Nursery - advice please,,,,,

moonbeam2007

I know many would have gone through this but I'm finding it so,,,, hard.

My son is 3 yrs 5 months old and has been going to Nursery since around Sept time. He started really well he loved it and was no problem going no tears, nothing.

A month or so later and he started getting upset, then it stopped.

After Christmas he went back ok then a week later was the worst I've ever seen him, he completely breaks down shaking crying begging me not to go. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

They tell me not to stay because I'll make things worse but I find it so hard to go so I stay for a little while and play with toys to try and take his mind off it. Then I use an excuse like 'Mama need's the toilet' 'just going to get something' anything and I leave.

He's now realised what I'm doing and won't let me leave his side.
As I get to the door I hear him screaming crying and I end up in tears outside his nursery and feel a complete useless fool

I've tried so many things, bringing in something he likes, giving him my spare set of keys [so he thinks I'm not going home as he thinks I wait outside] Making a book at home with fun things about going to Nursery,,, many things nothing works.

Last week he got so upset he wet himself, I asked his teacher has anything happened, she said no and that children just go through up and down stages???

When I pick him up he's fine??

Any ideas people please I'm not looking forward to tomorrow and doing it all again because I'm useless and think I must be getting on the staff's nerves because I hate seeing him upset.

xxvickixx

Oh I could have written this about my little boy who just started. It's really heartbreaking isn't it. Fingers crossed he seems to be OK now but he was the same, very upset and begging not to be left there. I think for him it was me asking some of the children to be his friend and helping him get into a conversation with them. Now he looks forward to seeing his friends.
I think that pretending that you are not going is probably not wise as if he finds out you haven't told the truth it could lead to trust issues, but so, so hard to tell them you are going home isn't it?
I tell DS that I need to go home and tidy up, or go food shopping so that preschool sounds like a more attractive proposition!
I hope it gets better - what is your gut feeling?

PinkLipgloss

Hi there,

In my experience children do go through these phases and sometimes you can't pin point the cause. It may be that the dynamic of the group has changed (children leaving/joining or change in friendships).

I've had some "gripping on to mum" screamers and they NEVER last after mum has left - 5 minutes tops before they calm down and settle into playing/activities. Take comfort in the fact that if your son was distressed throughout his nursery session then the staff WOULD MOST DEFINITELY contact you.

It may be that your son picks up on your anxiety and thus becomes anxious, or that he is simply attention seeking - or a combination of both! I would play it down - it will pass in time.

Good luck and best wishes!

Lipgloss

EDIT

Forgot to add - please please please establish a "saying goodbye in nursery" routine and follow it strictly. For example, hang up coat/jacket, say "good morning" to teacher and then a kiss and goodbye. DO NOT HANG ABOUT WORRYING. It frustrates the staff (as they know he will calm down as soon as you leave) and prolongs your sons anxiety.

Nicki

You are making things a lot worse by lying to him IMO. Imagine being little and scared and waiting and watching the toilet door for mummy to come back out again, and suddenly realizing that she has just disappeared. I'm not surprised he is hysterical.

I think you need to at least try taking the advice of the nursery staff who have dealt with this kind of issue time and time again. So you take him to nursery, you tell him you are going, you will be back after he has done x ( whatever the last activity of the session is, with ours it was story time), give him a kiss and leave without a backward glance. No drawing it out and definitely no hanging around outside peeping in the windows because he WILL see you. If after a week or so he still hasn't settled, then speak to the nursery staff again to see if they have ideas as to how to make him feel more settled. But the fact he is fine when you pick him up shows that it isn't that he hates nursery itself, just that he is finding the parting from you hard.

pinkshoes

My mum will tell you exactly the same, as it was ME who used to scream, cling to her coat, and scream! To make it worse, my brother (20 months younger) was screaming and crying because he wanted to stay! Once, I even escaped the grasp of the nursery teacher and made a run for it!!

Could you not just tell him straight, that he's a big boy now, so gets to go and have fun at nursery whilst mummy does BORING things, and that if he's a good boy at nursery, then he can pick something yummy for dinner?

Plans_all_plans

My DD is a similar age to your son. She went to a pre-school 2 mornings a week in the term before she started nursery, as I wanted to prepare her for being left without me in the September.

She cried twice that term and really threw a blue fit about me leaving one time. I found that being very matter of fact with her helped and the 2nd time she did it for a shorter period of time and hasn't done it since.

