18 mth old crying in night neighbours complaining??

mich13x

Mojisola wrote: »

This is obviously true in this case but will not always be the case. Not all parents are good people. Some babies cry for hours because they are being deliberately neglected. Some babies cry for hours because their parents are out of their heads on alcohol or drugs.

I would be wary of going round and talking to a family who may be neglecting their child in case they turned on me.

If one of the neighbours had posted on here explaining the situation, there would have been several replies to report the case to Social Services in case the child was being ill-treated.

The OP should really explain to the neighbours - and should have done the first time they got so frustrated that they banged on the wall.

I see what your saying but then again these days the shops are full of books and indeed 'experts' like supernanny on tv touting this controlled crying stuff so if i were to hear a baby crying all night my first thought would not be abuse or neglect. And either way if this is what the neighbours thought then surely they wouldnt risk putting the child in more danger by banging and aggravating the abusive parents( not aimed at op). I think were anyone suspects abuse you get the authorities involved straight away, the childs welfare is the most important thing. However back to the ops situation the fact her neighbours bang on walls rather than call social services suggests to me that they are simply annoyed with the crying not suspecting that the baby is neglected.

Also in my opinion the op owes these people nothing they choose to live in close proximity to other people therefore should expect noise and have a more neighbourly approach to problems that arise rather than yobbish wall banging.

Nicki

The counter argument though mich is that a parent should not be so selfish as to adopt the controlled crying approach unless they live in detached housing and know they won't disturb the neighbours. There are many different ways to approach a sleeping issue and controlled crying is only one of these, and is the most disruptive for neighbours and other family members

I am frankly bemused by all the posters who claim that the neighbours banging on the wall is keeping the other children awake. I should have thought it was the screaming 18 month old who was doing that and any additional noise made by the neighbours was negligible.

I've lived in a terraced house with two babies only 13 months apart, and when either cried in the night we have taken steps to ensure that this does not disturb the neighbours more than we could help. When they were very tiny and wouldn't settle quickly, one of us would take them out in the car and drive them around until they slept. When they were a bit older, we would go to them as soon as they woke and settle them back down. The neighbours could hear them when they woke, but understood we were doing our best to be considerate to them too.

I didn't do controlled crying with any of my 3 but my understanding of the technique is that it does not involve leaving a baby to cry for hours on end on and off throughout the night, but rather interventions to settle the baby at phased intervals. I do wonder whether OP is following the technique to the letter if her baby is as unsettled as she describes, and if she is doing it properly, the fact that the baby hasn't settled after months of trying it does suggest it isn't the right approach for that child, and she needs to try something else.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Nicki wrote: »

I am frankly bemused by all the posters who claim that the neighbours banging on the wall is keeping the other children awake. I should have thought it was the screaming 18 month old who was doing that and any additional noise made by the neighbours was negligible.

It might affect the deaf child. I would expect the deaf child would sleep through the crying but banging on a wall would cause vibrations etc which might affect him/her if his bed is against that wall.

My friend's deaf child has been woken by noisy neighbours doing DIY on the adjoining wall. She sleeps through the baby crying in the same room though!

asquiths_2

Just to clear this up. We don't leave her for hrs to cry!

When we started the controlled crying we put her down to sleep at 7.30 this gave plenty of time to settle her before neighbours would be going to bed. As i said it worked for a couple of weeks then was disrupted due to being in hospital with the baby.

We never let her cry for more than 10 minutes before getting up and laying her back down with her dummy. She then gets up and continues to cry. I can assure you I have read and read the technique over and over!

As a mum of 5 and never having to try any type of sleep routine i suppose i should have stuck with my original routine but hey you live and learn.

Mojisola

mich13x wrote: »

Also in my opinion the op owes these people nothing they choose to live in close proximity to other people therefore should expect noise and have a more neighbourly approach to problems that arise rather than yobbish wall banging.

Unless you're very wealthy, you live where you can afford to. Choice is a luxury.

Neighbours should respect each other. If the neighbours were playing loud music all evening, that would be wrong. Expecting them to put up with a baby crying, as described by Asquith, is wrong.

asquiths wrote: »

Sooo we decided to give it a go wow it took 2 nights of an 2 hrs crying but then she seemed to settle into the new routine. This lasted for a couple of weeks and then she just wouldn't settle!!

We have tried all sorts, persisting with the routine... when taking her to bed she cries/screams for a good 2 hrs but gets into such a state that keeps waking every couple of hrs crying/screaming again and that lasts for a 1-2hrs each time!

Taking her to bed at the later time... She seems to get past tired now and ends up crying/screaming, falls to sleep a little bit quicker but wakes up as above every 2-3hrs screaming!

