Real Life MMD: Should I continue buying my god-daughter presents?

bargainbin

A difficult one. Like others I was brought up to always write thank you letters for birthday gifts. It became acceptable to say thank you face to face if I saw the person just after receipt of the gift. I now email my thanks to those on email and use snail mail to others.
I give gifts because I want to and not to receive the thanks - however given the postal system I prefer to know when the recipient has received a parcel. One year all my son's birthday mail was stolen. Fortunately I was able to ask his aunts and Grandparents if there was the usual cheque in the envelope ( his birthday is right after Christmas). They reissued the cheques. It was slightly more awkward to ask his Godfather about a gift but it turned out there had been a Gift token enclosed but this was not covered by the Post Office as it is treated as cash. I was thankful I had asked my son's godfather because it would have been awful if the gift had not been acknowledged. The thieving posties were caught and eventually prosecuted I learnt a year or so later.
The other side of the coin is that my Godaughter, her brother or parents have never sent thank you notes for the birthday and Christmas gifts that I send. I know the gifts are received because my husband does a "Santa" run in the week or so pre Christmas and drops off the gifts. I will continue to send them gifts for the future but will think about stopping when the younger one is 21 in three years time.
Having said that I have sent my niece (my brother's daughter) her last gift. I have never had so much as a verbal thank you from her and my brother believes gifts are valued by the amount they cost. His family never send so much as a card. I didn't want this niece to lose out but she's 16 now and as I never had any feedback I'd be better buying a charity gift and then letting her know what I've done.
In fact that could be the answer to MSE LEE. Oxfam have unwrapped gifts that help those in poverty starting at less than £10.

MrsAGreen

I think you should spend less if you cannot afford it anyway.

If you don't want to confront your friend you could drop some subtle hints like say to her 'I received a lovely thank you card from xyz for their birthday present' or ask if the child liked the present you bought. If this doesn't work stop buying for them or confront them.

bargainbin

Home made gifts show time spent and thoughtfulness

Sarah_Urquhart

You sound like a very nice giving person and this post makes me feel terribly guilty because I often forget to write or phone thank yous for my children's presents from relatives. The reason in fact is that I am a busy working mother and it gets forgotten. But I realise that is no excuse as its a sad state of affairs is we are all so busy to forget basic manners. I suggest gently raise the subject with your friend - the previous suggestions about 'checking that it arrived' is a good one - say that as you hadn't heard anything you were worried she didn't like it/hadn't got it. If I was your friend, I would be mortified and falling over myself to apologise and ensure my child wrote thank yous in future. Another point is when I buy presents for friends/relatives children I often don't hear anything and it doesn't occur to me to be offended - I know they are just busy and have forgotten - so please don't take it personally. If money is tight, scale down the presents for your own sake, not as punishment, because we are all having to get used to luxuries being more thoughtful than extravagent - children included.

Philycheesesteak

It's fairly obvious to me. You don't give to receive. If you're doing so then there is no point in buying anymore, but don't be offended if your friends think you odd.

If you stop buying they'll think something is up. I don't think you really think that.

If you enjoy buying then you should continue but pay less. People realise that times are hard.

Unfortunately we don't live in the same society as we used to. People aren't as polite and courtious as before.

I didn't know my God parents as they stopped being in contact with me when my parents got divorced. I did feel short changed when my sister's God parents were such a major factor in her life.

How much influence you have on this person as their God parent is entirely up to you. Have you considered taking her out to the cinema instead of buying a present. She may not have been brought up to write thank you letters but at least you'll hopefully see her appreciation in person by this gesture.

Minkspilink

When this happened to me with my godson I called up to confirm that they had received the money and explained that I hadn't heard anything and just wanted to make sure my gift had been received.

redroselass

I agree with the saying that you do not give to receive. However, good manners should be encouraged and they are one of the few things in life that are actually free. The only thing 'spent' is the time it takes to learn them and use them.

Losinmoney

There's been a lot of focus on here on giving a gift, but what are you giving? We had a great aunt who bought an outfit 2 sizes too small for my daughter and then was most offended not to see her wearing it. It was very pretty, she couldn't squeeze into it and we couldn't return it as it wasn't bought from any shop known to me.

I was forever being given painting sets as a child when I would have loved a torch. I carry the disappointment still. I know children have to learn to pretend to like poorly chosen gifts, but it's a shame for them when they could have had something they would love for the same money spent.

I could go on and on about unsuitable gifts received in our household - I'm an expert!

Having learnt from bitter experience of useles "gifts", when I give now to rarely seen neices and nephews, I always include the receipt so they can return the item, or I give a high street token, or cash. And I always get thanked, even though I always say don't worry about thanking, I know you are all busy.

waddinac

To me, the role of a godparent goes much further than just buying gifts at birthdays and christmas. I am fortunate to have a brilliant godfather and whilst he did buy me gifts as a child (for which I always said thank you!), what I really valued was the time he spent with me and the advice he has given me over the years, particularly when I hit my teens. He was the adult I could trust when I felt I couldn't go to my parents and what price can you put on that?!

Perhaps instead of a gift (or as well as if you wish), you could take her out somewhere for her birthday. That way, you get to develop a relationship with her and perhaps impart some of those values you feel are important. Playing an active role in her development must surely be the most worthwhile gift you can give her.

Losinmoney

Am I the only one who, after Christmas, has had to send at least half the gifts to charity? Or stand in shop queues to return them? All so kindly meant, but useless. I can't bring myself to pass them on as gifts to others, who would be equally disappointed. If you add up together what all the givers must have spent, it would buy a goat at least for a charity.