Am I mean

EssexHebridean

The_New_Caz wrote: »

Thanks I felt so let down when I found out i started to question my judgement - no one likes having the p*ss taken and I so feel like he has - but he thinks I'm being unfair

Can you get him to explain to you WHY he thinks you're being unfair? Might help to bring it home to him that he needs to start contributing.

The_New_Caz wrote: »

I did but he did the old I'm depressed routine. I have to pay my garage bill and I have water coming through my roof. I've asked him to ring the builder but he said he wouldn't know what to say - ahhh

If he says he's depressed then he needs to go to the Doctors, get it diagnosed, and treated. It may well be that he IS depressed, in which case treatment will help. but "depression" and "I'm hacked off 'cos I've got no money, can;t go out with my mates, and the horses keep losing" is something else. One of the two needs medical intervention, the other needs a swift kick up the backside.

The_New_Caz wrote: »

Ok its sunk in - no season ticket - but I'll have to keep paying all the bills otherwise we'll both end up in debt.
However he has still hung onto the basic sky package and this is something I'm not sure about - we only have an old box tele - can this be tuned in to a free box?

I wonder if you need to think a bit harder about that statement? He's not been working for a year, so presumably even on JSA has only had a limited amount of money going into the bank. He's been gambling to the tune of a LOT of money - are you sure he isn't already in debt? Unless he had a lot of savings (in which case the whole scenario is even more disgraceful) I think you are going to find that he has already been spending more than he's had coming in.

I feel for you - you presumably love this guy, so it must be hard to read the thread with everyone saying (or at least thinking if they've not said!) that he's having you over.

We had a drastic change of circumstances last year - pretty much overnight I went from earning reasonably good money to earning practically nothing. From having £40 a week personal spending money to none. To give you an idea, I am now earning a fraction over a quarter of what I was, and to be blunt I took the view from day one that as I am not contributing much to the household, it would be taking the mickey to take money for personal spends out of that. So, when I am paid for work done (I'm now self employed) I deduct the tax & NI amount (put off into a separate account) and then every last penny of the remainder goes into the joint account. I applied to be an Avon lady, and now my earnings from that account for ALL my personal spending money. Last campaign (covering a fortnight) I earnt £10 - so that was the personal spending money I had for that fortnight. This time around will be a little better - I should clear around £80 profit from this campaign (covering three weeks). Avon are always crying out for reps, otherwise what about Betterware, Kleeneze etc? Would get him out in the fresh air as well - if he went for Avon perhaps you could do the actual delivering of the orders for him as understandably people might find it a touch strange having Avon delivered by a chap, on the other hand, I bet it would be a brilliant draw for getting the guys out there to order stuff!

Good luck sorting this scenario out however you do so. PLEASE though don't get yourself into any more debt - you need to do a full SOA/budget sheet, and then sit down with him so that he can actually see in black & white that the figures are not adding up - then he needs to work out how he is going to start pulling his weight, otherwise it's not only your finances that will crumble and fall apart, your relationship will as well.

barbiedoll

Please, please make sure that all of your finances are separate. Keep your own bank account, do not let him have access to any of your cards, savings accounts or any credit facilities. If your bills are in joint names, take his name off of any of them that you personally don't want or need (Sky, for example) and keep the essential bills in your name only. You must financially disassociate yourself from him at the moment, this could lead to disaster for you if you don't. How is he paying for the gambling sites? If it is on a credit card, make sure that your name isn't on the account, if it is, remove it immediately. Otherwise, you will end up paying for his debts, which could be much bigger than you realise.