This has now been going on for a couple of months!! We are both dead on our feet!

asquiths is shattered because of something she has chosen to do. The neighbours haven't had any choice but be disturbed.

I feel sorry for them all - baby, Mum and Dad, and the neighbours!

barbiedoll

Not all students are dossers, they may be studying for a medical degree!

I sympathise with you all, I'm sure the health visitor was well-meaning with her advice, although with 5 kids, it's probably not a good idea to let you two have too much time alone anyway!

Pop round to see the students or else send them a little apologetic note, letting them know that you are doing all that you can and your baby is just going through a phase which you are doing your best to sort out. I'm sure they'll be fine about it. But don't think that you and the kids shouldn't make any noise, I always tell my mums not to worry too much about the baby crying and annoying the neighbours. Babies cry, it's a fact of life, people need to put up with it sometimes.

The sleep thing does sound as though it is related to your time in hospital with the baby. Sleep problems are so common at this age and what works for one child, won't for another. Do you have a bedtime routine for her? Bath, nice warm nightclothes, bit of a cuddle then storytime? If you don't read her a story before bed then do start now. It will give her a bit of time to settle in bed and to get comfy before she goes down. I know it's hard with other children and a small baby but she may just want a bit more attention at the moment, the separation anxiety thing is a hard habit to break. Keep reassuring her and talking to her but during the night, keep as quiet as you can when you try to settle her back down. If taking her to bed with you means that you all get a bit of sleep then do so, don't worry about bad habits at the moment, with a small baby to deal with too, sleep is more important than "bad habits", they can be dealt with later on if necessary.

Speak to your H/V again, she may have other suggestions, possibly more helpful this time! Good luck, and don't worry too much, if the neighbours are that bothered, they can always move! :rotfl::rotfl:

mich13x

Mojisola wrote: »

Unless you're very wealthy, you live where you can afford to. Choice is a luxury.

Neighbours should respect each other. If the neighbours were playing loud music all evening, that would be wrong. Expecting them to put up with a baby crying, as described by Asquith, is wrong.

Neighbours should respect each other. Yes.
But i feel the neighbours lost the right to respect when they banged on the ops wall. Hardly respectful now is it? Its easy enough to just knock on a persons door and speak to them.

As for choice being a luxury fair enough. Its only in my opinion that if you cannot afford detached housing its reasonable to expect noise and periods of disturbance from ones neighbours and if you do not like it to raise the subject with them politely to resolve the matter if possible.

Mojisola

mich13x wrote: »

Neighbours should respect each other. Yes.
But i feel the neighbours lost the right to respect when they banged on the ops wall. Hardly respectful now is it? Its easy enough to just knock on a persons door and speak to them.

As for choice being a luxury fair enough. Its only in my opinion that if you cannot afford detached housing its reasonable to expect noise and periods of disturbance from ones neighbours and if you do not like it to raise the subject with them politely to resolve the matter if possible.

Mojisola wrote: »

They don't know your circumstances - they don't know that you're loving parents trying something that the HV suggested. They might be thinking what awful, uncaring people you must be to leave a baby crying for all that time! They might be worried about approaching you because they don't know how you will react.

This is getting circular - that point has already been addressed.

Nicki

mich13x wrote: »

Neighbours should respect each other. Yes.
But i feel the neighbours lost the right to respect when they banged on the ops wall. Hardly respectful now is it? Its easy enough to just knock on a persons door and speak to them.

As for choice being a luxury fair enough. Its only in my opinion that if you cannot afford detached housing its reasonable to expect noise and periods of disturbance from ones neighbours and if you do not like it to raise the subject with them politely to resolve the matter if possible.

Glad I don't live next to you or near you then! Surely if you know that you are going to be causing a noise nuisance for a period of time the onus is on you to approach the neighbours to smooth the way, not wait for them to complain after you have made a nuisance of yourself for a while! All the more so where the noise is at anti social times of day, whatever the reasons for it.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Nicki wrote: »

Glad I don't live next to you or near you then! Surely if you know that you are going to be causing a noise nuisance for a period of time the onus is on you to approach the neighbours to smooth the way, not wait for them to complain after you have made a nuisance of yourself for a while! All the more so where the noise is at anti social times of day, whatever the reasons for it.

Whilst I agree in principle, in practice you often don't know whether a noise will cause a nuisence until a complaint is received.

You don't know how the noise will travel, what time they go to bed or whether they sleep in the room which adjoins you.

A crying baby is not THAT loud in the scheme of things. If the OP was talking about major DIY involving heavy power tools commencing at 7am then fair enough that she should warn the neighbours but a baby crying wouldn't necessarily be loud enough to disturb your neighbours.