the managers office for a little while - somewhere he can't see you but you can hear him. You'll get the reassurance you need, and he'll get to understand that this is his routine.

His nursery is in a church so no where to go other than main hall or outside so can't even hide from him to hear. When them big doors are closed you can't hear a thing with the traffic. I will just have to be firm and say 'I love you and Mummy is coming back soon' and walk out. And cry all the way home lol

moonbeam2007

xxvickixx wrote: »

The lady who runs DS preschool asked him to help her with the door to let me out which helped him with the goodbye - maybe he felt that he was in control that way - who knows but it did seem to help calm him down. She would also pop her head out the door and give me a thumbs up when he had settled so I could leave feeling happy.

Would something like that help you to relax at home instead of feeling sad?

Yeah it would, I will mention that to them also see if we can arrange something. I feel a bit like I might be driving them mad and hope by asking they don't get peeved with me.

moonbeam2007

pinkshoes wrote: »

My mum will tell you exactly the same, as it was ME who used to scream, cling to her coat, and scream! To make it worse, my brother (20 months younger) was screaming and crying because he wanted to stay! Once, I even escaped the grasp of the nursery teacher and made a run for it!!

Could you not just tell him straight, that he's a big boy now, so gets to go and have fun at nursery whilst mummy does BORING things, and that if he's a good boy at nursery, then he can pick something yummy for dinner?

lol That was me as a child I used to push my face to the window of nursery and cry to my Dad 'don't leave me here' he'd then call my Mum and say your have to come and do this I can't leave her, I never did it for my Mum lol

I have told him were get a treat from the shop when he finishes nursery and we do this every time, but that doesn't work. God could do with super nanny beside me on this one pushing me down the road lol

pandora205

The good news is your son has formed a strong attachment to you - and that's the basis for him feeling secure and forming close relationships with others in the future. The bad news is he's going through some age appropriate separation anxiety that is causing you major stress problems. Assuming that this is a happy, stimulating nursery where the staff are caring and the children play freely in a healthy fun way, your son is fine. He stops crying and plays. He makes friends. He is gainfully busy (all assumptions - if not, it's the wrong setting - look for somewhere else). Unfortunately prolonged goodbyes can feed into separation anxiety and make it worse for all concerned.... As a mum you feel protective and guilty, as a child he feels that it's not safe for you to leave (otherwise you would have gone).

Young children have short memories. They don't know that adults come back after they disappear. As far as they are concerned, a parent leaving has gone forever. However, through experience they learn that it's okay... that mum comes back. That other adults are there to help and care.

In this situation probably the best approach is to start with short separations (say a couple of hours) and to build up gradually, but to keep the leaving brief. Being matter of fact when going, showing confidence in the staff, maybe saying 'bye X. I'm just going home/to work for a while. I'll be back soon' then leaving is the best way to go. The staff will have met this many times and will know how to comfort, distract and engage a distraught child. Maybe ask them to take a photo of him settled so you can be reassured?