Stay at home mums

andrealm

I really wish women would stop judging other women's choices.:(
Do what you feel is right for you and your family, and what you can afford to do.

JodyBPM, you do realise that many families with one wage earner on an average income are getting exactly the same in tax credits as they would be if the other parents worked too? We get £10 a week tax credits for 2 children, which does not really "top us up generously to make up for my lost wage" we'd have got exactly the same amount in tax credits if I'd carried on working as we'd still have been under the threshold.

Just because a woman doesn't work while her children are young, doesn't mean I'm teaching my dd's that they should have no aspirations, or that they need to do the same thing, it's just one of many possible options in life. I would hope to raise them to have confidence to make their own decisions in life, whatever that might involve, rather than assume they will do the same as me. They might want to be sahms,they might be more focussed on a career, they might not even want to have children. Who knows?

If anything, rather than acquire a work ethic, I realised that my mum found combining work, childcare and housework stressful, so it didn't really encourage me to follow the same path. I have a friend whose mum stayed at home and she was always more ambitious and interested in a career than I ever was. Children find their own way in life.

onlyroz

JodyBPM wrote: »

To be honest, I have real reservations about the message that SAHMs can pass on to their children. To their girl children especially, that they should have no aspirations, that their careers will be cut short as soon as they have a family. Albeit that I only work part time, my children know that working is how we earn money to have a nice standard of life, you get out of life what you put in, and that relying on state handouts when you are capable of working is not acceptable.

I'm all for the secure family unit, but we also have to be very aware of the unconscious messages we send out to our children.

As a family with a f/t worker and a p/t time worker, I feel we are teaching a good balance of family values and work ethic, which is surely better than teaching family values alone.

Agreed.

TBH I'd be tremendously disappointed in my daughter if she chose to be a stay-at-home-mum. I'd like to think that she could be capable of so much more than that.

babyboysmommy

My nephew went to nursery age 6 months for 50 hours a week. My sister hardly saw him & it upset her terribly, the judgemental comments she got did not help. At age 3 he started going 2 days a week as she changed career so she could be home more but it took her that long to retrain. She is a very successful business woman & now in her words she has the best of both worlds, it just took her time to get there. She was told as a teenager she couldn't have children so they had not planned for this. It was very upsetting listening to her tell me about the horrid comments she got for putting her child in nursery for so many hours a week, especially as she was desperate to work part time but these things can take time. She was so very happy to have her own child. She planned her life & finances differently believing children were impossible but was delighted to have to change everything. Not everyone that puts their child in nursery for 50 hours a week wants to do so...

andrealm

onlyroz wrote: »

Agreed.

TBH I'd be tremendously disappointed in my daughter if she chose to be a stay-at-home-mum. I'd like to think that she could be capable of so much more than that.

I find it rather sad that you would be disappointed if your daughter made a personal choice in life that made her happy ( assuming that her being a sahm was a genuine choice and not a necessity because of childcare costs)

Would you be equally disappointed if she decided to work as a nanny? Or does a job only have worth because you are being paid for it?

ebayqueen_2

Hi there
Have been reading a few posts and find what is thought of SAHMs is not new to me. I have been one for 20 years now and at times I found it to be a difficult choice at times but overall I am glad that I did it. I found the prospect of combining a stressful job with a new baby overwhelming. I made the choice to stay at home and I am glad I did. I think I have one of the best jobs in the world. Just because I don't contribute vast amounts of money into the family purse, I am responsible for a home, family finances etc. What is demeaning about this job. Why look down on those who believe its the best thing to do.
I think SAHMs deserve respect for actually wanting to take total control over the early destiny of their children. I was able to raise my kids with my ideas not the ideas and dreams of a creche worker or babysitter who may not have the same beliefs etc of ourselves.
I have the best job and now my kids are older...believe it or not they are glad I have always been there for them. They are well rounded, well mannered, ambitious especially my only daughter!
There is no crime in instilling into ones children the value of taking care of ones family.
The family is the most important institution in the land and is to be treasured. My family is intact with both of us working to the same ends.
So I say ladies, stay at home you will be doing your family a favour. Of course if it is possible to do so financially and for those that cant but would love to, dont feel guilty you are doing your best.
What I cant understand is people who are thinking only of themselves have kids and leave them with childminders for 12 hours a day because of a career. Is this just not putting yourself first. Nowadays it all about ME and some people put their career before their familes.

money_saving_diva

JodyBPM wrote: »

To be honest, I have real reservations about the message that SAHMs can pass on to their children. To their girl children especially, that they should have no aspirations, that their careers will be cut short as soon as they have a family. Albeit that I only work part time, my children know that working is how we earn money to have a nice standard of life, you get out of life what you put in, and that relying on state handouts when you are capable of working is not acceptable.

I'm all for the secure family unit, but we also have to be very aware of the unconscious messages we send out to our children.

but like me most sahm's have posted on here that they aren't claiming/living off of state handouts!!? I agree that you shouldn't show your children that is acceptable but that is not what sahm's do. My children will grow up knowing I did a degree and I took my education seriously. I earned good money but when we had a family their dad could support us and we thought mummy looking after them would be best. I am showing my children they are more important than my career at the moment. I think that is a positive thing to show them. When they are older I will go back to work at some point, probably starting my own business. They will see how women can be dedicated to caring for their children but also using their education/career aspirations.

