Crush

Crushed

I don't think my partner likes that i'm becoming more confident because i've always been quite shy and this job is bringing me out a bit. I stayed at home after having the children so have only been back in work since September.

He's spoken to me much worse than that, this was quite tame for him and he doesn't see any wrong in it.

The other man is single with no children as far as i know, he may be lying but i don't think so.

Crushed

I do try and stand up for myself Pupsi but it just leads to one of his rants where he critisies every aspect of me so it's easier just to ignore him and let him get it all out. I just switch off now and let him get on with it. Then when he's calmed down i'll tell him how i feel and he'll usually backtrack and apologise and says he doesn't mean the things he's said.

Pee

Would Relate be an option for you and your partner? I think that saying he could replace you in three days is because he is feeling insecure and trying to make himself feel better/ trying to make you realise what a catch you would be throwing away.

You can't stay with someone just because you have children and you can't stay with someone who treats you badly but you do owe it to your children to try your very hardest to make a go of the relationship, to explain to him what needs to change and work things forward.

pupsicola

How does he talk to other people? Is he the life and soul of a party type, sociable, pleasant to be around in public. Would your friends and family be amazed by how you are spoken to and treated.

Does he only behave this way behind closed doors and gradually more and more often in front of and toward the children.

pupsicola

Pee wrote: »

I think that saying he could replace you in three days is because he is feeling insecure and trying to make himself feel better/ trying to make you realise what a catch you would be throwing away

By undermining you, making you feel bad about yourself and as if you cant do better than him. Not a nice thing to do no matter how insecure he is. There are far better ways of making someone feel like you are the best person for them.

Crushed

pupsicola wrote: »

How does he talk to other people? Is he the life and soul of a party type, sociable, pleasant to be around in public. Would your friends and family be amazed by how you are spoken to and treated.

Does he only behave this way behind closed doors and gradually more and more often in front of and toward the children.

This sums up completely how he is, i couldn't have put it better myself.

jonty1970

Crushed wrote: »

My Partner can be really horrible but he can also be sweet and supportive when he wants to be.

Hello If he is not violent and most of the time you get on, it is worth trying to save your marriage. As long as he is a good father and you still fancy him (and bedtime is still ok) I would suggest working on your marriage.

I have 2 failed marriages, and am now with my lovely OH. I started with him as I meant to go on and he knows I won't put up with any moaning (but he is a very gentle man and never raises his voice)

I felt the same way about a man, years ago. My first husband was violent and abusive to me. I wanted this man to rescue me. He was a really nice friend , and I invented this fantasy that he would come and save me. He never knew how I was treated at home and never tried anything on, because I was married, and I never took it further. I doubt he would have stood up to my husband anyway. Too much drama.

You need to sort out what you want and what will keep your children happy.

He sounds to me like he needs re training! When he starts moaning at you, react differently (no, don't hit him with a frying pan )

Find ways of dealing with him - imagine you are super nanny and he is a big kid (they all are really anyway)

See relate and ask him to go with you. Or tell your hubby he stops maoning or you are out, but at least him a chance to change.

The other man? I think you should forget about having a happy ending with him for now. If he keeps in touch by email after, or you make friends on Facebook, you can always try in the future, if your marriage doesn't work out. You need to keep the man out of your thoughts and deal with your home situation first.

If you do decide to split up, then think of seeing this man when things calm down.

You don't know, you might go off him anyway or he might be with someone.

Good luck X

jonty1970

He told me the other day that if i wanted to leave him he'd have me replaced within 3 days so not to worry

I've just read that :eek: I hope you laughed in his face :rotfl:

Is he such a catch they are queueing up?

pupsicola

Okay before I say what I am thinking I need to ask you this.

Does he criticise you constantly, undermine you, make you feel worthless. Can you do anything right in his eyes anymore.

Do you doubt your judgement and question whther you are overreacting when he says what he does and then backtracks and apologises later.

Does he try and control who you see, where you go, who you contact. Do you have your own financial independance or are you reliant on him.

Is the majority of the childcare down to you but he gets involved when he sees he can criticise.

Is the atmosphere in the house happy and relaxed or is there an underlying tension when he is aorund?

If you dont want to answer that is absolutely fine, just ignore me.

Crushed

pupsicola wrote: »

Okay before I say what I am thinking I need to ask you this.

Does he criticise you constantly, undermine you, make you feel worthless. Can you do anything right in his eyes anymore.
No it's not constantly only when we argue the rest of the time he'll tell me how well i'm doing. Mind you we hadn't been arguing last night when he didn't acknowledge my promotion and he didn't say well done until much later on when it suited him. It almost felt like he couldn't let me be too pleased with myself.
Do you doubt your judgement and question whther you are overreacting when he says what he does and then backtracks and apologises later.
Yes all the time

Does he try and control who you see, where you go, who you contact. Do you have your own financial independance or are you reliant on him.
No he doesn't do this and i do have my own financial independance

Is the majority of the childcare down to you but he gets involved when he sees he can criticise.
Yes but that's mainly due to him working longer hours than me and he doesn't tend to criticise my parenting skills. He does muck in with the kids but again moans about it and uses it as a tool to beat me with when he's having a rant about how much he does for me

Is the atmosphere in the house happy and relaxed or is there an underlying tension when he is aorund?
It is mainly happy and most of the time when he's around it's still happy but if he's got it on him and he walks in the door with a face on him it brings us all down.

If you dont want to answer that is absolutely fine, just ignore me.

I've answered in red.