I'd ignore him while you're waiting to go in if he's getting anxious. When it's time for you to go, I'd recommend saying something like "look, Mummy's going now. You know I'm coming back to pick you up later. I love you. Bye." Don't use a "pandering" voice (even though you'll want to!) but a strong firm one. Turn around and walk out, without looking back. If you do the same thing every day, I think he'll grow out of it fairly quickly.

moonbeam2007

Nicki wrote: »

You are making things a lot worse by lying to him IMO. Imagine being little and scared and waiting and watching the toilet door for mummy to come back out again, and suddenly realizing that she has just disappeared. I'm not surprised he is hysterical.

A tad harsh I think, that was advised by the nursery to do that.

pupsicola

moonbeam2007 wrote: »

I know many would have gone through this but I'm finding it so,,,, hard.

My son is 3 yrs 5 months old and has been going to Nursery since around Sept time. He started really well he loved it and was no problem going no tears, nothing.

A month or so later and he started getting upset, then it stopped.

After Christmas he went back ok then a week later was the worst I've ever seen him, he completely breaks down shaking crying begging me not to go. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

They tell me not to stay because I'll make things worse but I find it so hard to go so I stay for a little while and play with toys to try and take his mind off it. Then I use an excuse like 'Mama need's the toilet' 'just going to get something' anything and I leave.

He's now realised what I'm doing and won't let me leave his side.
As I get to the door I hear him screaming crying and I end up in tears outside his nursery and feel a complete useless fool

I've tried so many things, bringing in something he likes, giving him my spare set of keys [so he thinks I'm not going home as he thinks I wait outside] Making a book at home with fun things about going to Nursery,,, many things nothing works.

Last week he got so upset he wet himself, I asked his teacher has anything happened, she said no and that children just go through up and down stages???

When I pick him up he's fine??

Any ideas people please I'm not looking forward to tomorrow and doing it all again because I'm useless and think I must be getting on the staff's nerves because I hate seeing him upset.

You are not useless at all. Just a very concerned mum who is wanting to do the best by her son. I would be more concerned if your little boy were upset when you were collecting him. If he is happy and seems to have had a nice time then I dont think you have alot to worry about.

Lots of kids get upset when they are dropped at nursery. Mine did it, my nieces and nephews did, kids of friends do it. In all these cases we went through what you are feeling now. I would phone the nursery each day about half hour later and be told he was fine. To eleviate my worries one day I snuck round to a window to the room where my son was taken to after being droppped offf. There he was laughing and singing and happy as larry literally 2 mins after screaming blue murder at me for going home.

I am surprised the nursery encouraged you to say that you were still at the nursery when you had actually left. Not criticising you but I dont think that is wise of them. He will go searching for you and panic when he cant find you, which makes things worse. Just be honest with him when you are leaving and keep reasssuring him about when you will be back to collect him.

Its very common for them to get upset like this about a month or so after joining nurseries. Also they need time to resettle after short breaks like over xmas and half term etc. Hope he settles soon, mainly for your sake.

minimoneysaver

Please don't lie to him about leaving as this will create trust issues. Google separation anxiety and have a little read to understand what your son is experiencing and how you can help him to deal with it and work through it.

moonbeam2007

xxvickixx wrote: »

Oh I could have written this about my little boy who just started. It's really heartbreaking isn't it. Fingers crossed he seems to be OK now but he was the same, very upset and begging not to be left there. I think for him it was me asking some of the children to be his friend and helping him get into a conversation with them. Now he looks forward to seeing his friends.
I think that pretending that you are not going is probably not wise as if he finds out you haven't told the truth it could lead to trust issues, but so, so hard to tell them you are going home isn't it?
I tell DS that I need to go home and tidy up, or go food shopping so that preschool sounds like a more attractive proposition!
I hope it gets better - what is your gut feeling?

My gut feeling is I know deep down he has a good time by the way he is when I pick him up, but still can't help how sad it is leaving him.

I know I should tell him I'm going home but feel I'll make it worse? then how can it be worse. God I just don't know but going home crying feeling terrible is such a horrible feeling

moonbeam2007

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Please don't lie to him about leaving as this will create trust issues. Google separation anxiety and have a little read to understand what your son is experiencing and how you can help him to deal with it and work through it.

That's a great idea thank you I will do that.