I hope my daughter takes her education seriously and hope she will follow a career path she finds interesting and exciting. I also hope that when she has children she will do what she feels best. I hope she will have liked having me at home for her & feel that would be important for her children. But she will have to do what she feels best at the time.

onlyroz wrote: »

Agreed.

TBH I'd be tremendously disappointed in my daughter if she chose to be a stay-at-home-mum. I'd like to think that she could be capable of so much more than that.

really???? Even if she got a degree, a well paid job and just took a few years out to look after your grand child?? You would prefer someone else to care for/teach/feed your grand child while she works? Don't you think your daughter would be the best for that job?

Your statement makes me feel really sad. My parents are very proud that we are doing the same as they did. They are proud of my husband working hard to provide for us all and they are proud of me giving up my job to care for the children. I would be really sad if my choice to be a sahm hadn't made my parents proud.

lostinrates

onlyroz wrote: »

Agreed.

TBH I'd be tremendously disappointed in my daughter if she chose to be a stay-at-home-mum. I'd like to think that she could be capable of so much more than that.

TBH, I get more time to ''expand and fulfil my capabilities'' now than I ever did working, the only difference is I don't get lauded for it.

e.g. I wanted to read Dante a few years ago. If I were working I would have read Dante in translation, because I could be flexible in time and take a few hours a week for such an enterprise, I read Dante i Italian. (my Italian is very basic, gleaned from dh and living in italy, not lessons.). My reading includes things recommended and lectured on by friends and family in academia that if I had a job I just wouldn't be able to cover half of, not just because of time, but also because of mental exhaustion. Incidentally my long term illhealth was meant to have made me ''a vegetable''. I have retaught myself how to write in the last seven years, and before that had to relearn ''language'' and motor skills! A lot of people might have been satisfied with being able to get about and communicate at all. As little as four years ago I would have been pretty hard to employ but the time I spend reading, writing and learning makes my brain work again- time well spent I think! Better for me than working a minimum wage job as soon as I was capable.

I have post graduate eduction, worked in very different fields from the entertainment industry to a science role, and before I became ill had a very successful business and I find my time as a SAHW fulfilling because I make it so. If we had children, we would consider the time I put into their development of HUGE value, so that as adults they have a choice too.

Careers can be fulfilling and important, and I don't knock anyone who wants or needs to work, but staying at home doesn't have to be daytime tv and mush for brains. Incidentally, I know more than one SAHM whose ''hobby'' has earned her ''so much more'' when their books are published. .

As a SAHW I don't take a penny of ''hand outs''. We, and anyone in the OP's article about ''high flyers'' shouldn't be entitled to anything. But I do no begrudge good, actively parenting SAHMs state support.

zcrat41

Really interesting discussion as its something that may (hopefully) come up for me soon. I'm a big believer in the statement "behind every sucessfull man is an even more sucessfull woman". Many people would consider my Mum a SAHM throughout my childhood and teens but in fact she is a joint partner in our family business, Mum and Dad just had different roles - Dad drove the tractors, Mum fed him when he was doing 18 hr days for 3 months. My Dad would not be the businessman he is today without my mother.

But she stayed at home officially!

I'd love to be in that situation!

DaisyFlower

onlyroz wrote: »

Oh my god, not in a million years. I'd hate to depend on a man and spend my life chained to the kitchen/hoover/ironing board. I've worked hard to develop my own career and I'm certainly not going to throw all that away to be a housewife.

Me too, I carried on working (albeit part time) in the knowledge that if anything happened I would still be able to support my child as would be in a better position to increase hours etc.

Taking years of the job market can mean you may never work again or are severly limited as to the jobs available. Working helps with many things as well as financial, adult conversation, self asteem, interests etc.

I also dont want to be dependant upon on another adult to provide for me, I cant imagine putting all the responsibility on one person to provide whilst the other benefits from that income whilst not contributing financially in any form. I also choose to have a child and part of being a parent is financially providing for that child.

Its also important that children see that they dont have to choose between working and children and that they can do both. Why go through all the years of education to stay home?

Benefit wise, I think that if one adult chooses not to work then there should be no top up benefits to support that choice.

**curlywurly**

JodyBPM wrote: »

To be honest, I have real reservations about the message that SAHMs can pass on to their children. To their girl children especially, that they should have no aspirations, that their careers will be cut short as soon as they have a family. Albeit that I only work part time, my children know that working is how we earn money to have a nice standard of life, you get out of life what you put in, and that relying on state handouts when you are capable of working is not acceptable.

Couldn't agree more. If my daughter saw me sitting at home all day while she was at school, what message is that sending? Living off off benefits, or off of a partner (doesn't matter which really to the point I am making), what message is that sending? And, thinking about it, I am not sure that the message is any better for a son ... that women's work is in the home and not in the workplace? That women should have no aspirations beyond the home?