What are your debts at the moment? Don't even think about giving him any more money whilst you have debts to pay off. If he thinks that's not fair, then tough. Your priority is keeping your head above water and debt collectors off your back, buying him a season ticket is NOT a priority! (Nor is gambling, come to that)

It's time to get tough, he can play poker and "gamble" for free, my DH is on short hours and has been quite down because of his lost income. He spends quite a few hours on the Zynga (free) poker site, he knows that if I find out he has spent one penny gambling, he would never hear the end of it. Footie matches can wait too, if his mates are so desperate to see him they can chip in for a ticket and he can drive them all to and from the match. I don't see why you should have to pay for his leisure activites, helping in "his hour of need" is one thing, being taken for a ride, is quite another. :mad:

If you need advice and help with your debts, head over to "Debt free wanabee" where you can post up your income and outgoings and we will all have a look and see if there's any way that you can save or cut back a bit, or help with any debt issues.

Mowgli87

How long have you been with him?

Mate, your his GIRLFRIEND...not his MOTHER.

dont buy him anything.. what is he giving you apart from grief? Sorry, but he sounds like a loser.

Sambucus_Nigra

Dearie me.

You need to toughen up and work it out.

He's a bloodsucker.

You need to go to B&Q and spend £10 on a new lock, get it changed [takes about 30 mins] and get rid.

The_New_Caz

Well i do feel a bit of an idiot especially as i put the edited version on here as i already realise i've been an idiot elsewhere. Well the fireworks are about to start. I want to thank you all for your advice. It is always hard as I don't want to go running round shouting it off the rooftops to people I know - and therefore have felt quite isolated -while looking for ways to save money I suddenly remembered the forum! What a god send

hitchins

The_New_Caz wrote: »

Well i do feel a bit of an idiot especially as i put the edited version on here as i already realise i've been an idiot elsewhere. Well the fireworks are about to start. I want to thank you all for your advice. It is always hard as I don't want to go running round shouting it off the rooftops to people I know - and therefore have felt quite isolated -while looking for ways to save money I suddenly remembered the forum! What a god send

Good luck in whatever you do and don't let him brow beat you!

The_New_Caz

rozmister wrote: »

He sounds like his chancing getting more out of you. Maybe not in a mean way but he obviously doesn't mind letting you foot the bill. Is he not on JSA or any other kind of benefits?

No he doesn't get any benefits - he did for six months and then they stopped them. I am meeting a financial advisor type person next week in case there is something we can get

Sky can go to start with, get a freesat card.

It is going

Food has been a huge problem and has always caused the biggest argument - again felt i was being out of order! I was looking at amounts people spend on food last night and we were spending almost the amount of a family of four.

The_New_Caz

If he says he's depressed then he needs to go to the Doctors, get it diagnosed, and treated. It may well be that he IS depressed, in which case treatment will help. but "depression" and "I'm hacked off 'cos I've got no money, can;t go out with my mates, and the horses keep losing" is something else. One of the two needs medical intervention, the other needs a swift kick up the backside.

He has now been to the doctors but I can't help think its more that he's feeling down in the dumps.

He's been gambling to the tune of a LOT of money - are you sure he isn't already in debt?

I don't know - he says not. I was worried that putting pressure on him would make his depression worse and encourage him to gamble to get out of the uncomfortable position he was finding himself in.

SeriouslySeekingtoSave

Don't want to read and run so I want to say good luck with this. You must really love the guy or be the world's nicest woman!

Please, please, please have a care for your money and think of yourself first of all... Sounds a bit selfish but reading between some very wide lines, that is definately sound advice.

pennies_from_Heaven

mmm, this whole thing sounds very familiar to me - many years ago when I was young and naive I lived with someone much the same, and felt very sorry for him, I was very supportive because I loved this guy. (I paid for just about everything, whilst he went away for weekends with his mates, to gigs, matches, etc etc)
Well, it turns out that he had been laughing about what a mug I was with his mates in the pub (telling me he was going for a drink to lift his spirits) also bragging about another woman he had been seeing on the side too grrr :mad:
This whole sorry story came from a very trustworthy and worried colleague who had sat near them and knew him, but the oh didn't know her.

I'm telling you that I learnt an awful lot after that, and woke up pretty smartish - its funny how many other things came to light once the whole sorry thing began to unravel.

Please sort it out now and keep your dignity and self respect intact - I'd hate you to look back and have regrets

take care x